if we are not directly connected to our Savior, how can we be able to have love flow out from our hearts to others?

it's difficult to try to care for people when you are tired and no longer have any energy to do so. nor when you are preoccupied with doing something else.

in fact, even if you try to care by asking, if that person has a lot of baggage and you really need to dig deep, maybe it was better that you didn't ask in the first place.

maybe you need to take care of your own self first before attending to others.

I've had really good conversations with many people this week. But is it because of that, that I lose the ability to have a conversation that is not deep but simple and fun? Does it no longer become meaningful and necessary to me?

I mean before you can develop that deep connection, you need to be socialize. But sometimes in groups, it's harder to get to know each other. And sometimes it's easier.

frightening dreams

couldn't fall asleep last night.
woke up around 3am. this hasn't happened in a long time.
blame myself for watching jdrama on forensics and detectives.
i know for sure i'm no longer going to watch that. furthermore, i really need to be careful of what my eyes see, because it affects me so strongly this way. it scares me. i do have God's protection if I stay close to Him, but I'm allowing myself to be susceptible to these scary images and therefore, this is the consequence.
i need to make sure this doesn't happen anymore. i need to actively resist.
praise God for being faithful. thanks to Erica who told me about her experiences with dreams that I was able to recite in my mind the first few Bible verses to keep me from not being able to fall asleep. Psalm 23 "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want."
i think God gave me a warning this time. He was still gracious to me for allowing to sleep some. But I need to be careful of what I take in of the world, especially things that will make me slip and fall easily.
I really need to focus on Him more. read more of His word and meditate on it [this is for sure]. Also read more Christian literature.
no more being scared.

a scary revelation

Matthew 7:21-23
"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,'will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

I realized tonight the true impact of this verse. Before, when I was in Bible Quizzing, I always thought this verse was scary, especially since I doubted a lot when I was younger. Was I really saved and was God really real? Does God really think I'm His child or am I just lying to myself? I think these are very scary thoughts, but the worst part is after talking to my dad today, there are many false Christians out there who do not realize that they are not actually saved.

This is something I've encountered before that is very sad, but I think I finally realized today, it is just as important to minister to these false Christians as it is to minister to the unbelievers, because BOTH are unbelievers. they both are lost and need God's true saving grace. I have so met so many people that I question about their faith because I see no fruit from my interaction with them. At the same time, I'm scared of judging them because it's not my place, but because I care for them, I do not want them to go to hell.

But as I've been realizing, just as important as it is to recognize Jesus as your Savior, it is just important to recognize Him as Lord, like this verse addresses Him as. it was not until I was older that I truly understood what this word, "Lord" meant. Before I always thought it was another synonym for God, but although it is always use in that context to refer to God, it is really a means of addressing someone whom you give your whole life over to and trust in Him.

Only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven will enter the kingdom.

It is essential that believers have change and transformation in their life, however small or slow it may be. Without that change, his likelihood of being saved is in jeopardy. This is very scary.

I need to really intercede in prayer for many of my friends. Only the Holy Spirit can work inside them to realize their wrongs and wake up to embrace Christ.

Obedience is essential to being a believer and the will to follow God is necessary.

cooking lessons

#1-pumpkin ravioli
-good recipe, but after making ravioli
a. need a bigger pot of bowling water for more ravioli and not to stick
b.need to stir while added in to prevent sticking
c. when making them, separate the ravioli from each other DO NOT STACK or else put flour in between
d. after draining, toss in oil

#2-monkey bread
-good recipe
a. BUTTER THE PLATE
b. don't pour sugar on top
c. don't cook for so long or will get too hard [need to keep moist]

as i was writing out the previous post and as the time nears to return to college, i'm getting excited but at the same time, my heart is being calmed and finally understanding what my dad told me a few nights ago. I really shouldn't take on more this semester, besides the stuff that I was previously doing [which as I was writing out is enough to keep me busy though i'm not applying for grad schools and have a lot of classes this semester--i don't really know how i did it]

however, i want to commit better to what I promised to do previously, spend more time in prayer for some things, but also plan more and work harder in those things. like in my classes, i want to be sure i read every page this semester because I really do enjoy reading--but i lack discipline. that's something else i really need to work on this semester.

also, it's true, i tend to spread myself so thin even though i always believe I have more time and can be doing more. however, what's the point if I do halfway for all the things I'm committed to. It's not good for anyone that i'm affecting or for myself. I really want to spend more time this semester deeper in God's word, prayer for friends and burdens He's placed on my heart. I need more of Him so I can be less. I still have so many sinful desires that I need to get rid of and be renewed in God's word.

also, some people in Michigan that I'm never going to see again since this is my last semester i should spend the most time I can investing as much in them as possible. living a holy life to hopefully point them in the direction of God. back to reading more evangelistic books.

verses my dad gave me this past semester

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint. [Isaiah 43]

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fails. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.-Matthew 4:4--possibly my verse for this year

The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. [Psalms]

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life....who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? [Matthew 6]

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. [Hebrews?]

Dad's life verse: "I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace."

Therefore this is what I will do to you, Israel, and because I will do this to you, Israel, prepare to meet your God." Amos 4:12

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

The young lions do lack and suffer hungry; but they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.--ohh, another verse of the year...

In quietness and trust is Your strength.

You are my Lord; I have no good besides You.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.-Philippians 4

a new year. although generally i don't do new years resolution, someone at church asked me today. i've always thought new years resolutions are dumb because most people can't keep them. when i was younger, i was naiive enough to think that people did. not to sound pessimistic and all, but I guess how i've always viewed change is that one can always make resolutions and that's how i've lived in the past four-five years. because i'm constantly convicted of my wrongdoings throughout the year, i didn't want to wait until new years. so i decided to just go ahead and make a resolution that day to start keeping it. i used to be such a stickler for rules, not saying that i'm not anymore. it's just that i was so unflexible it was ridiculous. probably a form of OCD, because i would not start resolutions until the next day. then one day my mom asked me why not start just right now? that seems kind of dumb to wait a day right? she is right. waiting a day is giving yourself more leeway because you don't necessarily want to change. however, if you are really convicted of the need to change, you would just do it then and there. but our sinful nature and desires for worldly things keep up from moving forward.

wow, writing that just reminded me of how i felt back in the past. it's scary that how i was so easily stressed and frustrated in the past is still revealed in certain situations today. interesting. i've always had the belief that people don't really change as they grow older but they express themselves differently. however the sins you have and the fleshy desires still remain at your core, because to be honest, everyone's bad to the bone already. that being said, don't misread what i wrote. i do not mean that people's hearts cannot be changed. they can be. just not by other people. by God alone and the Holy Spirit. it's something unfathomable to us as humans but that's why we really have to trust and commit our lives to God in order to change. yes, initially he comes down to save us and he pursues after us, but in becoming His children, we also need to pursue holiness.

so, i started thinking about this upcoming year. because of the roughness of this past semester, i've feel like i've experienced much. maybe that's why i feel like it would be good to have a new years resolution. i guess for me, it's also a chance to live this semester fully pleasing to God.

man does not live on bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.--this is tentatively my verse of the year. which is good, since I have it committed to memory so that should help me out in my walk. i really genuinely want to seriously [lots of adverbs] grow in His word this year. i desire to read it with eyes anew but i also really need the content knowledge. this may be my selfish human nature acting up, wanting to be knowledgeable, but I feel that this is also something that I need to do to grow more. i know there is no ultra fast way to grow but i feel like i've been tricking myself. though i have been growing in understanding, i need to Know God's word also. and not reading enough of the Bible is a problem. it's hard to express because i have selfish intentions mixed in, but can I say that this desire is from God? Whatever it is, I pray that God may use it. I do want to grow in further understanding of His word also which is something I know will happen as I live my life, face my sinful self and the circumstances around me, viewing it with God's eyes and responding in new gospel enhanced ways. like how some Christian books are written, the gospel is a story retold throughout the Bible. the story of redemption of God's people. I think I really want to grow in my basics and understanding of the words easily thrown around. what do these Christian terms really mean?

i no longer should stay and indulge in my sinfulness. although it's enjoyable, i know I'm missing out. but it's so hard to peel away. i think this is one of my biggest struggles: complacency. i'm sure there are others who struggle with it, but sometimes the growing Christians around me don't see it. i guess I feel even more guilty sometimes because it seems so evident [to me].

haha i'm tired. this will have to be finished another time.