new years

i just realized how emo the last entry sounded...haha sorry about that. I was trying to be vague because I can't actually write out what happened since it'd be bad if people were to read it. gotta leave people some privacy ;) but making it vague ends up being dark, which seems to be my style.

it's actually been kinda hard being at home during this Christmas, ironically. not sure what it is--but maybe it's that I'm growing up and i'm no longer a kid. it's kinda weird feeling. not that i've been doing anything significant or worthy this break, not even hanging out with my high school friends. wow, high school feels so long ago--i've feel like i've aged. i need to do a better job maintaining friends. i really do value them, but i'm just such a lazy and awkward person. haha.

i think what i need to do above all is to pray more. i've been reading proverbs and praying a bit in the mornings which has been really good, but i just feel so sluggish and not wanting to do anything, taking two hour naps and whatnot and then getting stressed about the remaining grad school apps. i really feel like i've shortened my life span by stressing because sometimes it just comes so automatically. i've tried not to complain about it, but i really need to give it all to God, it's just so hard.

I know He's really molding me, but I'm scared and feeling sort of lonely. I have lots of friends and a great family but a time is coming when I'm switching schools again and I won't have the community I have now, which is alright because I like meeting new people, but what happens if I don't find a good community? also, because my brother has a gf, it also reminds me that one day i'll be away from everyone because we need to live our own lives. it would just be an extremely bad idea to live in the same house, even though I know that's common in Asia, but the American culture is so much more independent.

i am really like an emotional yo yo sometimes. something little can make me so joyous that i am excited and jump up and down and can't contain myself from spreading happiness to others. but at the same time, some little comment can bother me for a few hours like crazy and i need to solve the problem in my heart.

what to do?

you want to get along with someone, but you just don't click. but you keep seeing this person over and over.
how unfortunate.

praise praise God

He is so good.
i want to thank my healthy body and how all works well in God's timing.
I want to thank God for helping me heal quickly whenever I am sick--He has blessed me so much and also I thank Him for good guiding parents who are very loving towards me.
God loves me so much.--maybe this is why I want to give back to the children with all the love I have received? even though I'm not sure if I will be able to reach them because I have not faced some of the difficulties they may have. However, I believe that the work of the Holy Spirit can do what I cannot to reach these children. I think honesty and allowing God to work through me is the best.

this has been one of the best semesters of my life--i think I've finally learned what it means to be a Christian. before, I truly do believe I was saved by Christ or at least He never let go of me. But it's amazing how much He has shown me I don't think i've really grasped the gospel until this year, by that I still mean the basics. i think I've finally realized that we live the gospel over and over again. I think that's how you keep your Christian faith fresh in all honesty. realizing God's amazing race on the cross and how much we are sinners.

God has worked in me so much from my drama fast, I think He's really helped me draw closer to Him I mean to be honest, I have reverted slightly since then, but I know He has the power to take it away from me. and at least, I am no longer addicted. although I think I should spend more of my free time reading God's work and Christian books, which I think has more merit and has helped me in my growth. so this will be a goal of next semester.

I also learned to take a step closer towards God in committing my schoolwork and stress to Him. and He has carried me through even in spite of my laziness. but now I know where my true hope if founded upon. God has great plans for me and not saying that I won't stumble or doubt or anything, but this sense of freedom from homework is beyond imaginable. something that my dad reminded me also in relation to this aspect: i shouldn't always say that i lack motivation because that won't be a good testimony to others. i need to continually to be joyful because of the hope that is in me.

lastly, this is the next process i am embarking on. i have self image and self control issues as was shown in my lack of restraint for drama. however, after fasting a whole day with just clear liquids, i think I can finally motivate myself to restricting myself and eating a healthier diet. i think throughout the years, as I have tried this, God has been good and my diet is not that bad, especially since I moved out this year. but people will revert to laziness and good tasting foods. however, my body is a temple of God and it is important that I take care of it physically so I can do His good work. I'm thankful that He gave me such a strong body in spite of how I treat it at times. over the years, through my motivation of wanting to look better, i have exercised also. but i think i'm slowly starting to realize it's benefits with my low blood pressure and slow heart beat. and i thoroughly enjoy running and listening to music, which is something that I won't be able to start again until february. but it's interesting how God has used this way to open my eyes in order to have a healthier lifestyle. anyways, my next commitment, longer than any other one is to restrict my diet for the next semester. the fruit of the Spirit of self control will really need to help me on this one and I'll have to spend lots of time in prayer. this is all to God's glory.

something amazing. As I was writing out an email to ask for prayers, from Ann Arbor alone, I listed out 12 email addresses. God has blessed me SO much. coming from high school, i was at a loss with some of my friendships. i had friends, but always i felt lonely. and not saying that i no longer feel lonely or anything like that, because i don't think that's completely possible, especially with how people-oriented i am. however, God has given me such amazing friendships that are all solidly founded on him at UM. i really can see how He worked in my life in these past two and a half years and why He wanted me to come here. this gives me hope that He will continue to provide for me, which is important because i am having a slightly difficult time wrapping my mind around the fact that I will be leaving my comfort zone a second time. i mean throughout the years, every summer I would go off somewhere with some organization and meet new people. every time i would be slightly nervous, no doubt. God has always been good in every season. however, i have to admit, these college years have been times of great growth and joy for me. i learned so much about what it means to live as a Christian. fellowship is really a beautiful thing. but for me, it's never been large groups, but the conversations that i have with people. i think overall i have also matured and inside no longer feel as needy or insecure. perhaps because of the greater hope I have, I know not to worry.

so looking back to how i felt in high school, i have grown a lot, especially in emotional maturity. i think college has been a great growth experience and has really shown me what life apart from my parents look like. i love them very much, but i do believe that i need to move on. something funny. as much as i will miss aa and cherish the times there, i may be leaning towards returning to NY more than going west, even though i have the desire to. however, after taking developmental psych, i was reminded that i need to be around to take care of my parents in the future. i mean, tim will most likely be staying near them, but maybe this is the filial side of me, because i'm not sure how much he understands sometimes. i know he loves our parents, but he can be a bit scatterbrained. we're just created differently.

so that being said, i'm contemplating seriously to return back to east coast for work. i still wouldn't live at home, but the thing is, it would be way easier to find a job if i went to school near here. i do want to live my own life, but it'll be just that much harder for me to take care of my parents if i go far away. they probably still have 10-15 years, but it would be hard for me to settle down or even uproot them from their own way of living. but being a person, who loves to be on the move, it's difficult for me. it would mean a great sacrifice. i think i need to start praying about this matter and see where God wants me. He will take care of my parents if I am not called to stay.

anyways, i'm so thankful for the Christian friendships in AA. it's been everything that i've wanted and sought in the past. but it has also helped me learn how to stand on my own two feet because I have our Father in Heaven.

self-righteousness and judgment

so i've realized today, once again, that i judge and can be pretty harsh about it.

i have trouble accepting sin, particularly the sexual kind. the biggest problem is: i know it's wrong. I know that God forgave the person and I know how God has worked in the person to bring them this far. If God forgave him/her, why can't I? Who am I to say that I have the right to look down on anyone else? Every sin is just as bad in God's eyes. but for some reason, I can't wrap my finger around it, but it's my reflex to automatically start judging and wanting to distance myself. i actually feel disgusted about it--therefore disgusted with myself in a sense.

it was really good to talk to Kellie about it. because she doesn't press the issue. and I know that even though she may not know, God opened my eyes partially through her words. I think she made a really good point that it's hard to control one's thoughts, just like how people will automatically lust after a person possibly when they see them. and she also mentioned how there are some things God just does not take away. maybe He uses them to continually humble us.

her giving me these examples really helped me though. because just as a person who has lustful thoughts, if they came to me, i know from my own testimony and others that God is the only one who can change thoughts because He has all power. He is able to do anything, as long as you commit it to Him. He is powerful than anything else we can imagine. so though, He may not necessarily take away thoughts from our minds, each time we encounter it, we need to react in the right way instantly and it will get easier as we get older. I also believe that He can change us though. I don't think Kellie knows this but by giving me the example, she really helped me out. I was able to be more ease and come to terms with myself. I just simply need to commit my thoughts to God whenever this happens, but also just in general. I need to meditate on holy thoughts, pleasing to Him and soon my reflex will start to mirror His. I cannot conquer it alone. feelings may be hard to change, but I know God can show me how to love those people because that is a decision and only He knows how to love unconditionally.

by realizing this sin of mine---

Heavenly Father, I thank you for speaking to me through my roommate. It was such a blessing and reassurance. Lord God, I know You work in many ways. This is an opportunity for me to relive the gospel again. I confess that I think I am good enough sometimes. Better than those other people, like that Pharisee in one of the gospels. However, You are not pleased with such people. Please humble and break me Lord. I am scared to pray this, but I know that You can change my self-righteous ways because the only way of going to Heaven is through Your son, the only blameless person in this world. I admit that I need Your strength to overcome my weaknesses Lord. Please let me live the way Jesus lived in a humble manner and purify my thoughts and my heart. Father, take away this judgmental attitude of mine and give me a heart that can embrace and love people despite their past because You love them so much to die for them. Please show me how to love unconditionally. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

a prayer that I really need to give God

been wanting to get up dance and lately.

self control. trusting God with my life.
things I've been learning in the past week.
it's been difficult and a tug of war with God.
Father God, I know that if I don't have you, I have nothing. I may get the best grades and have the best friends, but life won't mean anything. i won't have true joy or peace when I serve You and I will be left purposeless. Father God, you know where I am. I need your strength to be able to control my impulses. I need to follow after You and please forgive me when I have strayed so much these past few days, following after the desires of my flesh. I really am weak though I want to serve You. I need to learn to be disciplined so please convict me stronger than ever and give me the ability to withstand temptations with Your power because you reign over this earth. Father God, I try hard and You know the time I put in. I ask that You will give me peace about my grades and that I will be able to trust in You because I really have put all my energy in doing the best I think is possible and beyond my ability I can do nothing. Father let me learn to be satisfied with Your will and with You alone and not the worldly treasures. You give me every good gift to do the will of Your kingdom. Please let me leave the success up to You and give You all glory in whatever. In exams, papers, and graduate school. I plead to You and offer these things/idols up to You that You can take them away so I may have full peace and joy and trust in You. I will try my hardest and let me learn to be humble about what You have given me and consult You in every decision I do. I pray for this upcoming paper due Tuesday and thanks for supporting parents. Give me the ideas I need tow rite this paper and the concentration that I need to be able to write it. I lift it up to You. I also want to pray for two exams that are optional that You would give me wisdom about whether or not I should take them and what is best depending on my available time and resources. Please guide me to know what to do. I commit every area of my life to You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

wow, haven't blogged in a while.

partially because every time I tried or thought in my mind I would, I lost the emotions behind it and lost urge to write a post.

life has been good because God is good. He really has taken away all my worries and stress and leaning on Him for what grades to get and my future feels good. that being said, today i was faced with a situation in which reminded me of my fleshy nature again. and i had to once more pray and turn to God to get rid of the stress that was about to build. i like things done instantly, and my way. so being patient in love and waiting on God is difficult for me. but He has been teaching me that in the past two days. i have prayed, but i need to pray more.

in that sense, i'm still a little scared at this point and in the depths of my core, maybe even more, of not having a future. but God has great plans for me, like Jeremiah states, so I know in my heart that my emotions should not feel this way. because if God is not there where I want to be, then I won't be satisfied no matter what.

today i realized that i really would not be able to be a psychology major. i don't know how my roommates do it, but it's difficult. sitting there in class, listening on how to "pursue" happiness. it's all wrong.

i don't care if people laugh at me. because as Corinthians say, I will look like a fool to everyone. haha, kind of like what people did when i mentioned to pray for Stephanie before drinking. which was cool, I didn't really mind, but I was a little scared of being judged at first, seeing their glances. however, I should only care about the judgment of my Creator.

but back to psychology. these past few lectures/information-i could not agree on it at all. in class, i wanted to shout my real reason, but it didn't seem academic. i'm still learning how to worship God through this aspect. because there are so many gaps in psychology where God is the only way to bridge and fill that gap. if God is for us, who can be against us?

i think one thing i need to be careful of [something i've always needed to check myself on] is pride. i look around sometimes in life and question why are people not devoted and their lives not changing? how can you hide the fact that God's working in your life? at the same time, that's being a hypocrite because there are times where i just live life and want to enjoy it. sometimes i'm so extreme in my emotions in that sense. but in a sense, i'm scared to grow older and lose fire/passion for God. I believe people should always be growing and challenged over and over again. i need to keep my eyes fixed upon Jesus and don't let pride come in the way, because just as He humbled himself, I need to look as others better than myself. because when i realize how i've sinned and how the gospel has saved me, i'm no better. instead I should share the reason for my joy.

God is good.
I made the right decision to not go home Thanksgiving.

Prayers work.
Pray for all things all the time, for all guidance, because Your God CARES.

I love libraries.
And sometimes papers.

I WILL no longer know what stress is.

my dad rebuked me today, but i think i really needed to hear it

so as i'm finishing up this drama fast, i think i'm onto beginning another fast. but before i tell you what it is, i want to make a quick mention, of what God spoke to me today through my dad.
i'm so blessed to have a father who is wise and a strong Christian to guide me. I really don't think I'll ever surpass him, but I respect him so much and I aspire to be faithful like he is. He is really a blessing to me and a discipler in so many ways.

anyways to make a long story short, i need to learn to give God the area of my life devoted to schoolwork. I think I've realized how i have made that an idol in my life and how I am so success driven, really a product of society. I am so focused on what my efforts can do to achieve what and even though sometimes, especially for things like evangelism or other "God-related" things, I do ask for God to give me strength and attribute success to Him, I don't really fully believe it.

so i realized today that I should not be working for the result that occurs but instead should leave that up to God. all the more reason to spend more time in prayer and actually mean it when I plead to God for wisdom and for outcomes. I need to do my part and do my best and put in my effort but I should leave the success up to God.

so my fast is going to teach me to not stress in these next three weeks. and how to manage that stress effectively by lifting it all up to God. everytime, I complain and talk about stress, I will react in prayer. I am going on a fast from complaining.

I really feel like God is sharpening me for His kingdom's work as I continue to grow and be more active in my faith this year. and I praise Him for that.

God reminded me again today of the importance of evangelism and that I need to learn how to share the gospel. What better way to learn how to do it effectively than by doing it?

I need to step up my game.

He also reminded me of hte value of reading Christian books and praying and growing in Him.

I hope I never forget.

Here's to a stressful week coming up-May I keep my eyes focused on Him.

pressing on to the prize ahead of me

had a dash of feeling old today.
maybe it's all this time by myself. not that it isn't good or anything [i'm already panicking because i only have a day and a half left] i didn't get to do all the work i wanted =/ i think my production was just slower than normal

anyways, i think i'm feeling slightly burned out/tired. i've been spending time in prayer and the Word, but i think i really just need this semester to end.

Heavenly Father, please give me your strength to move on. Give me your wisdom in how you want me to live and interact with people. Teach me how to love them with Your unconditional love. Show me how I need to speak in order to make an impact in their lives. I want to be bold for your gospel and words, Lord. You know my feelings of wanting this semester to end Lord, I ask for Your forgiveness in the ways I have been unfaithful to You and not handing over every aspect of my life to You. I pray that You would give me energy to continue to move on through the rest of this semester. I ask for your joy and peace to refill me day by day, that I can be a good witness to others of how You have infiltrated my life and that You alone matter and doing what You will me to do is what is best. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

grad school apps

quite nervous about these actually. submitted one yesterday and one today. i have to do 8 in total, so need to do two more tonight because I'm trying to finish all of them over break.

sigh, i'm anxious. today, erica actually made a really good point to me that if God wants me to go there, He'll get me there. God has really been working in my life this year but I guess I'm still learning to give over ALL of my life to Him. He really knows my weaknesses, especially my past hurts with college applications. I have a sense of inferiority and incompetancy, but like they say, it's not what you know, it's WHO you know. so I should be set and not fretting all the time. I really should not focus on this. I should do my best on the applications and concentrate, but I need to readjust and focus on God. He is the one who gave me the opportunity to come to Michigan, to meet all these wonderful friends that challenge my faith but also my intellectual growth. I admit, God has given me such a good family of friends here. although I think I always yearn after more, especially with how I've been hurt in the past in my friendships, I think this is another lesson He's trying to teach me, that no human is as dependable as He is. I need to readjust the way I view my friendships and relationships with people, to make sure that isn't an idol. There sure is a lot of refining and reconstructing to do in my heart and brain.

Heavenly Father,
I pray that you can take away this idol of wanting to succeed in life by getting into a good graduate school. Just like how you blessed me by allowing me to get into a college, I pray that I will be discerning in how I choose graduate schools and that I can learn to trust You. I pray that I would not compare myself with others and how well they do or what colleges they get in but that I would find my purpose in You alone and my fulfillment in You always. Father, I lift up my fears of not getting into graduate schools, of bad personal statements, of uncertainties about the programs I apply to. I lift all these up to You and I pray that You would guide me in Your Holy Spirit to make the best decisions. I pray that I would come to You at every moment for every word. I ask for Your peace to rest on me as I submit these apps and wait patiently for their responses. I pray all this in our Lord Jesus Christ's name, Amen.

thank you God.

stephanie sent out a great video reminding me that we should really be praising God today and entering into his presence joyfully.

I am a little sad that I can't spend this day with my family and it can get lonely, yet it's been fun still. I've enjoyed cooking in the apartment, something I have not done in a long time and I was able to do some work also. I know the work I am doing now will be beneficial to my later breaks and times with friends when they come back. I need to motivate myself even more, but because I am alone, I still have many hours to come =)

It was so good to pray and lift up prayers to God this morning and read His word, so refreshing. I feel like I've disconnected with Him somewhat this week and also reading a lot of Christian books has started to make me a little disillusioned? I mean they all say very good things, but I think hearing words from my Creator is better than anything else. furthermore, after watching the video, I was so refreshed. yes, I may not know all there is to know about God and His kingdom and hey, I'm young and have lots of time. I also have a Heavenly Father who adores me and His Spirit living in me to guide me and give me wisdom. I need to pursue after Him but today I think I need to rest well in Him and just praise Him, because He fulfills all my needs.

make up

so i'm at work right now and finished one assignment! haha, actually it wasn't even on my list of things to do but it's due when i get back, so it's nice to have that fully done.

anyways, onto the subject. to take a break, i was just looking at fb photos, being the creepy stalker i am ;) but it's really interesting seeing some people's before and after pictures for make up. and also i guess as i grow older, more girls put on make up. to be honest, when i was younger, i used to think that there was not much of a difference, but now i have started to realize that some girls put on so much that when they take it off, they look like another person.

to be honest, i'm not sure how i feel about that. the other day in social psychology class we were talking about foot binding and how that can be compared with females wearing heels today. anyways, we got onto the topic of plastic surgery and different standards of beauty for the different times that we live in. but when people were talking about that and how other cultures may see that as a negative aspect for how much we care about beauty, immediately in my mind, the idea of make up. it's the same, is it not? i mean, i know plastic surgery is way more extreme since it is an actual restructuring of the body, but the thing is: the desire to be presented as beautiful is the same. i guess the amount of make up really makes a difference, especially when the person looks like a different person. what bothers me is that these people are still not considered natural beauties then, right? on the other hand, i do agree with the fact that people who take time to take care of themselves and how they look in front of others--this is an important skill when someone is in the public sphere. in fact, it is a way of saying "i respect you."

don't get me wrong. i have no problem with people putting on make up. it's just really an interesting concept. i still don't consciously think about whether people have make up on or not and how different they look. i think these thoughts only come up when i look at the before and after pictures.

haha, maybe because i don't really know how to put on makeup so that's why i have these thoughts.

i need to have more faith. I feel like this year will be a year of great growth, not just because I am a small group leader, but because I really feel like God is reconstructing my life--kind of reminds me what Erica once said. something along the lines of praying a prayer about God breaking you and changing your life and how that that can be a dangerous prayer because you will not be prepared for the consequences.

i think in life, God has given me two very big struggles, aka idols. one that i never realized what the true idol was because it was covered by other things and the other something that i always desired and strived for. i am no different from any other girl and my struggles are exactly the same. so it's conventional. but the route that i take it in, now that is completely different.

i think as a person, it's pretty hard to read me in this sense. i mean, i am easy to read, as kellie says, in terms of my facial expressions when i converse with people, but when it comes down to issues and hardships in my own life, i don't really share them. and this is by no means a pity post or anything like that. i know it seems ironic to type this out on a blog, but it helps me to process and chart my growth by writing these things down. anyways, i think there are a lot of things i would love to share with people, but because i don't want to burden them since everyone is just surviving in a sense, that is why I don't share until someone asks.

anyways, i am so thankful for my parents because they give me lots of support in love and prayer. i think they are also the ones that kind of molded one of my struggles, but it's definitely not solely their fault by any means, because i think they are also under the influence of society, as i also am.

anyways, going back to what i was saying in the beginning. God is really reshaping my life this year. and i love it. in some respects. it's so freeing to see that something i've been struggling so long with, the addiction to dramas, is finally being reckoned with. i know it's definitely not by my strength. but i also finally have matured to the point where i see that this was essential. i am thankful for this fast and what it has shown me, especially since i was being intentional and it was not simply just because i was too busy. i think it was important for me to struggle with temptation and boredom/anxiety and trying to find more rest in God.

I think God is continually trying to pull me back towards Him though. in the beginning of the fast, I really came before Him, but now in my more restless moments, I have not been focusing very well. I need to remember. I think this is something I will always struggle with-trying to be in constant prayer and devotion, but i definitely want to work hard and grow even more.

and now, i think God is bringing up my other main struggle in life, that of body image. i know that i have a vain stroke in me and i have always tried to deny it, but it never disappears. i think this stems from wanting to be loved and romanced. however, i believe that God really needs me to be satisfied in Him. it still scares me slightly that I can never get married, but as I was reading a friend's post on facebook and how she realized that her relationship with her boyfriend was possibly an idol because she did not want to give it up, she is finally content with having God alone. i think I need to learn this. I think the feeling will be difficult and I will be tempted, but I need to trust Him alone.

hah. that seems to be a major theme in life in the past year. actually, it's pretty cool how God has been growing me. i am encouraged because it's so refreshing to actually see myself changing practically and not just have empty words. I think i need to be careful of pride in this case. but anyways, this thorn of body image still has some space in my life. i really need to get rid of it and love myself for who God created me to be. it's so hard though. i know He has blessed me so much so why am i still dissatisfied?

i recall having a conversation with Sara during dship and she mentioned the possibility of God having "favorites" in terms of some people being especially favored. although i do not completely agree with this concept, i have to say that I am definitely one of the most favored people of all, if that is the case. I have grown up in the most amazing family ever. hands down. yes, they have scarred me, but compared to others, it's nothing. they love and accept everything i do. my parents are seriously the greatest role models ever. i respect my dad for his godly wisdom like no other and it's just amazing to me. my mom's overwhelming love and compassion for others moves me and encourages me to do the same. i think that's why i'm so sociable, because i definitely picked it up from her. i really don't know any other parents that accept me so unconditionally like my own. i've had no stereotypical asian struggle. my parents let me choose whatever major i wanted. they're just super amazing.
i think i've been slightly scarred by friendships in high school and how people have hurt me because they did not really care, but i think through that all, God was still very gracious and taught me lots. and even though i was hurt, really compared to others, it was not any sort of huge betrayal. i think it's things i need to deal with, but seriously in my life, it seems that God has made the path so easy. i have had no huge failure, no huge struggles even though they may seem big to me. i really can't express how thankful I am yet at the same time, I feel sad because I know many others lives are suffering. i am not sure how God can use me, but I'm hoping because of how He has blessed me in laughter because of my carefree nature and how I have so much love to give because of His love for me, I can be a blessing to others. maybe this is why I want to teach. I definitely want to reach God's people and bring His kingdom.

my brother is going to complain if i don't mention him and even though none of my family has my blog [since i didn't start til recently, although i think they were the first ones i told two years ago?] i will still give him a few words. it is so amazing to have an older brother. when people admire me and say that they are jealous, there is nothing i can say but, "you should be." i mean we have the BEST sibling relationship ever that i wouldn't trade for the world. i love that he's completely honest to share so many parts of his life with me, which makes me feel loved, because my love language is time. I love to watch shows with him and all the stuff he shows me. i also love talking to him at night while he's trying to sleep and i keep bothering him. but anyways, it's actually pretty great to have a guy's perspective, which is not something i truly appreciate until i came to college. i remember during the beginning of my sophomore year and how he called me to encourage me. haha little things like that really moved me because i know his personality. i really admire his carefree nature and how nothing is a big deal. at least nothing in my world is a big deal to him. and it's cool to see that because sometimes girls inflate issues so big. i don't how he appreciates my sisterhood, but i love him =)

so back to my struggle because i need to complete my thought and record this down because it's so epic. jk. but really, i am starting to see how God is working on this next area of my life as my fast is nearing its end. God is asking me to give this part of my life over to Him. i am no longer able to do it through control on my own time and what i think is best, but I need to see thing with His eyes and work on His time.

okay, that was long, but fun.

ihavesomethingtotellyou. those are devastating words. destruction that skewers my veins. compressed and I struggle to pull it out. reconstruction of impulses changed my desires. reoriented, I am. cutting away the gum from the roots. screaming. a flight of smiles.

Straining towards what is ahead.

a double glance.
you blocked me.

flashing skies.
repeat.

drowning in affection.

1111:
=freedom.
appreciation, farewell party.

it's only been a week and a half...

as the title states, i've only been fasting for only about a week and a half but it seems so much longer. at the same time, by this stage, despite being tempted and sometimes in my free time, really wanting to watch, i know I can conquer, thanks to the grace and strength God has already given me. I am pretty tempted once again today because it's Saturday and I just want to rest. I keep wanting to rationalize in my mind that it's okay to just watch an episode. but even that can mess me up, i think. if i don't learn now to actively fast from this, i never will. well, not exactly, but what better time to start than now?

i really need to start growing up. i mean this is my last year in college and next year in graduate school will be the next step of independence, because i'll be needing to find a job after that. crazy how life moves so fast. i still feel that i am so young and not completely adult. i think God [and my earthly father] reminded me this week that I need to step it up and be responsible for my decisions. it may not be obvious to many people, but i'm seriously indecisive. and from taking psychology of development i have finally realized that the reason for this, at least in later years, is because i'm afraid to bear negative consequences. but i'm coming to the age that i need to mature and learn how to be responsible for my decisions and just do them, even if i make a mistake. i have God on my side, so who can be against me, right? pains and hurts will happen, but i need to learn from those. i need to stop being scared of failing [not that i have never done so, but overall i've been really blessed by God]

last thing: reading through True Love in a World of False Hope, a former doubt drifted into my mind. what happens if all i'm reading is not true? what happens if God does not exist? at fist, i started panicking when these thoughts starting forming in my mind because i was scared because so much of my life in these recent years in particular have been formed around my faith. not many people know this, but there was a point in my childhood that i doubted a lot about my faith and the reality of God. But being a person who does not like to think too long in her own thoughts because i'd rather be doing things, i think that by attending church and interacting with Christians and learning more about God through retreats, my doubts just dissipated and never became really addressed. at sparse times in my life, i will have these thoughts once again. it's very scary to me actually. sometimes i want to know the thoughts of other people and how they came to faith, but i know it's hard for them to put it into words, even if they tell me how they were saved. how do you explain those inner thought processes of faith? it's infathomable.

however, today as i had this thought and the fear started raising in my heart, i realized something. i thought about the things i had been reading in this book. and as i started to think about it a little, i realized that God has to exist. if He didn't, why do we feel moral wrongs? humans evidently don't follow laws or else we wouldn't have people in jail. and people in nature so rebellious, me included. if God did not exist, it would make no sense for people to feel bad about killing/stealing from others. i mean why should a person feel guilty for those things in the first place, unless it were our conscience speaking? there has to be a greater authority in order for this law to exist within our hearts because humanly we cannot do it on our own. i guess also the idea of male and female and even the creation of romantic relationships and sexual intimacy. none of that makes sense if we don't have a Creator who delights in us and has all these great plans for us. in specific what answered the trigger to this question was why do people consider having sex before marriage as a problem? and it's such prevalent thinking. but in the Christian faith, what does not make sense is clear. i know i'm not being completely coherent and there may be faulty arguments because i did not fully expand, but it makes so much sense to me. also the idea of "knowing" each other is such an interesting concept, "knowing" in the sense of beyond physical intimacy. a way to mirror the trinity, how the human relationship with God is to be mirrored in this way, with this longing to know each other even more. time to read Knowing God. =)

it's amazing how my fears have dispelled from this drama fast. i want to read some apologetic books when i get home to get a different way of answering this question from a more scientificish perspective, but it feels really great to finally feel satisfied and not concerned with this question anymore. life would not make sense without God, without Jesus, my Savior.

i love the library.
as much as the chairs hurt my butt after a while. i like being productive and doing hw. for some reason, when i'm at home, i just can't motivate myself no matter how hard i try. the sad thing is sometimes i just want to bum around because i'm tired and wear my pajammies.

sparse thoughts

God is good...all the time.

compelling was great this year and i'm glad I went. i got to witness some great changes in the heart and new understandings during chapter prayer time and it was really such an encouragement and blessing to me.

i also realized/regretted a little about the way i spent my past 20 years in school. it's finally hit me just how important those years are and how they are such a great ministry opportunity, but i don't really think i lived the life to direct others to Christ. instead, i relied on my own self righteousness. i am so thankful that God never gives up on His people because if not, I would be a long lost cause with my continual repetitions of falling into sin.

yesterday i gave in to temptations of the flesh and didn't sleep until 3am. although i didn't break my drama fast, i rationalized with myself and thought it would be okay to read manga. that was a fail. i need to rely more on the Spirit because I know that my own inhibitions and self control can do nothing.

but thanks be to God, I can always bounce back because He never gives up on me. I'm thankful for how things are turning out for the rest of this semester too. I am stressed but not overly so, because most of my due dates are sparsed out, however now it's about cracking down and doing the work, which has been on and off. I know if I don't do it now, i'll regret it, so I need to push myself to do it. really not always the easiest because i'm ready for a break.

Heavenly Father, I need strength. Strength to resist temptations of relaxation and those of seeking out to lose myself in entertainment. Please renew me with Your strength that I can be productive in how I use my remaining time and let me be refreshed daily in You. I pray for your peace to reside in my heart and for myself to focus on things of you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

current convictions from compelling I am to keep: pray at least 5-10 minutes a day. share the gospel--need boldness. that won't be easy. i'm not sure of what words I should even start with. I think I'll begin by praying for wisdom and words and timing. I also hope that I will continual to motivate myself to read Christian books and God's word to grow even more.

was going to write last night, but kind of got distracted so now i don't remember.

anyways, this fast from drama was harder than i thought it would be. and i was surprised by this because i didn't expect to feel this way. especially since this past year I had not had a lot of trouble with watching drama and being addicted to it or whatnot. in fact, before fall break, i didn't watch much. but just like last year, i became kind of burned out and it resulted in watching drama and wanting to ignore doing work. which made me realize the biggest problem.

i'm going to the wrong source every time i'm tired and this is hindering my growth. i mean i've known this for some time, at least a year and a half. but thinking that i was stronger than my sinful nature was too idealistic of me. i thought i could stop it at any time and with God's strength, that's certainly possible, but i guess the reality of actually permanently never watching dramas again is still sort of sad for me. because before when i stopped watching or limited myself, i always told myself, in the future when i completely get rid of the addiction, then maybe i could watch for leisure or to relax. but i have started realizing that that time may be a long time away from me. and i need to stay away from drama a significant time before that can actually happen. actually, in truth, as i have been reading these books on sex and dating relationships i have realized that it just does not seem possible. i read some stories where even married women were dissatisfied in their marriage because they thought that romantic relationship would fulfills their dreams and desires, but it turned out to be false so they were disillusioned. in the same way, i feel if i continue to watch dramas when i'm married, then it's just sad. and i'm not generalizing to the rest of the population, but this certainly holds true for me, seeing how big of a stronghold it is in my heart. only God can fulfill my most basic needs for me to feel fulfilled and although i acknowledge it, i need to live it out. like i have said in the past, i think God for sure is telling me that until I can be completely satisfied with being loved by Him alone, i will never be in a relationship, which would be dangerous to give it to me, because it may become an idol to me. so now i need to focus on Him.

that's why i think i really am doing the right thing this time by focusing on Him when i'm tired and weary because that's what i should have been doing in the start. i should not find my Savior and Lord as something that takes energy out of me but come to Him for solace. it's a hard practice because sometimes it seems so boring, as bad as that sounds, but i think this is a discipline i need to learn.

God can conquer all so I need to hand this over to Him.

i will conquer #1

started reading True Love in a False World of Hope [something like that]

i'm hoping that in this three week period, i can really revise my view of romantic relationships.

some interesting things from the book. we were made to be sexual beings and we should embrace that because it is a part of who we are. by denying our sexual desires and our gender identity, we are saying that what God created is not essential/important. i may not be good at rephrasing this idea, but it really struck me that temptations and longings I have for romance and love are not irregular and i should not feel the need to suppress them because God made me this way. yes, it's part of my sinful nature, but in obedience, this can be something that can be enjoyed because in God's plan, sexuality was designed to be something that we humans enjoyed.

second thing: the book really strongly advocates friendship before dating. i realize how this really turns around all those dramas i've watched and this realization was important for me to have. many of the dramas come from chance encounters between a poor and rich person sometimes and are not in the least bit realistic, but yet it's what every girl dreams of. they hate each other from the outset but then develop attraction over time. although i still think there's some merit about dramas in bow they portray people because it speaks to the depths of people's desires and is a reflection of society [in terms of how relationships run] i think this is a much more healthy and accurate portrayal. i always knew friendship first was the best foundation for any relationship but in my daydreams and when i envision myself dating in the future, that's not what i think of first. so although i know this concept, i am not truly believing in it. so this was really good for me to finally read and understand. i have yet to find the part in the book about what happens if romantic attraction does not happen in that friendship even though that the person is really awesome. does it means it was not meant to be?
regardless this was a really good reminder, even though the book was a little extreme in how it described the necessity of friendships [basically if there is no friendship then the relationship is not based on anything at all because you cannot talk about anything]

another interesting thing: the book addresses DTRs, in a much more tame way. but between friends who want to see if they should become more, there really was a pair who met up and decided they weren't meant to be together because they had different vocational callings. i think this really confirmed a firm belief and desire in me that i would know right away the person for me because he would be called to the same area of ministry as me. [perhaps going abroad] regardless of what it is, it would be nice to have a similar ministry, even though i don't want to be compared, but at least we have to be called to the same place. i think this is a big one. so cool confirmation on that.

fangirling

haha, here's another random post.

normally i'd be writing this in my journal, but i just feel like typing so whatevs.

anyways, so i just finished watching another drama. this sin in my life is so difficult for me to get rid of, but i know it's really all my fault. and it's stupid because no matter how I tell people, it sounds stupid [so that's why i just refer to it without outright saying what i struggle with--because I think in essence, this sin of mine is very similar to those of addiction so i can relate even though the subject seems silly]

you know this seems to be my main fault and what hinders my growth in God the most and even though I know I could just take control and make the conscious decision, but my sinful nature never seems to let go.

i fully know the reason why God tells me not to watch drama--it gives me the unrealistic notions of love in all different aspects. it tells me that's what life is mainly about [which is not true--it's God gift to mankind]. it tells me the wrong messages about how guys will act in relationships. those sweet words are not necessarily true. and even though dramas do portray conflicts, how realistic will they be? i feel like this downfall of mine, until i get rid of it, i can never get in a relationship. until my thoughts are fully free of wanting this romance and love, God will not bring a significant other into my life. it's really a hard struggle. and even harder, because most people don't know i think like this. and i usually fall into this pattern the worse after watching dramas. i'm thankful that i finished it today because now i can focus on my homework. and it was fun while watching it and really relaxing it. but i get so jealous for that kind of relationship, it's ridiculous. i grew up in a family that loves me greatly and i have really awesome friends, why can't i be satisfied? it does not particularly bother me seeing people in relationships, but i feel that my idea of love is all distorted. i feel like i should read a book about relationships. maybe i should share this with my discipler to ask for her opinion. i guess i haven't thought about this problem in depth for a while, because it's been awhile since i've steeped into drama fantasy. i mean with summer and all the business of this year, it has been awhile.

i need to pray to really get rid of this. i do see how God has given me much grace through the years already. he is slowly freeing me but it's so easy to fall backwards. the realization over the years has not moved me to enough action yet. i no longer remember my freshman year, but God really freed me much last year. this year has been good too, but i'm scared for next year when i live alone and don't have a community to distract me. but maybe that will be a time of true test. to see how much I am seeking after God.

Father, please make me fully satisfied with you. Let me yearn after only You and Your things. You know my struggles. I know they displease you. Bring me to action.


I AM GOING TO CHALLENGE MYSELF. FROM NOW UNTIL DECEMBER, EVERYTIME I HAVE AN URGE TO DESTRESS AND RELAX OR WATCH DRAMA, I WILL PRAY/READ BIBLE/READ GOD'S WORD.
this will be difficult and sometimes when i'm sick of reading, i guess i will have to find another recreation. but seeing how much i have to do, i guess technically it shouldn't be that hard. if God is to be the most important thing in my life, then all my time should be devoted to him, minus the responsibilities that He has given me.

i not only want to rid myself of this addiction. i want to replace God in the center.

procrastination

to be honest, i think that's the story of my life--procrastinating. at least that's what i'm doing every time i decide to blog. this is funny because this post is going to be similar to the last one.
i'm feeling tired lately. really sluggish, like i don't want to do anything. i was reading my friend's blog and she was feeling the same way, so that was encouraging and her conviction to do something spoke to me as well. i really just want to vegetate. i mean i usually feel this way after a year of college, but i think because once i came home, i had to take gres. that's probably why because i never got a rest period. i feel like even now, i'm simply in transition. i am feeling overwhelmed. I really don't want to study any more vocabulary--to be honest, i'm probably just being spoiled. i mean lots of people [in the real world] have to work everyday and they don't complain. or at least, it won't make a difference if they do.
God has blessed me so much this past month, but lately I haven't been wanting to read His word. I have, out of obligation in devotions, but this sluggishness is really getting to me lately [as of two days]. i am someone who really goes up and down in her emotions and i've reallized this. i mean there is good and bad. the bad is that i'm always saying i'm stressed, and so i need to learn to manage that better. on the up side, i get inexpressibly happy and joyful over little events, which is a plus.
i really want to spend more time in prayer and that's been really lacking in my life currently. i know that's what i need and what God wants, but i can't move my butt to do it. i have some Christian books that i have been meaning to read but I don't do that either. i really just want to lie down and have time pass.
i need to overcome this. and not me, i need to learn how to wield God's strength and love to overcome this because if i get over this by my own power this time, it will just resurface later on. controlling my emotions in the sense that they should not be so easily affected by life when it does not go right--pretty much sounds like the story of my life. but i think it's an important lesson to learn as a daughter of God. i need to die to myself and let Him take over and reign over.
God has been teaching me many old lessons this year. things i already knew, but giving me new enlightenment about the reality of applying it and truly understanding its implications. sometimes it sounds childish, but to me, it's an epiphany that i want to share with others.

my prayer: father, make me more humble and selfless like you. i want to do things for your glory, but my self centered nature makes me stop short. change my heart and motivations to be making it about Your glory, especially in the upcoming trip to HK to teach English and throughout the year at UM [and for the rest of my life]. father, give me Your spirit that is peaceful and joyful because of the salvation I have in Heaven. help me give up these worries of mine. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.