push and pull

y'know i've really become a homebody halfway through this program. my myers briggs I levels are probably out of this world now. i was laying in my bed thinking: do i want to go to this event i know is going on tomorrow? not really...that has been my response in the past two weeks and maybe the last month. some of it might be due to the fact that i know i'm only going to be here for three more weeks so in my mind, the logical thing to do is to sit in my room and vegetate because time will pass quicker that way? obviously false. but for some reason, knowing that i'll be going home soon, i just don't want to go out. is it because subconsciously i know that i will be hanging out with people when i get home so i'm hibernating to prepare myself. i don't really think so. so then is it because i'm under the impression that if i stick it out and stay at home, i can get done all that needs to be done early before break begins so that i won't have to worry/think about when break comes? i think some of that is true and it's the common way of thinking in most people. however, i think that only makes sense is if you're trying to finish that work since it could possibly interfere with your break. but my deadlines are all before break, so OBVIOUSLY it's not going to interfere with my actual break.

i think i'm coming to the conclusion that i'm becoming a workaholic. which equates to being a restless person. i'm always fidgeting and used to being productive/have some big project coming up that i need to do. and to be honest, after this three week break, i'm going to be plowing through another half year so this mentality is not exactly wrong. and let's be really honest, i'm probably a workaholic at heart, a little bit. yet at the same time, i can be so extremely lazy and wanting to relax all the time, it's just a dichotomy that doesn't really seem to work yet for some reason it exists in my life. and STEP has somehow made me become more of a workaholic, as in during the break, if i don't have any work, i get antsy and slightly bored and need to DO something. productive that is. i never had that problem before. i could always entertain myself easily with watching dramas or reading mangas. not that those things don't interest me anymore of course. now it's changed to a different nature. watching movies and such has been something i do to procrastinate [though i only procrastinate a little bit now] and more than anything it's to get my mind off things. i think it's because i cannot be STILL. hm, this may be an issue. because that's the whole idea of sabbath. letting go and believing in God to provide for you during that time.

yeah it's been hard for me to sit down and journal/blog since i'm always busy and then when i have "free" time i don't really want to think or write any more since i feel like i'm writing all the time for papers anyways. and i don't feel like reading sometimes because i always have things TO read. which may also be an issue. it's kind of like i want to keep fidgeting to allow time to pass so therefore there is no time to really spend with God wholeheartedly because I cannot sit back and let Him work.

i think i'm also getting anxious now that i'm done with my last paper. and ready to go home.

what else did i want to say before concluding? ah yes being a homebody. yeah i wonder if i've become like this because i am always out so i always savor the moments when i can stay in to "recharge" in a sense since that has always been a necessity in my life. as much as i love people and enjoy being with them, i also need and enjoy me time. i know i'm not completely an introvert because i do enjoy going to school in the mornings and seeing people and socializing with some friends that i've made in the program. maybe what i am trying to avoid is NEW experiences that are not part of my daily routine. because going to church and prayer group, though i do have to prod myself a little, for the most part, it's pretty easy to motivate myself to go. but for outside events that upset my schedule, it's been hard to make time to do it. maybe it just shows my inflexibility. i wonder...

but as i was saying, it might be because i'm out all the time anyways so that may be why. early in the mornings, then i have three hours at home, time to sleep and eat and relax a bit and do hw. then i have class and then four hours at night to do the same. so i'm out normal hours like someone who has a job and goes to work. maybe it's because i have a lot of homework to complete? i just hope that after this program is over, i don't turn completely antisocial. the funny thing is, i'm excited to go home and hit up all my friends that'll be around and hang out with them. i don't mind that that much. it'll be fun and enjoyable to see them and chat for old times' sake. but i am just afraid of meeting new acquaintances because of the energy it takes to converse and think of questions. how sad. i'm like an old person because of this laziness. sigh.

on that note, what i think i need to do is possibly take a small sabbath time and just be with God. it'll probably be fridays since i don't do much work those days.

fulfillment

mark of yet another month again!
i just finished watching 13 going on 30 again. that movie gives me goosebumps and i'm always giddy when i finish the end.

today i was thinking, what is it about this movie that makes me feel so good? it is sort of like a fairytale i guess.

but on contemplating it, i believe something that really strikes me about this movie where other movies lack is the whole innocent love thing. unlike many other movies that i watch, it's not really about the "romance" or the "chase" though of course it's always delightful to watch the two main characters together. but the most lovely part of this movie (especially at the end) is how it comes to full circle. the movie is a bildungsroman, basically a coming-of-age movie. a girl who jumps in time realizes that all the dreams she's ever wished for are materialistic and not really worth it. lucky for her, she gets a second chance at life to choose the one thing that really matters for her. i love the idea that the person she loves the most is the one she has been friends with the longest who always supports her. it's not sexual tension, which many other movies show between the main couple, but it's about friendship and that love is stronger than most. they can depend on each other and are faithful to each other when the times get rough.

though i don't agree with all the messages of this movie, there's one thing this movie shows that is also accurate to the Christian life. how many times do we age and look back on our lives, regretting that we did not embrace the only thing that mattered, the one who has always been there for us and loved us, but we might not have noticed it. for Christians, this is Christ, who is always so faithful to us despite our unfaithfulness and waiting for us, ready to guide us. she's so lucky to relive her life, but for us, we don't get this second chance so we should make the most of all our time living for God before we can regret it. likewise, it's never too late to embrace the love of Christ though we may be remorseful that we did not do it earlier, especially because it gives us an overall greater purpose. i might be stretching it, how this movie can show themes of the Christian life, but i think there is something to this movie that makes people feel so good about it, because she's given this second chance. perhaps this movie's themes also strikes a chord because the idea is universal and it's universality comes from how we are made as God created us. maybe?

regardless this is a good reminder for me to take my Christian life seriously. that Christ is the only thing that really fulfills. it's not going to be other relationships, either friends, family, or romance, or material items. but it's the one who has loved me all along and continues to support me.

haha, it's been one month again

so this the trajectory of my blog in grad school-monthly blog visits. i guess that's not bad considering. i really do enjoy blogging so that's why i even bother. and whenver i blog, i take a peek at my friend's blogs to see how they are doing in their lives. sometimes it's interesting because they'll be like, i don't think anyone reads this anyways, but you never really know who IS reading it right? i think that's why i make my blog public. because people know about it. and though i've been afraid of blogging some things because now i'm in the public realm of teaching and i need to be careful with my words online because i could get sued and lose my job, this internal struggle within me has still whispered that i want to make this blog public still. because what am i really supposed to be afraid of?

anyways, that's a side rant and i'm not really going to talk about that now. maybe the future, but now i need to focus. yesterday, church was awesome. so i'm back home in LI for a week and i am super thankful to God for giving me this week break because it's greatly needed. i love love love my profession and would not trade it for anything else. it gives me so much fulfillment, cognitively and mentally and socially with my students. kind of crazy how God knows me so well xP
but regardless, all the constant readings and writing assignments for school-i definitely needed a break to reconvene with the family, which is always fun, and a little bit mentally. though thanks be to God, i haven't really been stressed, unlike last year.

okay, i need to get to the point already. yesterday, during morning assembly and sunday school, my church invited a speaker from NJ who is now a missionary in China as a counselor for young children. she was a few years older than me, my brother suspects she was his age, and though I did not have a chance to actually talk with her, she has no idea how her words resonated with me. she talked about her life story, her parent's story, and her journey to become a missionary. and God unclouded my eyes to remind me of my heart from back when i was in high school. my heart for missions in China and that is why i decided on this profession in the first place. in fact, her parent's journey of acceptance of this fact is similar to my parents who have went from begrudging to allowing God to do what He wants in my life. the change i've seen in specifically my mom's life and their growing desire for God is an encouragement to me. and similar to this girl, i have faced those same fears which have held me back. China is so dangerous and i'll be all alone. i'm scared of being lonely and not knowing people and my surroundings and worse off, the language-i still cannot speak very well, though i have vastly improved in understanding by some miracle. and like her, i see how God has molded and shaped my life to be the tool He wants to use. the spiritual growth and experiences in undergrad really prepared me to live a godly life and know how to have godly relationships. and now the experience in graduate school of learning the best teaching practices so i can reach out and educate all kinds of children. i can almost see how God is very specific in how He molds me. and more importantly He never gives up on me. He always sends people my way to care for me. i thank Him for the people He's placed in my life to challenge me because He wants me to learn how to evangelize and witness more and more and more. boldness in sharing my faith has always been something i've not been strong in and now I have a mentor who has giftings in this area. God is so amazing in the work He does in my life, it's crazy.

but now i'm being bogged down my thoughts of getting a job and fears. fears of the mission work in China and the difficulties and struggles, though I know there are immense blessings. this is one thing I've been continually confused about and seeking: where does God want me after this year? I feel like I get a desire to work in different ministries with different people so easily that sometimes I cannot discern where God is really calling me. for sure, it is to be a teacher, which is one step towards the goal already I guess, but where exactly? Does He want me in China, a place that I was so convinced to go in high school? Because it's been so many years since then, has my fears overtaken me and cause me to not see clearly about what I really want to do? or my pride even? or does He want me to work with the Asian Americans in the US and reach out to them? like my experiences in interning here. I know there's a great need here and my heart has also been moved to stay and hope to raise up leaders of the next generation to serve in the churches here who have a great need. But like the presenter said, all churches have great needs. so I need to find out where God wants me to go, amidst all these worries of not being able to find a job. i need to be continually praying to ask Him where He has placed me. what is accurate? what is from my sinful nature? what is from You? I need discernment for these things.

one thing that I was reminded of: God is too amazing and He is worth it. He is worth my living for and my everything and I should never lose sight or compensate my time with Him.

so after one day of blogging and saying that one reason why i haven't blogged much is because i haven't had much to say because of the busyness and BANG today God spoke to me. the wonders of doing devotions and deciding to recommit myself in terms of being more faithful to Him--He is really so good.

in the most unexpected of ways of course. God used the Wow Hits 2012 CD worship song to speak to me. which is why i wanted my brother to get me that cd in the first place. i realized even though i just like listening to music for the beats and not really the words, i think slowly i've been changing, especially now that i drive. i really like singing along if i'm alone in the car and it's really an enjoyable time. also God has really used those words to start seeping into my brain so i'm glad that i've made the conscious decision to try listening to Christian music to help focus myself. it's really a nice and enjoyable time with God, a nice break in the busyness of life.

so here's the song that God used today:
song: you are more-artist: tenth avenue north
you are more than the choices that you've made
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes
you are more than the problems you create
you've been remade


cause this is not about what you've done
but what's been done for you
this is not where you've been
but where your brokenness brings you to

the eye opening part was the chorus shown above. i think i was pretty shocked when i thought about the first line that i was singing along to. shocked as in, i did a double take. i was like, did they choose the lyrics correctly? because y'know that's what society and the majority of it is always communicating to us. with all those self help books and whatnot. and though sometimes the ideas in society seem like they are trying to help you and might not be so bad, when you really look at it, at its motivations and focuses, you come to this realization that it makes people delusional about the real truth. so this was kind of a scary moment yet I rejoiced at the same time upon discovering this nugget of misconception that i held in my brain. God was able to reveal truth to me instead. i feel that even in the church possibly, you will hear some people talking about independence and doing the right thing, but in the end, the focus is on you you you. when it should be on God God God. and i think the key part of this song is that it doesn't say that you shouldn't make your own choices and learn from your mistakes. rather, who we are as Christians is much more than just that and we need to remember that. there's a line in the song near the beginning that says "are you in over your head" and i really think that sets the tone for the rest of the words. the song's focus is to remind Christians of the cross of Christ and what He did for us. i think especially growing up in the church, sometimes it can get muddy, serving in the church when my focus becomes unclear and more self righteous than about pleasing and loving God. this is such a good reminder. i think i've been having a very humbling experience here at Stanford with the lack of community. God has been good and provided a wonderful church for me and i have met some really solid Christians. it's really cool though sometimes i would like to get to know them more and spend even more time with them. but I really can see where He is taking care of me throughout. He's given me great master teachers to learn from and I am so blessed with that because it's so important during the student teaching experience. I'm falling deeper in love with teaching and its rigor and i believe that choosing this program was a good decision because i'm learning so much and i agree with so many of its ideologies. of course, I don't want to be brainwashed either in terms of worldliness so I need to stay connected to God. and like I've said before this year is a good test for that. community is important and i am still experiencing some of it, but i also need to develop my relationship with God more. He's always there but I just need to turn to Him and give Him the time of day. though it is refreshing to remember that I am saved by grace and not by anything I do to make myself feel more justified. He must become greater, I must become less.

haven't written in a long time. but not much has been happening also so that's also why.

anyways, a thought that came across my mind today.
i've been really impatient lately with the people around me. for some reason, in the past few days, random things having been popping up-sudden assignments to implement in the next few weeks (normal i guess for this program) but then lots of requests from people to do a favor for them, like carpooling and using my printer. and to be honest, i really haven't had the best attitude. and it shows. it's so obvious. i doubt those people will read this, though if they do i am sincerely sorry. it is such a bad Christian testimony of me. afterall love is supposed to be patient. that's the first describing word in 1 corinthians 13. but that's always been the one i struggled with the most. haha, though i must admit they're all quite a challenge. anyways, i feel like patience is so difficult for me. i wonder if it's growing up in ny and wanting to get things done quickly is a mentality from the East Coast. i also think a bit is my own personality. i have a drive and like things to be done and off my plate so i don't have to think about it anymore, which is very selfish of me actually because sometimes i don't take into consideration other's schedules.

but back to the main idea, i really think God has been testing me. or maybe that's not an accurate statement since I do not know what this testing is towards. i mean i know in the sense that it's for the "greater good" aka it's definitely testing my perseverance in a sense and refining my faith to be steadfast in my attitude and humble even when i am tired. i have learned from this program how weak I really am mentally and in terms of self control. i am so busy and my brain feels like it's always turned on except for when i sleep. i am constantly thinking of teaching. don't get me wrong--i really love it. and the intellectual part of it is awesome, thinking what's the best way to reach my students and how they can most benefit. but it's so tiring because of the addition of the master's program and all the assignments and readings we do. they are pretty useful and i think i'm learning a ton from the program--the only problem is there is no time to rest. no time to stop and reflect. i'm considering picking up a Sabbath again because i really need it. God has been good and i haven't really been that stressed to be honest. just physically exhausted. but i'm turning in my assignments on time and staying on top of everything so far. it helps that my social life is way scaled back, though now i'm just used to it and don't mind it so much. especially since it's just for a year. it's also nice because i always have people from the program to bond with. also my roommates from time to time.

but all in all, this post is about me being a jerk and how i need to stop. i want to embody more of Christ in how i respond to others. i need to have a more willing attitude to help others. but it is so hard with the busyness and tiredness. i am really experiencing the idea that love is not convenient. whatsoever. in fact, that kindness of love in my words is often lacking. i've sort of apologized after the initial =_= and acted preppy afterwards whenever they thanked me trying to make conversation but i want to take away that initial =_=. i need to work on that. rather, i need to spend more time in devotions and let God carry me. He's been really good an faithful to me. it's my turn now.

been meaning to post a few words about this and finally have a bit of time to sit down [i guess also to give updates to people who read this to know about my life?]

i LOVE the church i'm going to. really shows me to not judge a book by its cover or a church by its first service i attend. haha just last sunday, instead of the normal sermon we had prayer time for evangelism/the nation. it was awesome and even more cool to see this kind of activity done in the service of a English congregation of a Chinese church. quite rare really because it's more of a "progressive" thing to do but it's so important and showed me a lot about the visions of the pastors for this church [which i approve of]. their desires so simple-to go out and spread God's word to surrounding community-so biblically based. and they go about it in a practical way too. God has really blessed me every time I have gone away from my home church in LI. He found me a church with really solid pastoral teaching in Michigan and now here there's a great community at this church with a desire to know God more and bring more people into His midst.very different kinds of churches but I respect both pastors and enjoy both churches. really awesome/great stuff. i also attended the first woman's small group [and the second one is going on at this moment-but decided not to go today because it is quite tiring to go on thurs nights with school the next day] it was so good though, the first one, just hearing all the stories of how God reached into the lives of all these different women. I think it was cooler because everyone is older also so I could see the richness of their life and how God has pursued hard after them. it was so cool to see how God works to draw His people near and super encouraging to hear. wonderful stories. i did read the first chapter of the book, which was also really great introduction about the purpose of small groups and i can see that this woman's group is going to have a good year if they start off with this book because it focuses them on the purpose of fellowship in a straightforward way. reading this book also gave me insight into the type of group this would be. i mean with the program and all i am quite busy, so right now i do not have as much time as undergrad to commit to a study this late in the evening that goes on for so long, but if i stay in the area, i might go to this group in the future. only time will tell.

i taught for the full 100 minutes today! it was super fun. you know, i was so nervous in the beginning to start doing segments of teaching because the students are quite old and it was a bit intimidating. but seriously i get an adrenaline rush each time after i instruct. it's like i'm greedy for more. haha. i guess that's a good sign, since it's going to be my life? i just don't want to scar my students, though like they say, your students will always learn SOMETHING in the classroom. because they pick up things so easily, not necessarily academic of course, but they are very observant and are learning many different things in the classroom. as i hone my skills in teaching, once i'm better at that, i'll need to work on how to set up norms and what i think is good behavior for students and appropriate classroom culture. hm, more thoughts on that later. i guess that is one good thing about the program. with all this cutting edge theory and research, it really causes me to think of my own stance on it compared to the daily environment i see at the school. to give me an idea of how to perfect my craft for the best of the students. and though i wasn't the best today, i finally gave instructions to my section of the AP class, which taught me a lot about how the dynamic of that class is and how it is harder than i think to control them. i think next week, for at least two days, i definitely have to do some sort of instruction to keep them on their toes and practice for myself.

idealism

i dislike clashing in ideologies and opinions. even if it's the slightest little detail. and i know i have a tendency to want to be right because i like to fight out my ideas in hopes that i can influence the other person::note: i should change this attitude of mine, because it's not really a rational stubbornness and i need to be more humble and willing to learn from others and listen::

it's not that i disagree with the theories that are being presented. in fact i think i agree with many of the underlying ideas, but maybe sometimes it's the self righteous way in which it's being taught or the definitive way it is being presented, like there is no other option, which i do not necessarily agree with. also many of what is presented is exactly as i stated in the title, it's idealism. they sound all nice, but to really put all these ideas into practice is really hard because it's really changing the way you think. but maybe that's not the goal of the program. maybe simply they are trying to have a slight influence on you to get you thinking in different ways, which i definitely am doing from all the classes i've taken. and even in today's class, long as it was because of its repetitive nature, i do think [and am glad to hear that there is good research backing it up] that groupwork is important because it helps participation which reinforces the learning for students. i'm all for it in terms of personal experience of successful groupwork. and i agree with the overarching idea: it's all about the students. it really is and everything that is taught points to that. but sometimes i feel that it can go to one extremity, which may be dangerous. when things get to pc, to the point where you have to be careful of everything you say because you are perpetuating some negative stereotype or societal norm, that's what bothers me. how can we communicate at all in that case? i know we shouldn't be too careless because we only say out of our mouths what we think inside our hearts. but still. there is no final answer but it is a continual discussion. yes there is much we do not see so we should not assume of our students, or in my case, i usually assume the best. and i guess i can see how people who have been teaching for a long time and have seen lots of different students, how they can become disillusioned by the activity and attitudes of certain students. so maybe you shouldn't say "oh he doesn't try/" because you will never really know and that's a bad judgment to make. sigh it's so tiring though just needing to be so precise about what you say all the time. and in the real world with other professionals, that's not going to be the case. isn't the more important thing: well let's say he is unmotivated, well that doesn't mean we give up on him. that's the approach i prefer more. not to worry so much about semantics, but the fact remains that your attitude is still to help the student.

i've learned some precious lessons while being at home. now it's time to start executing them. no more laziness and wallowing in my own sins. it's time to move forward and toward God.

prayer.

procrastination by the sick lady

i guess i shouldn't say sick, i have a cold. i have always been accustomed to say sick though no matter how I feel, if it's not the normal. but some people believe that sick is only when you have a serious illness. ::shrugs:: i am so casual with the use of words, it's kind of funny, since i'm going to be an English teacher. well technically speaking, English words are a social construction right? so if i explain myself to you [or just not care how you interpret me] i should be okay? haha.

so this isn't going to be a super serious post but it's for all you ladies out there [which i think is everyone who reads my blog..HAH] and to give you something to be entertained by:
yesterday i was watching drama [no surprise there] and basically it's action, specifically wuxia, for those of you who know/care. so the girl character is like super awesome, though in all honesty, i usually love the main girl characters no matter what they're like, just cuz i'm conditioned this way. i seriously am the "prime" audience group that television caters to, i just feed off everything they tell me. anyways, back to the point. this girl is super awesome cuz she's sassy and AWESOME at martial arts, so she is never the damsel in distress, at least no more than her other group mates. which is nice, because i do get frustrated in wuxia series when the girl can't fight and the guy is always saving her butt/she is always in the way. this girl, for the most part, can take care of herself just fine, though of course the main male character is better than her. we're not going to go into that though.

anyways, as i was skimming the episodes for some romance [HAH], it was interesting to see this girl character become more....girly? haha, some are really gnna hate that stereotype, but roll with me for a bit. i mean, she didn't become weak or whatnot, but as she started to like the guy, she would become more emotional, easily angered because the guy didn't take care of himself. frankly, he needed to hear parts of what she was saying, since no man is an island [haha, going back to the first paragraph a little bit about social constructions, xP]

the main point that i'm trying to get to though, is at one point, [she's this really awesome thief] her team needs her to steal a cricket. i know, sounds stupid, but let's focus here. so she REALLy hates bugs because when she was younger she swallowed one, which is just hilarious, but she puts her foot down and refuses. the main guy is like why? you're the only one who is skilled enough to do this. she doesn't care and refuses. as she's leaving, the main guy pleads with her saying that he seriously needs her help. then this is what happens:
girl: am i really that important? that you can't finish this mission without me?
main guy: yes.
girl: [scoffs] well it seems like you're the only one that thinks that.
main guy nudges the two other guys on the team, who eagerly nods and says: "yeah, you're essential, we need you, etc."
she smiles and says, "what are you waiting for? let's go."

so this scene CRACKED me up. she never told the guys in the first place why she was so against it. and what's great is that the guys attribute it to her "being female". it's funny because i think i act the same way. when i'm mad or feeling a certain way, and my brother asks me what's wrong, i never explain myself. no wonder guys think we're complicated, ladies. we don't tell them because we want them to "figure it out" on their own, as if they could read our minds. so i shouldnt generalize, since maybe most females aren't like this, though i know i am. i just thought it was funny because i literally saw myself in her. for some reason, not wanting to explain the problem might have something to do with wanting the guy to be able to understand us, because they really "know" us. that's probably pretty stupid way of thinking. especially since i'm all about communication. though i guess it's true not to fight with an angry girl. haha, must be because i'm so irrational.

so i don't want to offend any ladies, since i only have my experience to back up on. and this is a touchy topic. but i thought i should share the irony of it all with you. and you can think about it in the future if it ever happens with you. the other great part is how the guys in the drama were TOTALLY whipped by the girl. haha, needing to please her and make her feel needed so she would do something for them. i don't really think i have these tendencies, maybe i do. but it sure was funny.

here's to my teenage self still: ruminations.

i wish my feelings were less complex. i wish i was more normal. i wish i didn't care so much about my social life. i wish i could just make a decision between my E or I tendencies. other people do. no one rolls around in her bed like i do thinking about these useless things that take up my mind and time. it's so worthless. thank goodness i only frustrate on sundays about this because i have other work to do. being perfectly happy alone. what is correct? what am i conjuring up in my own mind? what is the truth and what is fake? what am i misconstruing as truth? my feelings-how important are they [not very i think since they're subject on their own whims] i wish i could be completely rational. why do i mull over things, like a teenager? why do i ruminate for the longest periods of time about things that probably don't really matter in light of the gospel. my head is spinning, partially because i'm recovering from the cold, but the added stress is definitely not gnna help me get better.
the thing is i'm so overwhelmingly blessed and loved by God that i know i'm just being a brat now. what more can i ask for? how can i change my thinking? what is the way You want me to deal with this? can You make it more clear? instead of having to deal with it every week? do you want me to contemplate it?

i think i'm getting over the Bible study situation. now i'm going to start talking vaguely. so during college, there was the same situation and feelings to be honest. not fitting in completely and feeling awkward but being able to push myself despite. sometimes i hate who i am. how everything is so black and white in my mind. other people don't have these immensely guilty feelings that hang over them, do they? with every action, do they contemplate over and over the ramifications?so this could be negative or positive. positively, reflection is good and it really helps me grow as i look at myself and to ask the Spirit to improve who i am. i need to learn to deal with this character trait positively. i also need to ask God to deal with it for me, because obviously i'm not doing a good job. and also i can't do it on my own [another flaw of mine of thinking i can do it] i was always overjoyed when i could escape into not going. but i usually pushed myself. come to think of it, i didn't go to afteractivities either. let me think--yeah i could be construed as antisocial. is this actually a tendency? i think of myself as rather friendly but maybe i need to recritique. in the beginning i dreaded going and i still went, as i do now. would i socialize during and after? sometimes and i often just got up and left. only after awhile when i got accustomed did i start integrating. maybe that was after the first year. i always wanted to go with someone. i guess this is a trend. haha, whoops. maybe i was lying to myself. well i guess it's good to realize it now. i think i need to learn to be content and find the place that God wants me. i don't think that what i'm doing is necessarily correct either.
--interject--wow God answers prayers.
was this an indirect way of telling me that i should socialize more? and be proactive? i failed in the past, but it's never too late is it? i hope not. but another thing is i should not care too much about what others think of me, rather that the Creator loves me. i think i do need to find a balance. that i should not beat myself up afterwards and waste precious time. that i need to be compelled by the Spirit and given the strength to do the necessity. fellowship, prayer? check. church? check. what about Bible study? still working on it. will continue to contemplate on a natural basis. i am not a single island. let me have another go at it. might be hard to do during the week with the really busy schedule. maybe not LG on fridays since that's kind of the same as sermons i feel like. maybe thurs nights? maybe i can try it. i'm gnna start praying about this and see what God says. as for the above, He has definitely answered about what to do after.

lesson to learn: to be more social/friendly and less afraid and be willing to go up to others and say hi and somehow make conversation. ask for strength from the spirit. i really need that help. it's always hard in the beginning but i need to take some sort of initiative i believe. i will try harder. i will try harder. God give me strength and take away my anxieties. i overthink too much. let me be more comfortable.

gosh, i'm just so frustrated today. not even sure why. i really need the spirit of peace and to meditate on the Lord's words daily. and i don't feel like talking with people. no wonder i just hibernate all weekend.

super happy today

firstly, let's talk about the sermon:
this pastor is actually a little similar to my AACCC one, except maybe the Bible passages are a bit shorter. however, we're reading through Galatians which i love and the pastor gave some background to what was going on and that little piece of information helped me understand it a ton better, even though the wording was pretty self explanatory, but not knowing the context and hearing it in laymen's terms is really different. he moved quickly to the application and God spoke to me through it. the passage was about falling away. very apt since this is something i've been thinking about for a while. and in the midst of this sermon, i heard God's voice telling me to calm down. i'd been so hyped up about not having a Christian community here like back in Ann Arbor, and being scared of falling away from Him because i lacked that accountability. and today, God told me to leave it up to Him. i think because i'm so used to DOING, that sometimes i really forget to just enjoy His presence. and since the way I came to Christ is not as conventional as others, sometimes i feel like i have not experienced this joy in full. but that's a whole other story to write about. anyways, i was once again convicted of my attitude that i always need to be doing/serving Him when in reality, God's grace is sufficient for me. this is something I've been really experiencing in these two weeks. God will cover my sins up. and He does not want to let me go. so I need to stop being so afraid, because it's hindering me from fulfilling greater purposes, when i keep hesitating or thinking/wasting time. my salvation cannot be earned, because it only comes from Jesus. and I have already accepted it. so maybe this year, God is asking me to sit back and watch Him. ironically, without my close knit community, i'm still feeling tied together with God and i've been remembering to do my devos which is not always the case when i'm in community. so God is good. all the time.
i was reminded of one thing today tho. i want to commit my life everyday to Christ. like the pastor said, it's not a one time commitment and i think in order to orient my mind to the correct thinking, i want to surrender myself to Him everyday. things are not in my control and i may not be always pleased with it. i may even be confused. but I want to live like Christ and be a light to the world.

so i'm happy because God spoke to my direct fears today and dispelled them. i need to be careful now that i don't go too lax. but He's giving me strength. i'm starting to recognize the roads a bit and that's such a praise to God too considering my limited driving skills. He's really protected me on teh roads and parking. there are many times i feel like i could have met with bad accidents. i am learning more about multitasking as i drive. not that i'm talking, but i mean looking around at my surroundings and anticipating mistakes. i think it was good to get a car to gain these experiences because if i plan to stay in the US i need to drive. plus it's so much more convenient and it's nice to get off campus once in a while. i'm really grateful to it. i had a good time with STEP people yesterday too, just eating and buying groceries.

i think what i'm really happy about is that I see God is answering my prayer requests. about Christian community mainly. i was unsure about the church, but He confirmed today for me that i'm in a good place. that I do not need to worry so much about planning ahead and going to what. i do want to grow more and more in Him. i am glad for weekends.

mhm, visited another church and the topic was on humility.

the pastor used a lot references to historical knowledge about the Roman times. but the ending was what caught me. he questioned how many of us were concerned often about what we wear in front of others and what we say, and that's when God opened my eyes to realize just how pride has infiltrated throughout my life, without my even noticing. i have always known that i had an issue with being prideful, some of it resulting from growing up in a Christian family and serving. the more knowledge it seems that i gain or the more practical wisdom that works out, the more prideful i become.

the past retreat i went to, i was reminded to empty myself and my thoughts, the ones I had of God. He is not bound by my conceptions of Him. there is so much to know about Him that I should not be prideful. rather, He continually breaks past barriers I had concerning my concept of who I thought Him to be. understanding is coming slowly, not only in a theological sense, but in every practical aspect concerning life, most recently that of how to be a Christian teacher in a world that is hostile to expressing your religion.

i am a lot about knowledge and knowing more. which is funny because i don't consider myself an intellectual really. but i guess maybe i thirst for knowing more, which would make sense since our search for meaning and purpose is something God instilled in us. however, that also inhibits me in a sense. for example, in trying to find a church with an ideal message, i miss the idea of what a sermon is supposed to be. it is selfish of me to think that the sermon is meant to serve my own purposes. rather, sermons are a message by God to His church and it's specific to what the church needs to hear/how they need to grow. this was an idea that my dad introduced to me, but I had never seen it that way before. on the contrary, Sunday school, as is indicated by its title, is the more strict Bible study. these concepts I'm slowly beginning to understand and resonate with.

nyways, back to my thoughts from the sermon today. my self consciousness of what people think of me and how i present myself is a subconscious idea that i don't actively think about but sometimes it colors my other thoughts which shows my underlying assumptions/feelings. i don't know if that makes sense, but i kind of understand what i mean. haha. my obsession with presenting myself in a certain way or concerns about how others judge are all related to pride. i have a "reputation" that i want others to see. however, Jesus advocates for humility in a society that resented it. and I am God's child so I should also have similar mindset.

God, help rid my inner thoughts of wanting to look good in front of others. You know how nervous I can be because I am vain. Father, I will be helping out in the classroom this coming Monday. Please help me to take my eyes off of myself and fix them on You and what Your will is. Give me Your love for the children, and let me not be afraid of making mistakes, but be willing to learn and hear criticism from others. Let me learn to take the criticism graciously because it will help me in the end. Let me be able to discern what is from You and what is from the world. Father, You know when I have wrong motives. Please change my heart. I can't do anything about them, but I confess them to You and ask for Your forgiveness when I do things for the wrong purposes. Thank You for Your grace that is sufficient to cover all my sins. In Jesus' name, Amen.

musings upon being at stanford for the first week

I realized how weak I was today. Not being able to muster up courage to go to an event alone. It's always been difficult for me, but arriving and not attending sort of just crushed me. I was so ashamed. How could I be so afraid to enter an environment where I don't know anyone. It's not like I never did it during undergrad, although back then it was also hard when I was alone. But everyone goes through those situations. Perhaps I should not view this embarassment/failure as so significant though, because of the waste of time it is. I was also scared because it seemed like an opportunity and that maybe God wanted me to go as well. But my dad reminded me of the importance to not so easily talk about His confirmation. Would a social event really change anything? I would meet people and talk with them and socialize and talk about surfacy things for the most part. But I've been socializing a lot this past week in my program. It's enjoyable but I'm tired. Why is it that I'm so rushed to build up rapport right away? The group should always be welcoming to others and if we click, it'll be no big deal.

But I see that there are parts of my heart that I need to deal with, in the past few days. Just from the way I feel inside. A lot of it is my immaturity. To fuss over minor details as such has always been a weakness that is not worth the time. Has a lot to do with the I/E nature I have, which is frustrating. I wish I could just make decisions easier without being so concerned with whether they are right or not. If I have the right motives, God's grace will cover the rest.

God, You know I was afraid. I stood there and wanted to cry. I'm really sorry and I want to repent. For my weaknesses. Thank You for having grace sufficient enough to cover me. My ashamed nature and not being able to admit, I really need to come back to You. Please reveal Yourself to me in Your word. Give me the principles I need to do the work You have set out for me. I need to refocus. Amen.

I'm glad to have met people that I click with. And I'm glad to start in schools soon and have a packed schedule. I'm glad for healthy exercising that my body can still sustain, which I want to continue. I'm glad for parents who love and listen to me. I need to get rid of misconceptions. I have a hurried nature for everything to be picture perfect. And life is going well in many aspects.

I'm scared of falling away, I want to stick close with YOu. I need to do my part. I need to go deeper in Your word and obeying it and praying and liftng up my burdens to You. Refocus.

Fellowships cannot give me the answers I seek. Close Christian relationships may not always be in store for me in your plans. Seeing how You work in different people's lives is always amazing and encouraging. Having sisters pray for me is uplifting. You have provided many.

there is much to post and update, but might have to do so later in the week.

hebrews 4: on sabbath rest
verse 11
today, i was seeking for some new knowledge about the Lord in His word, so hopefully this is something from the Spirit. I was thinking about the logic behind this verse. there is evidently a lot of theology and old testament stuff going on behind the scenes in hebrews, so sometimes i have trouble understanding it fully because i'm out of context and the author does not explain in detail since it's expected that the one reading should know. however, looking at the construction of this verse, i realized that the rest to which this passage refers to is one that Christians receive when we are obedient. it says that the jews in the past fell away from God and His rest and were not able to enter it because of their disobedience to following after God, as we know from their wandering in the desert.

this means that the rest that God speaks of is not traditionally what i have always thought it to be--relaxing and taking a break from work. or rather, i should say, it's more than that. by being obedient to God, i'm learning to trust Him even when I'm uncertain about what He has to do. and that is the true rest because i should have no more worries and anxiety when all is placed in HIs perfect hands that know what to do.

Hebrew 2--The meaning of freedom

In an earlier post, I talked about the retreat and singing the song "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" I also talked about how I did not really come to understand the full meaning of the song yet. Today, upon reading Hebrews, I was awakened to the sense of how Christ DID free us by coming into this earth, becoming a human and suffering the same things as we did. In his humanity, we were freed from our bondage to death. And that reminded me of my childhood. And how I cam to Christ in the first place. Because I was so young, I do not think I completely understood what it meant to pick up my cross and carry Christ. But God was so good to me and never gave up on me, but kept pursuing me. Sometimes I feel I am so blessed that way and I do not know why. I guess it's all the more reason for me to plead Him to save my friends and those I love in prayer and to use my whole life to serve Him with my all. Anyways, what drove me to Christ first, was my fear of death. I was scared of death and what would happen afterwards and my mom led me to Christ that night. I remember because I was in bed, unable to fall asleep and rolling around for awhile. But after that prayer, my heart felt an overwhelming sense of peace. It was so great. I knew I would see my parents whom I loved in Heaven. I guess that reason alone was my motive to becoming a Christian, but God has changed my heart and showed me how He can bless me and fulfill me. But in verse 15, I was reminded by the joy I should have in the fact that Jesus has set me free from normal human fears. And I recognize this as I go though life facing struggles because I always have Him next to me to remind me of my true purpose and how my anxieties are nothing in comparison. Also, because of Christ, who faced the human temptations on earth and so know how to counsel us through them, I do not have to be afrad of failure because I have Him interceding and helping me.

to be remembered

1. theory::the reason for my overly anxious nature: i like to plan in advance and for the future, which is good in a sense of being prepared. but because of this, there are many things that accumulate in my mind since i am trying to take care of all the details. as a result, i become overwhelmed with both tasks in advance and immediate ones. however, the greater problem that lies at hand is that i'm not trusting God and His sovereignty. He is in control all the time and will work through what I fail. yes, i should plan because this is how God made me and He is pleased with it. but I am taking it too far and letting it get the best of me. instead, after i have put in the effort and time, i need to leave the rest up to God. i cannot control the outcome of everything so this is very much related to my other struggle of savior complex/being success oriented and wanting to see results. this is a product of society that i have learned, and it's not that it isn't good, it's just that taken to the extreme, it no longer glorifies God.

2. pride-something to watch out for. only will increase as i become a christian for a longer and longer time. it's about the heart and motives of which you view someone else. if you want to help them and encourage them, it's good. but often times, the slightest twist will make it not good.

3. how can you love and show Christ's love without taking risks in relationships? it's impossible. yes, it's slightly dangerous to go out there sometimes. of course, we also need to be smart, not completely naiive but God will also protect us when we lack the wisdom if our heart intentions are good. this is the issue of how to help those on the streets that you do not really know. Lord, give me your eyes to see the broken hearted and give me your compassionate heart that yearns to love and take care of them. let me be wise about how to do this in a way that truly helps them.

introverting

i feel like my "I" has gone up lately. maybe it's because i'm at home and i'm used to lounging around and doing nothing. i do enjoy hanging out with people when i'm with them but the thought itself is too much for me. and lately i've been realizing that i can only spend so much time with people. am i getting sick of people? or maybe there's just not enough of God. because I come to work so early in the morning, sometimes it makes it hard to do devotions, and that kind of messes me up. maybe what i'm missing is God's presence and good Sabbath-like rest. haha, i'm feeling kind of moody right now too-but that's kind of how i've been lately. too lazy to respond to emails and fb sometimes but i do push myself a bit to do it. it's only going to get harder. now that i've left michigan and trying to keep in touch with all the good friends i had there. i mean i know it's just like this in the beginning with everyone. keeping in touch is not really my specialty though i've made great effort. i mean once i start school, i'll be way busy and also making new friends so the other times may be limited. altho, knowing me i always have time. but i do need to rest and recuperate, be it through relaxation time but also mainly through restoration by the Father. it's so bad though, or at least i feel terrible. either when i don't answer texts by my friends because i know they need me to [there goes my savior complex] i genuinely love and care for them and want to help them, but sometimes when i'm tired and even just slothful, i don't want to do it. yeah, i probably need to spend more time with God. but yeah, lately, even being with people is sometimes stretching for me. i know i'm a people person and time is my love language, so to me it's super important to spend quality conversational time with people to show i love them, but also because i believe it satisfies some sort of need in me. altho that innate need may need to be filled with God first. i really need to learn how to balance this social thing without feeling lonely inside. not that i've been feeling lonely, but having a personality that does not want to miss out on anything, sometimes it's extremely difficult to peel myself away from people or say no to hanging out and talking. haha, i have no trouble being stubborn about moral values but when it comes to chilling with others, especially those i care about, it is so much harder. i want to hear them out because i enjoy it and hopefully it shows them i care. because i do. yeah but i'm getting tired of having to come up with all the question and being around people for too long. good thing i have my own room next year. i hope i don't introvert too much though because i am sort of scared of that. i need to find a balance. one that God is pleased with since that will be most satisfactory to me. yeah but it's so bad that sometimes i just need silence and rest and when people talk on and on to me and i give them hints that i'm uninterested, i feel bad because it's super rude, which it is. so i should not expose myself to that environment of others in the first place. if it's truly just a social event that i don't have responsibility for, i should not go if i'm going to be a party pooper. however, if i have to go and socialize because it's part of responsibility, ie like when i teach later on, i can't act based on my emotions and whims because that's hurtful to others. i need to be mature. so i need more of God in me and to spend more time with Him restoring.

conclusion: it's good i won't be as involved in a fellowship next year. i have talked with my parents about this and we have agreed that finding my own age group is advisable in terms of sharing and learning together and really finding a good community, but i don't want to surround myself with people like in undergrad. altho i guess that's a false statement, because i'm always somewhat of a loner/homebody. it's in my personality. haha.

where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom

retreat realizations in spurts:
i need to set aside my pride. and realize that it is only God who revealed Himself to me, it's by His grace alone that I have come to known Him. I am no better than the next.

God cares more about my heart than my wisdom and actions. being a T and practical, sometimes I focus on the results too much, and though it is important, at times I may be living in a way that I lose sight of what God cares about. He honored my heart when I wholeheartedly decided to serve Him with my life and profession. He showed me clearly the way and the path for me so I did not need to be confused and gave me a passion to reach out and love others. in everything I do, in every situation I approach, let me come before the throne of God, thirsty to serve Him with all my heart because nothing else is worth it. It is all to His glory.
where does my heart and motives lie? lots of confession to be had and asking the Lord to change from the inside.

as much as i want to join a church where there are people in the same life stage as me, some of this is stemming from selfish reasons that I am ashamed of. God, purify my heart and show me where is the place you have for me. A place to grow more as well as serve you, which is an honor and privilege you have given me. more than anything, a church where Your people are following after You and seeking you more, but are also humble is a place of community that I am looking for.

i need to let God in to that innermost place of my heart that only He can fulfill. for some reason I keep holding it back and I'm being stubborn. but I know that blessings He wants to pour out on me is unlike any I've experienced. I should not keep resisting.

it says in the Word that if we know the truth the truth will set us free. this is an interesting concept. have i ever felt this in my heart? sometimes growing up in a Christian home makes it hard because i've always had this head knowledge, and not saying that isn't good, because it has helped me grow in understanding and God has used it for His purpose. but when we were singing that song in the retreat and people were so happy and dancing around, sometimes I feel like I have not experienced that side of faith yet. there is inexplicable joy in my heart as God reveals Himself to me, but have I really been set free by the truth I know from my past and what I know of society? have I really let God's truth been at work in my life? because it's supposed to free me from any standards and misconceptions Satan has grown in my head. food for thought.

Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs,...

...that it may benefit those who listen."

summer has been good so far and that's the response i've given to the majority who have asked me. it's not been super eventful or anything but it's been productive in a nonstressful way. i would say this mantra kind of describes it: slow and steady wins the race. haha, maybe i just made it all the more confusing to understand. but yeah, it's been nice unpacking most of my college stuff, studying for exams, playing piano for church, shopping/getting ready for clothes for work. i've also been going to work and helping out at the office which is nice because my parents are willing to pay me, and normally, like last summer, i resisted because UM tuition costs so much and i don't do too much at work anyways. but since i won't have a job this upcoming year because i'll be so busy, it'll be nice to earn some pocket money so i don't have to keep asking my parents next year. they are paying for dorms and tuition and stuff, but i'll still pay for groceries and probably books. it was interesting calculating all the loans i'll be getting so my parents don't have to be obligated to pay.

but besides all that technical rambling, some thoughts that arose in my mind this past sunday. i realized how even at this stage, there are times where i find my self worth in how others value me as a friend. when i feel that an individual is not valuing my friendship, i am offended but also very hurt. i think this is one of the few things that really affects my mind for a bit. i am really blessed becuase i do have a family that loves me very much and it is very obvious to me. they are also very supportive in many of the things that i decide, so i should be well satisfied, but as a sinful human being, the reality is that at my core, i have this desire to be considered important by my friends. this is something i've also struggled with in high school and i feel that this desire of mine has also corrupted other areas of thinking i have in my life. however, this Sunday, God revealed to me that just as what i wrote about being a daughter of God and not letting your expectations for your husband consume you, i realized that i was placing expectations upon my friends, in a sense. i feel valued when my friends want to spend time with me and they initiate. i feel valued when they tell me about their lives becuase they trust me. i want to be sought out. i think this is interesting because it says a lot about my personality. at the same time, I know God is telling me that I need to throw away these misconceptions and desires and learn to embrace Him. He wants me, all of me. He died a most painful death just so He could be closer to me, physically and emotionally. Yet I treat Him like crap with the time I commit to Him and how I live sometimes. The way that I would not want to be treated by my friends, sometimes that's how I treat God--I take Him for granted. I know He's good and powerful and loving, but sometimes I just do not let Him satisfy and fulfill me in every way because I'm withholding my desires from Him. so in the end, it is a matter of priorities. I need to spend more time with God and be filled with His love, so that when my friends fail me and disappoint me, I won't feel that way. instead I will realize that they are simply humans and have their own faults. they may not be careful with what they say at times but it's also the fact that they are empty themselves and need the Lord. I need to learn how to support others in spite of how they hurt me because it's not wholly their fault. I need to love God more and let Him fill me up every day with His UNCONDITIONAL love.

the other thing i realized that i needed to control from last week were my emotional angry outbursts. not many people are usually subject to this, except for my immediate family. and i feel that's a result of living together too long and knowing each other well. also, it's a part of my sinful nature as well because there are some values I have that I so stubbornly hold onto sometimes but the thing is, they are negotiable. it's not a salvation issue or a commandment by the Lord. for me and many other college students, i believe, there is friction between parents and children because of the desire of independence and wanting to be your own person. altho if one thinks about it, this is technically not a very Christian ideal, right? Christians are taught to build each other up with their words becuase we are a community. we disciple and try to guide each other as well as keep each other accountable. in fact, the early church would pool together their resources and many and give to others who were needed. we are called to do that still today. there are financial trouble within some churches that need help. there's tithing. nyways, i am thankful for my parents who have to put up with my angry outbursts. this has always been a problem of mine ever since i was young. my temper has gotten a lot better, but i think that usually when i get anxious or stressed or overwhelmed, i will outburst very quickly and easily, but to tell the truth, although that's helpful for me to get it out as soon as possible, it's hurtful, especially to my mom. she feels that i don't respect her, which i know grieves her and makes me sad because i do very much love her. but to her actions speak louder than words sometimes. so i really need to let God come and change my heart. i haven't been praying much about it, but patience is soemthing that i need to learn and i also need to not get stressed over every single little thing, bringing to my next point.

something we talked about in sunday school last week was how as Christians we need to renew our minds about the value of work. this really struck a chord in me. i've always been a pretty thorough worker, which causes me NOT to want to work because i can't start it and do it halfway. so i'd rather not start. i guess that's where a mix of slothfulness comes into my life, which sometimes is necessary, but i think it's necessary that i learn how to balance between work and relaxation. however, i was challenged this sunday school to think of work in a positive light. the speaker mentioned how God commanded us to work hard BEFORE the fall. so work is considered good in His eyes. Adam was to take care of the garden. it was not suppose to be a chore, but something meaningful and enjoyable in the process. similarly many times we view work dreadfully, as can be seen by many people who go to a 9-5 job. but in interacting with waitresses and salespeople, wow, what a big difference it can make with a positive and upbeat attitude. my mom and i have always talked about this when we would meet a waiter. my mom brought it to my attention, as a matter of fact. by being optimistic, the waiter becomes happier themselves and also makes the people they interact with happy. in the same way, i will be in the social sphere and my actions and facial expressions could really influence those i teach. i want to be a positive example, to be energetic so everyone could enjoy the time they are in school. i could always go home and relax afterwards, so what's the point in putting on a mopey face at work to make everyone around you feel more down. and don't forget: our work becomes an offering and sacrifice for God--for me this is an essential reminder because it's not for others that we work. if that's the case, when people fail us, we'll be utterly disappointed and want to quit right away. but God never fails us. in fact, all the things He's done for us would be impossible to comprehend humanly. so i need to enter into work positively and stop using words like i'm so stressed out all the time.

conclusions:
I need to pray LOTS AND LOTS more.
why? prayer is time spent with God=energy to do work, to love others well, to be fulfilled by my Savior and I will be able to change and transform and be more like Jesus.
in particular: i need to prepare my heart for the retreat that's coming up. i have been consumed with doing other things throughout the week that i totally forgot about the whole purpose of the retreat. initially i said i was going to go because two of my friends from my home church asked me if i was going and i thought since i was only at home for a limited time it would be good to spend with them. but i think i should also view this retreat as one to prepare me for my upcoming work in Stanford. although not many peers are going with me and i won't be staying in a room with my friends, I really should pray and ask God to show me what HIs plans are for me this retreat.

being a daughter of Christ--post on marriage.

wow, i just read an incredibly enlightening blog post about life after marriage. it was on kelly needham's blog. i hope she doesn't mind if i link it: http://kellyneedham.wordpress.com/2010/05/07/life-after-marriage/

anyways, i wanted to blog out my thoughts in response to this year old post. she says some very wise statements and in fact, many of the things she talks about and how she feels is exactly how i feel, except for the fact that i've never been in a relationship. for the past few blog posts, it seems that romantic relationships has been a frequent topic on my mind. in my defense, i don't really think about it all that often when i'm alone/with people. it's only when i blog and start reevaluating about my life and thinking. but i think just now, God reminded me of my first resolve, concerning this area. at one point in my life, God had hinted to me that until i was completely satisfied with having just Him, He would never give me this romantic relationship. and to be honest, that's probably one of the smartest decisions He's made concerning my life. i have told some people [that i think will understand] this pattern of thinking, but not many because sometimes it can sound like a cop out. but after reading kelly's blogpost, and realizing how similar our struggles are, i was enlightened that God has blessed me by holding off in this area from me. reading her post made me realize how easy it is to make romantic relationships your idol. she wrote about how she felt insecure/jealous seeing her husband become popular and getting autographs with other girls and whatnot, and to be honest, i totally understand this view. in fact, jealousy is one of my favorite things to watch in dramas, because it's oh-so-romantic. but i've slowly begun to realize, as of late, how possessive it can be and distrusting if taken too far. and this post, where the author was a Christian woman after God's heart, opened my eyes and convicted my heart. haha, it affirmed me that i was not crazy in my way of thinking, because someone else out there with experiences was telling her story and i could relate very well. she directly addressed this issue and said that she had forgotten that her first identity was as a daughter of God. i had never thought of it in that way, but she is so right. if we are filled with God's love and if we find our identity in Him, we would not be seeking fulfillment from our husbands. and we really should not be seeking that from them anyways. we are all imperfect people and setting such high standards and requirements of another person is not fair to them because it's impossible. that's why Jesus had to come to die for us. i have never thought about it in this way. i knew that God was growing me to get ready to do His missions work and He was preparing me for a relationship, but a slight part of me was still anxious and it's probably gotten worse as the years have gone by.

she painted a picture for me of what a healthy marriage relationship should look like. marriage is a blessing and gift that God gives us, but we should never hold it in such high regard that we lose sight of the Giver Himself. marriage is something God created so He could draw us even nearer to Himself. so we could understand Him more and grow in our relationship with Him. we are partners with our marriage partner. only when we are filled with the love of Christ, can we give it to others and can we focus on doing His work. moreover, with the love of Christ, when our husbands fail in loving us, we can encourage them rather than jumping down their throats for not fulfilling a standard that we have given them. this is a beautiful and accurate picture that God has revealed to me through the blog post.

i really need to keep polishing my mind and refreshing it with Scripture so Satan cannot attack me with thoughts that are not from the truth. it's easy to tumble through thoughts about this issue especially when i can be such a hopeless romantic.

another blog post from from her blog, the first one i read, was about her feelings when she was waiting on God for a husband, but after a while, she realized that she was waiting in the wrong way. waiting, in the sense that she was doing, showed that she did not really care about relationship with God but that she was simply trying to get some benefit from Him. yes, i know words and logistics and all, but bear with me here so we don't have to argue all night about unedifying semantics. her major point from this post was about how God is our first love and we should not forget that. the reason why we long to be loved and in such passionate relationships is because that hole can only be fulfilled by God alone. and we look to fulfill this in other ways. yes, this is something you may have heard many times, but for me, the way she put it made much sense. why i have particular longings for such things. i know we are all made differently but it helped me seeing things from this angle. i need to learn how to fall in love with God, for who He is, not just to obey and please Him. this will be difficult concept for me, but i will just pray to ask God for help.

conclusions: -i need to be filled with the love of Christ first and foremost, to find my fulfillment in Him. I also need to learn how to fall in love with Him, as my Husband.

just came back from bible quizzing retreat this weekend.
a thought ran through my mind yesterday that i told myself i must write down, but i'm not sure what it was, so this will be an attempt to reconjure it up since i know that i need to record it down.

it was really awesome seeing so many alumni quizzers gathered together. i do believe that God has given me a more sociable heart in a sense. a heart that is less afraid of befriending those outside of my own friends. when i was younger, i was pretty cliquish/clingy, i believe. not really wanting to go outside of my comfort zone of friends and talking with others, whether it be those from other churches or parents. i don't mind that so much now, although there are still times where i feel awkward standing around. it's not that i necessarily don't want to engage, but sometimes i feel strange interrupting a group of people i barely know. if it's individuals, it can be easier.

but anyways, it was good to see all old quizzers and funny because it was not like we were ever really close or anything, but something about having participated in bible quizzing together just made us feel at home with each other and like family, even though we did not know anything about each other's lives. it was cool to see each other still following so wholeheartedly after God. we gathered together to have prayer and quick sharing time, and i was really thankful for that suggestion because it was such a blessing to me. the community of Christians is really interesting because you always have something in common. God! and we know he pervades into every area of life. so in that case, you can really talk about anything. what was interesting is i did not realize how much older everyone was than me. most were at least three or four years older than me! it was cool that we could converse like normal. in that sense, i feel God has changed me a bit. or maybe He hasn't and i have always been like this, according to others. but it's easier to be friendlier to others now and just talk about stuff. sometimes i wish i was a bit more natural at it, because i can come up with lots of questions, but i always love it when a conversation just takes up and runs with it, without me having to constantly ask questions. but i guess that's not my fault, to want to engage others. what better way to have conversations than showing interest in others right? like the bible verse in Philippians about showing interest in others, like Jesus did. that's very important in ministry. i guess this heartwarming feeling of being in community and able to share was encouraging also because i am moving on to the next stage of my life and it's comforting to know that i can communicate just fine with people in young adult groups. i love the undergrad ministry but there are often lots of emotions and particular kinds of experience involved in that ministry, so i think for just a while, as i am learning about the teaching profession, i need God to once again pour into me, where I am not always in a serving position. as selfish as that sounds. i don't think i'll ever be in that position for long anyways, because i like to be active and have good change occur. haha some of what i wrote just here sounds sort of conceited, but maybe i'm not doing a good job at mincing words/explaining, so i hope people don't misunderstand. if you have questions or problems, just ask me.

i am starting to believe that God has a good place for me at Stanford though. i always knew that in my mind, but my heart is starting to accept and understand it as well. the other good thing was seeing single people like myself who were in the working world and in their 20s. it's not that "misery loves company" but it was more like reality hitting me but also encouraging to me. i think sometimes being swept up into the general thinking of society has left me vulnerable and harmed. like i think it's abnormal or something that i've never dated, but it's good seeing how other's lives are playing out to see how God works. haha, this may sound kind of vague. but basically, i was uplifted and once again restored to a state of patience and waiting upon God. i guess similar to those who may be confused about what they want to do for their life's purpose and how lost some are--this is how i can relate with those kinds of people. i myself have always had a strong sense of calling of what God wants me to do in life, not to mention i am a driven and ambitious person in general. but praise the Lord, He has really opened doors for me to walk through. however, a husband fitting into the picture is just so hard sometimes. and like i wrote previously [i think] when the actual possibility of a relationship being able to occur happened, i was scared and did not feel emotionally ready. maybe God used that to open my eyes to continue to prepare me until i was ready. who knows? i know I need to be patient and not be anxious. for all i know, God may not want me to get married, although i hope that isn't the case. it's also because i really love children, so i think that would be hard for me. now this is turning into a rant so i'm going to stop. but i am replacing this issue into God's hands.

haha i feel like i start off every entry with "i've been meaning to blog..." oh these sentiments...

well here goes:

this is kind of random, but just now i had a flash of thought run through my mind--should i make this blog private? but i've been so against it up until now. i mean it's already not really public in a sense because people don't know about it unless i give them the link. and i do know some other people who do that. and the thing is, i'm not really ashamed of anything i write in here. all the things i write are a reflection of my innermost thoughts that i just need to process through. and by allowing others to read it, i'm trying to be transparent about the struggles and changes i'm going through. at the same time, i'm not asking for sympathy. rather, as a way of keeping in touch for some, although i don't write in a very diary version. i guess more than anything it's to document revelations I have for myself and perhaps be able to reach out to others at the same time. however, i realized that although for the most part i write about myself, i need to be careful for others and their privacy. i don't believe i have ever mentioned names in a harsh bashing way because i'm careful to avoid that becuase i need to protect the people. the people around me will naturally know who i am talking about since they are involved in my daily life, but that's fine because if they weren't my friends or spent time with me they wouldn't know. anyways, i hope i will continue to be aware of this and never hurt anyone who might possibly read this.
to be honest, this is kind of a strange habit i have, rambling. haha it was funny because today, my old bible quizzing director was talking about the importance of listening to someone. and this is definitely something i have learned over the years. naturally, i am a talker. i guess this is what makes me an extravert. like this blog, i could go on and on, about nothing. is it to hear myself speak? maybe a little bit [wow, that's so narcisstic] but more than anything, i think it's bored. for me, sometimes when you are in the middle of doing something, you dont want to stop doing it because you don't want to change and do something else. it's the sloth in me. this paragraph is really shining a poor light on me. haha. for most of my friends, they know i'm a talker. funny i also ask people a lot of questions though because i love hearing about other's lives. it's important to me. but then, i always want to respond. which is what i have been learning about. sometimes when people rant, they just want someone to listen to, especially if they don't know you well. of course you mean well, but who is to say that you know the whole sitaution? sometimes feelings are hard and people's hearts are hardened. i think this has something to do with my savior complex. wanting to help people, but it can go far into not being sensitive enough to other's needs. so over the years i've been working at it. trying to practice more the discipline of silence, especially since according to the Bible, a gentle and quiet spirit for a female is pleasing.

that goes into the topic of patience. gosh, i'm kind of annoyed about this. this has been a discipline i've been trying to learn, but why am i still failing at it? okay, now this is speaking into another part of my life, success driven. looks like there are many things to be handing over to God in the upcoming years. i mean in the past, i had an anger problem, but looking back God has really healed me of those temper tantrums. even though i'm not sure how/why. i guess this also speaks into something else about God. sometimes people go through much pain and they keep praying to ask Him to take it away and yet it still seems to remain there. of course, it can be their fault because they aren't actively doing anything about it. but sometimes it's just waiting on God's own times. then funnily, there are other times where God takes it right away, immediately like a miracle. so with this success driven nature of mine and also impatience-will it be fast or slow. one thing for sure is, i don't think i've been praying enough about it and having really been committing it to God.

bringing to next point--in Sunday school we talked about life transformation, something i really love about being a Christian, when God turns around someone's life/heart. it's a beautiful thing, as I have seen in my life. we've been looking at ephesians-put off the old clothes, renew your mind, and put on the new. renewing your mind is constant and one sure way is to memorize Scripture. that's something i said i was going to do this past school year, but have not really pulled through; but after memorizing again a chapter for bible quizzing, i'm going to start again. Bible Quizzing really has been such saving grace in my life. knowing the Word has helped me persevere and given me wisdom to offer others. i'm thinking of going through galatians, ephesians, philippians and colossians. maybe that can be my goal. at the same time, i've thought about memorizing verses separately all over the Bible. still food for thought, but i definitely will do at least one verse a week. i also think this will be good practice for the rest of my life but especially in grad school, since I will be without community. i am anticipating it, going into the real world. i'm definitely really excited to be teaching and interacting with students. i'm also excited to gain ideas from other teachers. however, i'm not really a drinker, especially since i'm underage, i've never drank. i mean it's better since i am turning 21 in october. but i really have little desire. i think the only thing will be to socialize with some co workers but getting really drunk is not my idea of fun. i will also need to take this before the Lord. i can be very judgmental and it's really not my place. i need to know how to use this privilege when i turn 21 wisely. how to use it for God's glory. hm.
but something that i really need to put off as i have realized this week is my success driven attitude, my workaholism. i need to learn to let go and let God. God is good and he has good plans for me. "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3
Sometimes nothing more important to do is prayer. we need to be in constant communication with God daily more than anything else we do. i think i need to remember this. sometimes in a day, i will be so busy doing other things and the funny thing is lots of them have the purpose of wanting to glorify God, like dship and small group and meeting up with people. not saying that all those things aren't good. but i have just been reminded of the martha story. Mary sat there listening at Jesus' feet despite all the things that needed to be prepared in the house. i am just like Martha, with the busyness and through that she become frustrated at her sibligns and angry. wow, i do feel that way sometimes. i really need to know when to sit and let God give me strength.

however, the other thing that kind of annoys me is my low ability to take change. i stress so easily every time circumstances change. i think this has a lot to do with things not going my way and when my schedule is ruined that bothers me. i'm also lazy and procrastinate so sometimes that harms the plan too. so i need to be self controlled and persevering in the necessary and important things because these are hte fruits of hte spirit. i will be battling against human flesh so it's not always easy but I hav ehte Holy Spirit so I should be able to overcome the temptation but that's also why accountability is important and why we need community. however, i also need to remember that God has better plans than all, so even if my own plans are disturbed, i need to accepting and loving towards it. i need to change my heart. rather, God change my heart and take away these anxious feelings.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

conclusions:
-memorize Scripture
-pray lots for change
--learn to rest from work

thoughts running through my mind

this is going to be a lot like a diary entry of things I did, but I really have to think through events that have been happening lately. hadn't much time to process, been strangely busy.

it's been good because i've been driving lots. i drove for about two hours on the way back to NY from toronto and that actually gave me a lot of practice for changing lanes and also how to drive longer distances. i think i've really been gaining more and more confidence, praise God. it's coming faster than i expected because i really could not envision myself ever driving alone or much, but now i'm starting to get more comfortable and feel pretty safe most of the time. my parents have been really good and smart about letting me drive often, which will be needed because i am getting a car in california and i will have to drive a lot to get groceries and go to work and church. i might also have to carpool people and i know my parents don't want that, but i have a month to persuade them. i agree it might be dangerous so i'll do my best to make sure i don't need to drive people but it may be hard because not many people have cars in the STEP program.

speaking of, i am getting kind of nervous for the upcoming program. i've been meaning to talk to my parents about it and such because it usually makes me feel better, it's hard to keep all my feelings inside, especially if they are related to anxiety. i know i will love and enjoy teaching and i'll be super busy anyways. but this program is for a whole year. so i really need a community. i have heard that people within STEP become close to each other, but frankly, when i look at the people in the fb group, sometimes i feel so distant. i think it's a result from being definitely one of the youngest but also because i am Christian. i know I can be friends with others too, but sometimes our values are so different it can make it difficult. i just want to be respected for who i am as well. not to be peer pressured into doing something that i may not care about or enjoy. anyways, i have told people about this concern and i know some are praying for me, so thank you. i have started praying about it this morning so hopefully i will consistent in taking this up to God and leaving it with Him. i know I should not be continuously worried after this. on a side note, a praise. i finally contact an older sister that went to Stanford in her undergrad years from my home church and she responded quite fast. i guess God is trying to show me not to worry. she was really nice, willing to meet up with me and talk more about church options. it's kind of funny, at the rate things are going, i may very well end up going to intervarsity grad fellowship, even though that is not what i want initially, since i do want to join a church, but you never know with the circumstances right? whatever God's will may be for me to grow more and be useful for Him. i am just really thankful for a resource out in California, especially near Stanford since I don't know many people there.

side note: i am a little ashamed of sharing this for whoever reads, and i have thought about NOT blogging this, but i'm just going to go ahead and talk about it anyways, because i need to think it through. the human fleshy side of me that longs for a relationship tells me that i need to join an Asian fellowship or even a Cantonese one where the guys are semi attractive. i'm so ashamed of this kind of thinking. i didn't even know it existed. maybe what is stemming out of this is a human desire to be in a romantic relationship, but it's funny because at the same time, i'm also really scared to be in a relationship. in fact, i can barely imagine being in one. i'm so used to being single and taking care of myself and of course of those in my family, but to be always thinking for another person all the time, i'm not sure if i am ready for that. i don't know if i can be that selfless or dependent. which is another scary thought, because i kind of don't want to be alone either. i have this thought that runs through my mind that i will find someone to date in graduate school, so maybe this is where the pressure is coming from. it's weird because those two feelings are paradoxical. and to be honest, in a sense, i think it is right to say that the right person who comes along will be during a time when i am not thinking about these things at all. it's not that i don't want them, but it's just not as fantastical as i make it out to be. i think God wants me to be realistic about the situation and He has been doing good works in me throughout college. giving me confidence as to who i am as a woman in Him. He wants me to solely depend on Him, which is why He has been stripping away my desire for dramas [granted that i knew they were bad for me also because they were giving me false ideas about romantic relationships between males and females] but also the addiciton would not be healthy to my future. He wants me to live for Him and I do as well, I don't ever want to change because of a guy or anything, but only because of God. I know that God uses people to hone and change us and I'm fine with that, because I've learned a lot through my friends' experiences, but I never want to use a guy to change me. it works for some people, as in when they get into a relationship they mature much more and such, but i guess I just never wanted that to be an instigator in my life. also, God has been teaching me how beautiful i am and how i need to not have such low body image of myself. sometimes i forget about it in the busyness of life, which is a good side effect, but it doesn't solve the actual problem of how i am dissatisfied and according to my parents, i really shouldn't be because He's blessed me with so much, which is true. in light of all hard diseases, what is how I look like matter in the end? sigh, difficulties of being a girl and dealing with sinful nature.

self control and learning not to have idols, but to depend on God for strength--

i need to pray for a pure mind and thoughts and for pure motivations when i find a fellowship. i need to be focused on Him and how He wants to hone me. He will take care of me. I am nervous for sure, but He is good.

last thing: devotions this morning once again helped me to realign to His kingdom. I am often sidetracked by my own desires, which is basically what this entire post is about, since i mainly talked about my worries and such. i really need to pray for these things, which i have started to, and lift them up to God but also view them in His light. i am reading revelations right now and i'm on chapter 5. today it talked about who was worthy to open the scrolls and only one person is, Jesus Christ, who shed His blood for us and was the Lamb and sacrifice for our sins. as a result, we are forever indebted to Him. in this light, i am reminded that He is the purpose my life and reason for why I live. all other things I am worried about are not worth much in the end, right? of course, i still need to live in this world, but how much emphasis i put on something should be different from the rest. in the end, it's all to His glory.

girls have this tendency to overthink a situation before it even happens.
but sometimes what God has in mind is different from what you dream? expect? dread?
so don't let your thoughts run away from you...and don't brood in what you think is going to happen. let it happen and then figure it out from there. it's not healthy to you or those you share with to daydream to the point that your own emotions may be affected. haha this is the rational T coming out in me. but also a reminder for myself.

more of you and less of me.

"In the Christian life you need more tension, not less, if you are to do the will of God." [difference between God's promises and the reality of the world]
"Pray alongside those for whom you intercede."
"At earlier stages the Christian is more concerned about himself, his experiences, what other people think about him and what God's Word does for him. With spiritual maturing comes an increasing concern for others, and for the honor and glory of God."
"What I have gained through them in sheer treasure makes the suffering a trivial price to pay. I hate pain, but I would gladly undergo the same pain again to find more of the same treasure."
"The silent cries of her desperation were the response to pressures he was placing on her."
"What you can always experience is a deepening relationship with Him. For you may be sure that the pain has a purpose in your own life. It is divine surgery that, if you respond to it appropriately, will heal and correct defects in your Christian growth. But it is essential that you respond with trust in the mercy and goodness of God."
-Daring to Draw Near

community

in spite of inner turmoil and confusion
nights of tossing and turning
anger, frustration, anticipation
unable to sit down and focus

i have some very loving and caring roommates.
and their thoughtful actions touch me.


God, grant me wisdom to make the right decisions and speak wisely to protect Your loved ones.

sabbath

the concept is a place for my mind to rest. the idea that i don't HAVE to do anything today for others, even though this may be a bad mentality, it's really freeing me up.

read 1 John 4. God's love keeps reappearing over and over again. How can we call ourselves children of God if we do not love in the same way that Christ did? for some reason, 1 John 4 is particularly befitting for Good Friday and Easter because it talks about a particular reaction we Christians should have in response to Christ's death.
v 9 "This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him"
this verse has never been really a surprise or anything to me because this idea is what the whole gospel is based upon. and sometimes, because I grew up in a Christian household, I feel like I take Christ for granted. I understand the concept of the gospel and am grateful, and though from the past three years of college, it has slowly began to change me drastically, it was not always this way. I don't know when the Spirit started convicting me so strongly, but I really should praise God for it. because without Him, I would not even have the motivation to seek Him. Without Him, I would not be able to understand who He is. It is really through Him that I am even a Christian, from beginning to end. He placed wonderful people in my life but even in the ways that He has brought me to Michigan has been a blessing. I don't remember entirely how I was like in high school, because in terms of personality I have not really changed. But in terms of my inner thoughts, I think I have. I should have journaled back in high school to get a better idea. haha. anyways, these verses were particularly apt and it was cool that so happens, the place I was doing devotions in talks specifically about Christ's death and how his atoning sacrifice was the example of the greatest and in response, we need to iMITATE it. i've been wondering lately, how I as a Christian can set myself apart from the world. I have the words of truth and I do need to be sharing them. But at the same time, in the midst of the busy hubbab, sometimes I just don't do it.

lent and dramas-next topic.

generosity.

meant to write a post on this a few days ago. anyways, something I really wanted to record down. i thought i had lost my brother's spiritual warfare book that he had lent me earlier this week, but praise God I found it today. however, the point was i felt so disheveled and told my brother the following day. but he really freed and released me when he told me not to worry about it. i told him i would buy him a new book and all--yes he was grateful for that, but all in all, it was not a big deal that i had lost it. he was very gracious about it, more so than i expected, and i have been realizing lately how materialistic i have become.

it's weird objects have never been a big deal in my life. like i grew up a Christian right? so i've always known what the Bible says about treasures in Heaven. i know i'm not supposed to store up on this earth, but unknowingly i have been influenced by society's thoughts. though it's not to the same extreme of wanting to do a profession to earn money, i am very stingy with my belongings. this includes many things, but i have trouble sharing. some of this selfish nature comes from the fact that i am a youngest child and never had to share much. this is a sad realization for me, about my sinful nature. hard for me to accept, because it's SO stereotypical and materialistic, it's shameful. sometimes, i wonder and think in my mind [this is my pride speaking] it can't just be me! why do i feel like i'm the only one who realizes and is super acute to what i'm like and my problems?

i do realize it's the spirit convicting me and i should be thankful for this aware spirit, but sometimes it's difficult for me because then i question why other people are not aware in the same way-->causing me to be judgmental of others sometimes because it seems unfair for me. why this is a very angsty post. sorry, readers, but you'll have to bear a little longer.

yeah i definitely do struggle with pride and i think satan definitely even uses my possible strengths against me by making me perceive it as a weakness or think of it to its most extreme form. i mean it's good to be aware, but causing me to judge others makes this good quality manifest itself negatively. it's interesting how blogging makes me think about these things and have a greater self awareness than normal. i guess that's something positive that comes out of blogging.

anyways, i have heard a lot more about tithing than usual this year. i mean i never earned much money in high school, so this was never a problem, but i think along with the fact that it is hard for me to completely put my faith into God's providence, i sometimes don't fully tithe and it's partially because i don't earn a lot of money already so i feel like it's not necessary and my checks are inconsistent, but it's just me being lazy and that is manifesting negatively because i'm not giving to God's kingdom. though, i have a chance now with AIV funding for next year so i should give back to my fellowship to help others grow.