girls have this tendency to overthink a situation before it even happens.
but sometimes what God has in mind is different from what you dream? expect? dread?
so don't let your thoughts run away from you...and don't brood in what you think is going to happen. let it happen and then figure it out from there. it's not healthy to you or those you share with to daydream to the point that your own emotions may be affected. haha this is the rational T coming out in me. but also a reminder for myself.

more of you and less of me.

"In the Christian life you need more tension, not less, if you are to do the will of God." [difference between God's promises and the reality of the world]
"Pray alongside those for whom you intercede."
"At earlier stages the Christian is more concerned about himself, his experiences, what other people think about him and what God's Word does for him. With spiritual maturing comes an increasing concern for others, and for the honor and glory of God."
"What I have gained through them in sheer treasure makes the suffering a trivial price to pay. I hate pain, but I would gladly undergo the same pain again to find more of the same treasure."
"The silent cries of her desperation were the response to pressures he was placing on her."
"What you can always experience is a deepening relationship with Him. For you may be sure that the pain has a purpose in your own life. It is divine surgery that, if you respond to it appropriately, will heal and correct defects in your Christian growth. But it is essential that you respond with trust in the mercy and goodness of God."
-Daring to Draw Near

community

in spite of inner turmoil and confusion
nights of tossing and turning
anger, frustration, anticipation
unable to sit down and focus

i have some very loving and caring roommates.
and their thoughtful actions touch me.


God, grant me wisdom to make the right decisions and speak wisely to protect Your loved ones.

sabbath

the concept is a place for my mind to rest. the idea that i don't HAVE to do anything today for others, even though this may be a bad mentality, it's really freeing me up.

read 1 John 4. God's love keeps reappearing over and over again. How can we call ourselves children of God if we do not love in the same way that Christ did? for some reason, 1 John 4 is particularly befitting for Good Friday and Easter because it talks about a particular reaction we Christians should have in response to Christ's death.
v 9 "This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him"
this verse has never been really a surprise or anything to me because this idea is what the whole gospel is based upon. and sometimes, because I grew up in a Christian household, I feel like I take Christ for granted. I understand the concept of the gospel and am grateful, and though from the past three years of college, it has slowly began to change me drastically, it was not always this way. I don't know when the Spirit started convicting me so strongly, but I really should praise God for it. because without Him, I would not even have the motivation to seek Him. Without Him, I would not be able to understand who He is. It is really through Him that I am even a Christian, from beginning to end. He placed wonderful people in my life but even in the ways that He has brought me to Michigan has been a blessing. I don't remember entirely how I was like in high school, because in terms of personality I have not really changed. But in terms of my inner thoughts, I think I have. I should have journaled back in high school to get a better idea. haha. anyways, these verses were particularly apt and it was cool that so happens, the place I was doing devotions in talks specifically about Christ's death and how his atoning sacrifice was the example of the greatest and in response, we need to iMITATE it. i've been wondering lately, how I as a Christian can set myself apart from the world. I have the words of truth and I do need to be sharing them. But at the same time, in the midst of the busy hubbab, sometimes I just don't do it.

lent and dramas-next topic.

generosity.

meant to write a post on this a few days ago. anyways, something I really wanted to record down. i thought i had lost my brother's spiritual warfare book that he had lent me earlier this week, but praise God I found it today. however, the point was i felt so disheveled and told my brother the following day. but he really freed and released me when he told me not to worry about it. i told him i would buy him a new book and all--yes he was grateful for that, but all in all, it was not a big deal that i had lost it. he was very gracious about it, more so than i expected, and i have been realizing lately how materialistic i have become.

it's weird objects have never been a big deal in my life. like i grew up a Christian right? so i've always known what the Bible says about treasures in Heaven. i know i'm not supposed to store up on this earth, but unknowingly i have been influenced by society's thoughts. though it's not to the same extreme of wanting to do a profession to earn money, i am very stingy with my belongings. this includes many things, but i have trouble sharing. some of this selfish nature comes from the fact that i am a youngest child and never had to share much. this is a sad realization for me, about my sinful nature. hard for me to accept, because it's SO stereotypical and materialistic, it's shameful. sometimes, i wonder and think in my mind [this is my pride speaking] it can't just be me! why do i feel like i'm the only one who realizes and is super acute to what i'm like and my problems?

i do realize it's the spirit convicting me and i should be thankful for this aware spirit, but sometimes it's difficult for me because then i question why other people are not aware in the same way-->causing me to be judgmental of others sometimes because it seems unfair for me. why this is a very angsty post. sorry, readers, but you'll have to bear a little longer.

yeah i definitely do struggle with pride and i think satan definitely even uses my possible strengths against me by making me perceive it as a weakness or think of it to its most extreme form. i mean it's good to be aware, but causing me to judge others makes this good quality manifest itself negatively. it's interesting how blogging makes me think about these things and have a greater self awareness than normal. i guess that's something positive that comes out of blogging.

anyways, i have heard a lot more about tithing than usual this year. i mean i never earned much money in high school, so this was never a problem, but i think along with the fact that it is hard for me to completely put my faith into God's providence, i sometimes don't fully tithe and it's partially because i don't earn a lot of money already so i feel like it's not necessary and my checks are inconsistent, but it's just me being lazy and that is manifesting negatively because i'm not giving to God's kingdom. though, i have a chance now with AIV funding for next year so i should give back to my fellowship to help others grow.

several things.

the other day, i was being a stalker, and reading the blog of some online personnel, only to realize that this person is a Christian. what-what? i mean it was really cool knowing that, because it's always a sense of intimacy that runs through me when that happens. this also triggered a thought in my mind about Christians and them living out their lives. i've just been thinking about this because i'm leaving the campus and sso is coming up and seniors are supposed to make a speech. also, lately in worshipping, i've been thinking a lot--especially the concept that Jesus is my everything. However, i look all around me, just to see people who claim their Christianity but are not living out that God is everything. for some reason, not just now, but for a long time, this has always bothered me. and i guess this makes me judgmental in a sense, which i kind of hate, but i guess that is also linked to my other sin of pride. i mean i do not by any means live out the Christian life perfectly day in and day out. however, sometimes i wonder what others are thinking, what's in their mind. how is it that some people who are Christians look just like everyone else? the things they focus on and what they talk about with others. the nonChristians can't even tell us apart. this thought has been on my mind in and out for a very long time. it keeps coming up. to be Christian means to sacrifice everything. however, i dont' see that. i'm not right to judge because only God knows what's going on in their hearts, but sometimes thinking about this can be disheartening. flip side, back to myself. as i was reading this blog of this person, all the things that were said were all what you would expect other "normal moral" people to say. if Jesus is everything, then should not our thoughts also conform to His kingdom's work? why are we so concerned [myself included] with romantic relationships? for some reason, that seems to be the talk that resides in many singles, at least back at home. i think i really need to reorient my thinking. all thing are not important when the gospel is put forth at the center.

second thing: i'm growing to really love my disciplees more and more. this might be kind of awkward to say since this is a public blog, but in all honesty, nobody [except maybe my parents] read this consistently. i mean with my first disciplee, i developed a relationship with her before discipling her and it was after long deliberation that i decided to take her under my wings. we were in a sort of informal relationship in that sense. so i've always cared about her. in fact, i feel guilty for not hanging out with her enough this semester especially since i no longer go out to study or anything like that. with my second disciplee though, at first i was not sure how it would work out, since it was kind of mentioned by an outside source, but it was more like i didn't know her well enough. but i decided to answer God's call and put my faith in Him and it's been good. sometimes it's funny because she reminds me so much of myself in the way she approaches problems and the way dships are run. but that also makes it easy to understand her. it's funny because i've only known her for a semester, but i feel like i have really gotten to know her well. about the important things of her life, but i'm also learning about what it means to disciple and guide people in general. to give homework/concreteness, which is something i learned from the disciplers meeting. we need to carry out God into the other places of life and the discipler is supposed to ask the difficult questions and really dig deep--i'm still working on that. but i'm really going to miss both of them, getting to know them and hanging out, although i have made plans to keep in touch =)

thirdly, besides my family, i don't have disagreements often. because i'm not usually a very heated person...HAH that's a lie. i am pretty opinionated but just like anyone else, i don't really enjoy having tension and i think i'm not used to it because for the most part, i forget easily and i forgive easily, though i have realized that others are different, if it's not your family. hmm, i wonder if this means i need to learn to deal with conflict better. i mean i do try to communicate myself clearly but i think similar to my brother, i can get quite defensive. i guess that's also where pride comes in. as the Bible says, i need to learn to have a gentle and quiet spirit as a woman following after God's heart. i think i'm starting to understand this concept on another level. hmm, especially when i'm tired, ah! as my spiritual warfare book says, those are the times that satan comes in and works among the people, in the tensions and conflicts. okay, this is filed away for use and next time i will cool down and think WWJD.

only God saves lives.

experiencing a strange sudden loss in appetite. like i am hungry and still want to eat, but am being very picky about it.

good reminders.

"Fulfillment in itself is a 'me-oriented' objective. We are never told in Scripture to make happiness the object of our pursuit; that's idolatry. We can seek joy and fulfillment and all the things god has planned for us, but we are to seek them by seeking God himself.

it's not conscious. it's our innate expectations.

submit to God and the devil will flee from you. it's in our disobedience that the devil has room to work

sometimes it's so easy to lose one's resolve.

nostalgia

when facebook surfing, you'll run into a lot of people from the past.
random: i know there are a lot of people who delete their friends just to narrow down the people, but what makes me laugh about this action is that by deleting those previous friends, that must mean you took a LOT of time out of your life to go through the list of people you friended or who friended you at one point. and for some reason, that makes me laugh. because it's like you're trying to constrict your network and have less people access to your stuff, but somehow it makes me laugh because it just seems ironic to me that you would take out time to do that in the first place. i guess writing that out, was pretty confusing so nvm.

i also realized that i really write for the sake of writing sometimes. but i guess i named this blog correctly for that matter. some of my posts are so long, i'm pretty sure people wont read them. but then again, i think i really write this way for myself. i never go back and edit, like most of the public blogs people read. i don't make it easy formatting. i just ramble. haha.

back to my post title. i was just thinking of my freshman year of college. it's kind of crazy how time passes, but then again when you really think about it, college is only four years. so that time is pretty short span. but i guess what's craziest is the changes that can occur in these four years. i think what made me laugh in my mind is how different people turned out from what they thought they would be like. for instance, i had friend who joined a student org and was like, i'm never going to do the eboard for this org. i really love being a part of it, but the eboard members are crazy involved. how do they have the time. and then she just got more and more involved throughout the years. and now? she's going to be on eboard next year. just stuff like that. the inconsistencies of what people say are fascinating and really amusing. i mean i'm not offended or anything, but i think this is something i've always been acutely aware of. i mean it bothered me a bit when i was younger how people would change their thinking/plans year after year, so i told myself i would never do that. and now that i've grown older, i mean it doesn't really bother me immensely what other people do, unless it's a big value thing and i need to be concerned about it. however, i don't judge them based on it because i know they're just people. but as for myself, for some reason, i've been born with a personality that has this HUGE sense of responsibility and that includes for the things that i say about the future as well. like when i was younger, i said i didn't want to get married. at first that was to follow all my friends. but i realized that within a year they changed fast. i mean now i want to get married because i know myself better. but prom was another thing. how all my friends said that they wouldn't go to prom [this was in elem school] it really bothered me when people changed their minds. i ended up not going to prom. haha. it was partially because of my early conviction.

so these stubbornness and conviction can be good or bad. it's good because for moral issues, i'm grounded and don't budge. but i need to learn to see from other's point of view. though i think this is something that i have majorly learned how to do throughout college years. i still have tendency to think one way for sure, but i'm training myself to hear other opinions, because it bothers me when other people are so one sided. i need to learn to listen and understand where people are coming from, like Jesus. in order to love them.

but yeah, it's just funny all the experiences i've gained, while still looking like i'm twelve. haha sometimes i wonder what a complete stranger sees when he just looks at my face. they probably think i'm a high schooler. and that doesn't really bother me because i like looking young. though i have more experiences about life than a high schooler does, so i just hope they would understand that if i told them.

i think i'm a nostaglic person in general. which should make for some interesting entries near the beginning middle of next year. i'm definitely excited for the future and what is in store. i just want to find a Christian community to connect with.

you know it's one of THOSE posts. no motivation and I have paper due on thursday. thank God that I already wrote a rough draft and revised the first half, just have the second half to do. but i'm not looking forward to doing it because i JUST CAN'T GET OFF MY BUTT and do it. my body has been strangely sluggish today also. like it's sort of tired. maybe it's from running a lot all of a sudden these few days. also the thought of a 3 hour interview session tonight is not appealing either.

so this is basically just gnna be a rant. for five to tenish minutes and then hopefully i'll get my butt off the ground and start writing the paper. it's sad how i need a library to motivate me sometimes, but praise God that this is my last paper so I don't have to seek out this motivation anymore.

i think i'm gnna shower too sometime. before my dinner plans. that might wake me up and make me feel better. and i'm gnna start writing my paper at 4, for like an hour. so hopefully i will be more motivated. i literally wasted time by the hours today. sighh. well i guess that's what a break day is for. i shouldn't judge so harshly. thankfully i didn't watch dramas, since i need to get rid of these from my life. i really need to persevere through the trials that i'm facing. sometimes trying to do stuff is so difficult. ugh.

i guess i shouldn't complain because i'm even graduating a year early and i'm pretty lazy. random thing of the day: today i was reminded, of the importance of keeping God in the center of my relationships, but specifically a dating relationship. it's been interesting with lots of friends getting into relationships this year, because it's like i live vicariously through their experiences. i don't know why God is exposing me to all these relationships. in a sense, i thought that maybe He is using these things to prepare me for future relationships. which i think is true still, but i've always wondered if God gave me the gift of singleness. although to be honest, i have been resisting this idea for a long time and even prayed against it, and in all honesty, i don't think i'll remain single for the rest of my life, though i know that if i did somehow, God would take care of me and I would realize that what i thought a relationship would fulfill in my life doesn't actually do that. I have God, who is my everything, and a great family to support me. yeah, they won't always be there, but if God really wanted me to remain single, i know He will provide me with good community, like He already has for those who are still single today. I am really so lucky to be a Christian and have God pursuing me. I know He pursues everyone, but having this realization of how much He loves me and how much He means to me, shows me that many other things SHOULDN'T matter as much. not that i always live like that, but God has been revealing this truth over and over to me in the past few years. nyways, i'm so glad for the church community, though i know the church itself has many problems, but it's really the individual Christian relationships that make it all the worthwhile. the challenges people face and share with each other, the prayer that's prayed. it's really a beautiful thing. how easy it can be though to be sidetracked and lose focus of the One who gave us all when we have conversations. i need to hand over romances and fantasies to the Lord and i believe that this complete riddance of dramas, as summer is approaching which will be the toughest time, will make it possible. haha that means i'll be blogging a lot. i do need to find a hobby. i mean besides exercising and cooking. but i guess that takes a lot of time also. haha i'm really such a housewife.

needing to stay grounded.

to daydream and let your mind run away
only to realize that who I am, who I am made to be
is so different from society and its idols

trials & temptations

really good message at church today that made me think.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

trials and temptations are two sides of the coin. God has allowed for these in our lives, not to make us sin, but for our own good, for our spiritual growth that happens when we overcome the temptation. however, Satan sees an opportunity in our weakness to attack us and try to make us fail/sin. therefore in every trial and temptation we need to ask ourselves, how can I become more Christlike through getting through this difficulty?

spiritual maturity is to say "no" to these temptations and yielding is not excusable-despite our rationalization.

this really spoke to my heart today and God knows. so i lied. and i'm kind of ashamed of it, to admit in front of others but even to myself. though i know God saw all.

i said i would lent from dramas, after a week or two of lent because God made it clear. but for some reason, it's only gotten harder and i've only wasted more time watching it. ironically. and i haven't stopped myself and after making it a regularish practice i have not even had to think about doing it. it's just so relaxing and enjoyable for me so it's really hard to give up.

however, at the conclusion of the pastor's message today, i was really struck when he said that we have no excuse when we are faced with trials. God has given us a way out of it, this I always knew, but I felt so guilty. i kept rationalizing for the past two years now and even this year, when I had succeeded in fasting from it and no longer being tied down by it, i only exposed myself to it once again and got drawn deeper and deeper. not as bad as the first time, it will be a little difficult though. sigh. i only did this to myself this time around and Satan has taken hold of it. i know that if I get through this trial, it really will be for my good.

for one thing, when I watch dramas, i enter into another dimension where I hate being disturbed and I can no longer love the way Jesus taught me to do. I become impatient to listen and love others. God has convicted me of this several times. it's okay to want to relax, but the motivations stirring behind this drama is not a good reason. it makes me sleep late, and that is unhealthy for my body, especially since i will need a lot of rest for my profession in the future. and once again, as i have noted before, it really is ruining my perspective of how males and females relate. i really that in a lot of dramas the girls are portrayed more realistically than the guys for some reason. the guys are always the saving kind, and though men are made to want to have that protective instinct, it's not always that chivalrous and awe inspiring. also, what has made me realize this, besides my friends getting into relationships, is that it's always external things that come in for the dramas that block the couple from flourishing in their relationships. however, in real life, after two people date, there are many other problems that occur, some from the outside but a lot from the inside and just the combination of two personalities together. yes there is a romance but it is so unrealistically portrayed in dramaland. and i think i'm finally starting to realize this through understanding more about dating. in fact, the actress herself said that her exbf who is her coactor acts more sweetly in the drama than he ever did while they were dating. this just shows human fault and in particular, how guys are not always the knight in shining armor that they are portrayed to be. and it's not their fault. yes, as the future head of the family, they have certain responsibilities, but so do females. we are partners to help each other out, which some dramas do depict through mutual edification, but still not completely realistically. therefore, i do not want my expectations to just become more unrealistic and affect my future relationships. i need to be real. and God is never in the picture in movies, but He's my life and the perspective becomes so different.