exploration

argh, i don't feel like writing my paper. i mean i have enough to show my professor for now so it should be okay.

haha these past few days have been such days of rambling.

actually come to think of it, i was supposed to be blogging/thinking about something two weeks ago. trouble is, i'm not sure exactly what the topic was.

hmm, the idea of a sabbath? oh i remember. it was about how i simply do not have a restful personality. so i've blogged about this topic before.

k, then this will be to dig deeper.
well not being able to rest fully when i'm relaxing means that i am not trusting in God fully to do all things.

i've said this before, that the pleasant good naturedness of a conversation simple and fun seems to be lost on me. i don't know when this happened, but now everything has to have a meaning. can't just be for fun. i mean i've always had this type of personality but it was not until i came into college that it developed this extremely. sometimes i wonder if that is because i get tired easily and it's after lots of stress from many years. maybe it's because previously, idleness is my idol and i can waste time easily. i really want to do meaningful things therefore. but now it's become extreme in terms of meeting up with people and making it the most. i don't ever want to miss out.

i think what i need to understand and truly believe is that God is there. no matter how i mess up, He can make use of the situation and turn it around. so I need to put him first and all things should fall in place. i haven't thought about this concept in a while. i do know that He need to come first though. I need to have my daily devotions with Him where He speaks to me and I need to pray. when I have time, I should seek Him through reading books maybe. but in the end, it's God who reveals Himself to me. hm, just thought of romans 3--no one righteous, who understands, who seeks God, who does good.
if that's so, why do I place this stress upon myself in everything I do? I need to learn that even in my devotions and relationship with God, it is only HE who can make Himself known to me. without HIs guidance and prodding, I would not want to know who He is. furthermore, He knows all things. He created this world so He knows how we function and He knows the future and what is best. Therefore, if I keep seeking Him, He will make it known to me. then, why do I worry about what I do and evaluate every single action of mine. I need to learn how to relax and live life in a way that pleases God.