...that it may benefit those who listen."
summer has been good so far and that's the response i've given to the majority who have asked me. it's not been super eventful or anything but it's been productive in a nonstressful way. i would say this mantra kind of describes it: slow and steady wins the race. haha, maybe i just made it all the more confusing to understand. but yeah, it's been nice unpacking most of my college stuff, studying for exams, playing piano for church, shopping/getting ready for clothes for work. i've also been going to work and helping out at the office which is nice because my parents are willing to pay me, and normally, like last summer, i resisted because UM tuition costs so much and i don't do too much at work anyways. but since i won't have a job this upcoming year because i'll be so busy, it'll be nice to earn some pocket money so i don't have to keep asking my parents next year. they are paying for dorms and tuition and stuff, but i'll still pay for groceries and probably books. it was interesting calculating all the loans i'll be getting so my parents don't have to be obligated to pay.
but besides all that technical rambling, some thoughts that arose in my mind this past sunday. i realized how even at this stage, there are times where i find my self worth in how others value me as a friend. when i feel that an individual is not valuing my friendship, i am offended but also very hurt. i think this is one of the few things that really affects my mind for a bit. i am really blessed becuase i do have a family that loves me very much and it is very obvious to me. they are also very supportive in many of the things that i decide, so i should be well satisfied, but as a sinful human being, the reality is that at my core, i have this desire to be considered important by my friends. this is something i've also struggled with in high school and i feel that this desire of mine has also corrupted other areas of thinking i have in my life. however, this Sunday, God revealed to me that just as what i wrote about being a daughter of God and not letting your expectations for your husband consume you, i realized that i was placing expectations upon my friends, in a sense. i feel valued when my friends want to spend time with me and they initiate. i feel valued when they tell me about their lives becuase they trust me. i want to be sought out. i think this is interesting because it says a lot about my personality. at the same time, I know God is telling me that I need to throw away these misconceptions and desires and learn to embrace Him. He wants me, all of me. He died a most painful death just so He could be closer to me, physically and emotionally. Yet I treat Him like crap with the time I commit to Him and how I live sometimes. The way that I would not want to be treated by my friends, sometimes that's how I treat God--I take Him for granted. I know He's good and powerful and loving, but sometimes I just do not let Him satisfy and fulfill me in every way because I'm withholding my desires from Him. so in the end, it is a matter of priorities. I need to spend more time with God and be filled with His love, so that when my friends fail me and disappoint me, I won't feel that way. instead I will realize that they are simply humans and have their own faults. they may not be careful with what they say at times but it's also the fact that they are empty themselves and need the Lord. I need to learn how to support others in spite of how they hurt me because it's not wholly their fault. I need to love God more and let Him fill me up every day with His UNCONDITIONAL love.
the other thing i realized that i needed to control from last week were my emotional angry outbursts. not many people are usually subject to this, except for my immediate family. and i feel that's a result of living together too long and knowing each other well. also, it's a part of my sinful nature as well because there are some values I have that I so stubbornly hold onto sometimes but the thing is, they are negotiable. it's not a salvation issue or a commandment by the Lord. for me and many other college students, i believe, there is friction between parents and children because of the desire of independence and wanting to be your own person. altho if one thinks about it, this is technically not a very Christian ideal, right? Christians are taught to build each other up with their words becuase we are a community. we disciple and try to guide each other as well as keep each other accountable. in fact, the early church would pool together their resources and many and give to others who were needed. we are called to do that still today. there are financial trouble within some churches that need help. there's tithing. nyways, i am thankful for my parents who have to put up with my angry outbursts. this has always been a problem of mine ever since i was young. my temper has gotten a lot better, but i think that usually when i get anxious or stressed or overwhelmed, i will outburst very quickly and easily, but to tell the truth, although that's helpful for me to get it out as soon as possible, it's hurtful, especially to my mom. she feels that i don't respect her, which i know grieves her and makes me sad because i do very much love her. but to her actions speak louder than words sometimes. so i really need to let God come and change my heart. i haven't been praying much about it, but patience is soemthing that i need to learn and i also need to not get stressed over every single little thing, bringing to my next point.
something we talked about in sunday school last week was how as Christians we need to renew our minds about the value of work. this really struck a chord in me. i've always been a pretty thorough worker, which causes me NOT to want to work because i can't start it and do it halfway. so i'd rather not start. i guess that's where a mix of slothfulness comes into my life, which sometimes is necessary, but i think it's necessary that i learn how to balance between work and relaxation. however, i was challenged this sunday school to think of work in a positive light. the speaker mentioned how God commanded us to work hard BEFORE the fall. so work is considered good in His eyes. Adam was to take care of the garden. it was not suppose to be a chore, but something meaningful and enjoyable in the process. similarly many times we view work dreadfully, as can be seen by many people who go to a 9-5 job. but in interacting with waitresses and salespeople, wow, what a big difference it can make with a positive and upbeat attitude. my mom and i have always talked about this when we would meet a waiter. my mom brought it to my attention, as a matter of fact. by being optimistic, the waiter becomes happier themselves and also makes the people they interact with happy. in the same way, i will be in the social sphere and my actions and facial expressions could really influence those i teach. i want to be a positive example, to be energetic so everyone could enjoy the time they are in school. i could always go home and relax afterwards, so what's the point in putting on a mopey face at work to make everyone around you feel more down. and don't forget: our work becomes an offering and sacrifice for God--for me this is an essential reminder because it's not for others that we work. if that's the case, when people fail us, we'll be utterly disappointed and want to quit right away. but God never fails us. in fact, all the things He's done for us would be impossible to comprehend humanly. so i need to enter into work positively and stop using words like i'm so stressed out all the time.
conclusions:
I need to pray LOTS AND LOTS more.
why? prayer is time spent with God=energy to do work, to love others well, to be fulfilled by my Savior and I will be able to change and transform and be more like Jesus.
in particular: i need to prepare my heart for the retreat that's coming up. i have been consumed with doing other things throughout the week that i totally forgot about the whole purpose of the retreat. initially i said i was going to go because two of my friends from my home church asked me if i was going and i thought since i was only at home for a limited time it would be good to spend with them. but i think i should also view this retreat as one to prepare me for my upcoming work in Stanford. although not many peers are going with me and i won't be staying in a room with my friends, I really should pray and ask God to show me what HIs plans are for me this retreat.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
being a daughter of Christ--post on marriage.
wow, i just read an incredibly enlightening blog post about life after marriage. it was on kelly needham's blog. i hope she doesn't mind if i link it: http://kellyneedham.wordpress.com/2010/05/07/life-after-marriage/
anyways, i wanted to blog out my thoughts in response to this year old post. she says some very wise statements and in fact, many of the things she talks about and how she feels is exactly how i feel, except for the fact that i've never been in a relationship. for the past few blog posts, it seems that romantic relationships has been a frequent topic on my mind. in my defense, i don't really think about it all that often when i'm alone/with people. it's only when i blog and start reevaluating about my life and thinking. but i think just now, God reminded me of my first resolve, concerning this area. at one point in my life, God had hinted to me that until i was completely satisfied with having just Him, He would never give me this romantic relationship. and to be honest, that's probably one of the smartest decisions He's made concerning my life. i have told some people [that i think will understand] this pattern of thinking, but not many because sometimes it can sound like a cop out. but after reading kelly's blogpost, and realizing how similar our struggles are, i was enlightened that God has blessed me by holding off in this area from me. reading her post made me realize how easy it is to make romantic relationships your idol. she wrote about how she felt insecure/jealous seeing her husband become popular and getting autographs with other girls and whatnot, and to be honest, i totally understand this view. in fact, jealousy is one of my favorite things to watch in dramas, because it's oh-so-romantic. but i've slowly begun to realize, as of late, how possessive it can be and distrusting if taken too far. and this post, where the author was a Christian woman after God's heart, opened my eyes and convicted my heart. haha, it affirmed me that i was not crazy in my way of thinking, because someone else out there with experiences was telling her story and i could relate very well. she directly addressed this issue and said that she had forgotten that her first identity was as a daughter of God. i had never thought of it in that way, but she is so right. if we are filled with God's love and if we find our identity in Him, we would not be seeking fulfillment from our husbands. and we really should not be seeking that from them anyways. we are all imperfect people and setting such high standards and requirements of another person is not fair to them because it's impossible. that's why Jesus had to come to die for us. i have never thought about it in this way. i knew that God was growing me to get ready to do His missions work and He was preparing me for a relationship, but a slight part of me was still anxious and it's probably gotten worse as the years have gone by.
she painted a picture for me of what a healthy marriage relationship should look like. marriage is a blessing and gift that God gives us, but we should never hold it in such high regard that we lose sight of the Giver Himself. marriage is something God created so He could draw us even nearer to Himself. so we could understand Him more and grow in our relationship with Him. we are partners with our marriage partner. only when we are filled with the love of Christ, can we give it to others and can we focus on doing His work. moreover, with the love of Christ, when our husbands fail in loving us, we can encourage them rather than jumping down their throats for not fulfilling a standard that we have given them. this is a beautiful and accurate picture that God has revealed to me through the blog post.
i really need to keep polishing my mind and refreshing it with Scripture so Satan cannot attack me with thoughts that are not from the truth. it's easy to tumble through thoughts about this issue especially when i can be such a hopeless romantic.
another blog post from from her blog, the first one i read, was about her feelings when she was waiting on God for a husband, but after a while, she realized that she was waiting in the wrong way. waiting, in the sense that she was doing, showed that she did not really care about relationship with God but that she was simply trying to get some benefit from Him. yes, i know words and logistics and all, but bear with me here so we don't have to argue all night about unedifying semantics. her major point from this post was about how God is our first love and we should not forget that. the reason why we long to be loved and in such passionate relationships is because that hole can only be fulfilled by God alone. and we look to fulfill this in other ways. yes, this is something you may have heard many times, but for me, the way she put it made much sense. why i have particular longings for such things. i know we are all made differently but it helped me seeing things from this angle. i need to learn how to fall in love with God, for who He is, not just to obey and please Him. this will be difficult concept for me, but i will just pray to ask God for help.
conclusions: -i need to be filled with the love of Christ first and foremost, to find my fulfillment in Him. I also need to learn how to fall in love with Him, as my Husband.
anyways, i wanted to blog out my thoughts in response to this year old post. she says some very wise statements and in fact, many of the things she talks about and how she feels is exactly how i feel, except for the fact that i've never been in a relationship. for the past few blog posts, it seems that romantic relationships has been a frequent topic on my mind. in my defense, i don't really think about it all that often when i'm alone/with people. it's only when i blog and start reevaluating about my life and thinking. but i think just now, God reminded me of my first resolve, concerning this area. at one point in my life, God had hinted to me that until i was completely satisfied with having just Him, He would never give me this romantic relationship. and to be honest, that's probably one of the smartest decisions He's made concerning my life. i have told some people [that i think will understand] this pattern of thinking, but not many because sometimes it can sound like a cop out. but after reading kelly's blogpost, and realizing how similar our struggles are, i was enlightened that God has blessed me by holding off in this area from me. reading her post made me realize how easy it is to make romantic relationships your idol. she wrote about how she felt insecure/jealous seeing her husband become popular and getting autographs with other girls and whatnot, and to be honest, i totally understand this view. in fact, jealousy is one of my favorite things to watch in dramas, because it's oh-so-romantic. but i've slowly begun to realize, as of late, how possessive it can be and distrusting if taken too far. and this post, where the author was a Christian woman after God's heart, opened my eyes and convicted my heart. haha, it affirmed me that i was not crazy in my way of thinking, because someone else out there with experiences was telling her story and i could relate very well. she directly addressed this issue and said that she had forgotten that her first identity was as a daughter of God. i had never thought of it in that way, but she is so right. if we are filled with God's love and if we find our identity in Him, we would not be seeking fulfillment from our husbands. and we really should not be seeking that from them anyways. we are all imperfect people and setting such high standards and requirements of another person is not fair to them because it's impossible. that's why Jesus had to come to die for us. i have never thought about it in this way. i knew that God was growing me to get ready to do His missions work and He was preparing me for a relationship, but a slight part of me was still anxious and it's probably gotten worse as the years have gone by.
she painted a picture for me of what a healthy marriage relationship should look like. marriage is a blessing and gift that God gives us, but we should never hold it in such high regard that we lose sight of the Giver Himself. marriage is something God created so He could draw us even nearer to Himself. so we could understand Him more and grow in our relationship with Him. we are partners with our marriage partner. only when we are filled with the love of Christ, can we give it to others and can we focus on doing His work. moreover, with the love of Christ, when our husbands fail in loving us, we can encourage them rather than jumping down their throats for not fulfilling a standard that we have given them. this is a beautiful and accurate picture that God has revealed to me through the blog post.
i really need to keep polishing my mind and refreshing it with Scripture so Satan cannot attack me with thoughts that are not from the truth. it's easy to tumble through thoughts about this issue especially when i can be such a hopeless romantic.
another blog post from from her blog, the first one i read, was about her feelings when she was waiting on God for a husband, but after a while, she realized that she was waiting in the wrong way. waiting, in the sense that she was doing, showed that she did not really care about relationship with God but that she was simply trying to get some benefit from Him. yes, i know words and logistics and all, but bear with me here so we don't have to argue all night about unedifying semantics. her major point from this post was about how God is our first love and we should not forget that. the reason why we long to be loved and in such passionate relationships is because that hole can only be fulfilled by God alone. and we look to fulfill this in other ways. yes, this is something you may have heard many times, but for me, the way she put it made much sense. why i have particular longings for such things. i know we are all made differently but it helped me seeing things from this angle. i need to learn how to fall in love with God, for who He is, not just to obey and please Him. this will be difficult concept for me, but i will just pray to ask God for help.
conclusions: -i need to be filled with the love of Christ first and foremost, to find my fulfillment in Him. I also need to learn how to fall in love with Him, as my Husband.
just came back from bible quizzing retreat this weekend.
a thought ran through my mind yesterday that i told myself i must write down, but i'm not sure what it was, so this will be an attempt to reconjure it up since i know that i need to record it down.
it was really awesome seeing so many alumni quizzers gathered together. i do believe that God has given me a more sociable heart in a sense. a heart that is less afraid of befriending those outside of my own friends. when i was younger, i was pretty cliquish/clingy, i believe. not really wanting to go outside of my comfort zone of friends and talking with others, whether it be those from other churches or parents. i don't mind that so much now, although there are still times where i feel awkward standing around. it's not that i necessarily don't want to engage, but sometimes i feel strange interrupting a group of people i barely know. if it's individuals, it can be easier.
but anyways, it was good to see all old quizzers and funny because it was not like we were ever really close or anything, but something about having participated in bible quizzing together just made us feel at home with each other and like family, even though we did not know anything about each other's lives. it was cool to see each other still following so wholeheartedly after God. we gathered together to have prayer and quick sharing time, and i was really thankful for that suggestion because it was such a blessing to me. the community of Christians is really interesting because you always have something in common. God! and we know he pervades into every area of life. so in that case, you can really talk about anything. what was interesting is i did not realize how much older everyone was than me. most were at least three or four years older than me! it was cool that we could converse like normal. in that sense, i feel God has changed me a bit. or maybe He hasn't and i have always been like this, according to others. but it's easier to be friendlier to others now and just talk about stuff. sometimes i wish i was a bit more natural at it, because i can come up with lots of questions, but i always love it when a conversation just takes up and runs with it, without me having to constantly ask questions. but i guess that's not my fault, to want to engage others. what better way to have conversations than showing interest in others right? like the bible verse in Philippians about showing interest in others, like Jesus did. that's very important in ministry. i guess this heartwarming feeling of being in community and able to share was encouraging also because i am moving on to the next stage of my life and it's comforting to know that i can communicate just fine with people in young adult groups. i love the undergrad ministry but there are often lots of emotions and particular kinds of experience involved in that ministry, so i think for just a while, as i am learning about the teaching profession, i need God to once again pour into me, where I am not always in a serving position. as selfish as that sounds. i don't think i'll ever be in that position for long anyways, because i like to be active and have good change occur. haha some of what i wrote just here sounds sort of conceited, but maybe i'm not doing a good job at mincing words/explaining, so i hope people don't misunderstand. if you have questions or problems, just ask me.
i am starting to believe that God has a good place for me at Stanford though. i always knew that in my mind, but my heart is starting to accept and understand it as well. the other good thing was seeing single people like myself who were in the working world and in their 20s. it's not that "misery loves company" but it was more like reality hitting me but also encouraging to me. i think sometimes being swept up into the general thinking of society has left me vulnerable and harmed. like i think it's abnormal or something that i've never dated, but it's good seeing how other's lives are playing out to see how God works. haha, this may sound kind of vague. but basically, i was uplifted and once again restored to a state of patience and waiting upon God. i guess similar to those who may be confused about what they want to do for their life's purpose and how lost some are--this is how i can relate with those kinds of people. i myself have always had a strong sense of calling of what God wants me to do in life, not to mention i am a driven and ambitious person in general. but praise the Lord, He has really opened doors for me to walk through. however, a husband fitting into the picture is just so hard sometimes. and like i wrote previously [i think] when the actual possibility of a relationship being able to occur happened, i was scared and did not feel emotionally ready. maybe God used that to open my eyes to continue to prepare me until i was ready. who knows? i know I need to be patient and not be anxious. for all i know, God may not want me to get married, although i hope that isn't the case. it's also because i really love children, so i think that would be hard for me. now this is turning into a rant so i'm going to stop. but i am replacing this issue into God's hands.
a thought ran through my mind yesterday that i told myself i must write down, but i'm not sure what it was, so this will be an attempt to reconjure it up since i know that i need to record it down.
it was really awesome seeing so many alumni quizzers gathered together. i do believe that God has given me a more sociable heart in a sense. a heart that is less afraid of befriending those outside of my own friends. when i was younger, i was pretty cliquish/clingy, i believe. not really wanting to go outside of my comfort zone of friends and talking with others, whether it be those from other churches or parents. i don't mind that so much now, although there are still times where i feel awkward standing around. it's not that i necessarily don't want to engage, but sometimes i feel strange interrupting a group of people i barely know. if it's individuals, it can be easier.
but anyways, it was good to see all old quizzers and funny because it was not like we were ever really close or anything, but something about having participated in bible quizzing together just made us feel at home with each other and like family, even though we did not know anything about each other's lives. it was cool to see each other still following so wholeheartedly after God. we gathered together to have prayer and quick sharing time, and i was really thankful for that suggestion because it was such a blessing to me. the community of Christians is really interesting because you always have something in common. God! and we know he pervades into every area of life. so in that case, you can really talk about anything. what was interesting is i did not realize how much older everyone was than me. most were at least three or four years older than me! it was cool that we could converse like normal. in that sense, i feel God has changed me a bit. or maybe He hasn't and i have always been like this, according to others. but it's easier to be friendlier to others now and just talk about stuff. sometimes i wish i was a bit more natural at it, because i can come up with lots of questions, but i always love it when a conversation just takes up and runs with it, without me having to constantly ask questions. but i guess that's not my fault, to want to engage others. what better way to have conversations than showing interest in others right? like the bible verse in Philippians about showing interest in others, like Jesus did. that's very important in ministry. i guess this heartwarming feeling of being in community and able to share was encouraging also because i am moving on to the next stage of my life and it's comforting to know that i can communicate just fine with people in young adult groups. i love the undergrad ministry but there are often lots of emotions and particular kinds of experience involved in that ministry, so i think for just a while, as i am learning about the teaching profession, i need God to once again pour into me, where I am not always in a serving position. as selfish as that sounds. i don't think i'll ever be in that position for long anyways, because i like to be active and have good change occur. haha some of what i wrote just here sounds sort of conceited, but maybe i'm not doing a good job at mincing words/explaining, so i hope people don't misunderstand. if you have questions or problems, just ask me.
i am starting to believe that God has a good place for me at Stanford though. i always knew that in my mind, but my heart is starting to accept and understand it as well. the other good thing was seeing single people like myself who were in the working world and in their 20s. it's not that "misery loves company" but it was more like reality hitting me but also encouraging to me. i think sometimes being swept up into the general thinking of society has left me vulnerable and harmed. like i think it's abnormal or something that i've never dated, but it's good seeing how other's lives are playing out to see how God works. haha, this may sound kind of vague. but basically, i was uplifted and once again restored to a state of patience and waiting upon God. i guess similar to those who may be confused about what they want to do for their life's purpose and how lost some are--this is how i can relate with those kinds of people. i myself have always had a strong sense of calling of what God wants me to do in life, not to mention i am a driven and ambitious person in general. but praise the Lord, He has really opened doors for me to walk through. however, a husband fitting into the picture is just so hard sometimes. and like i wrote previously [i think] when the actual possibility of a relationship being able to occur happened, i was scared and did not feel emotionally ready. maybe God used that to open my eyes to continue to prepare me until i was ready. who knows? i know I need to be patient and not be anxious. for all i know, God may not want me to get married, although i hope that isn't the case. it's also because i really love children, so i think that would be hard for me. now this is turning into a rant so i'm going to stop. but i am replacing this issue into God's hands.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
haha i feel like i start off every entry with "i've been meaning to blog..." oh these sentiments...
well here goes:
this is kind of random, but just now i had a flash of thought run through my mind--should i make this blog private? but i've been so against it up until now. i mean it's already not really public in a sense because people don't know about it unless i give them the link. and i do know some other people who do that. and the thing is, i'm not really ashamed of anything i write in here. all the things i write are a reflection of my innermost thoughts that i just need to process through. and by allowing others to read it, i'm trying to be transparent about the struggles and changes i'm going through. at the same time, i'm not asking for sympathy. rather, as a way of keeping in touch for some, although i don't write in a very diary version. i guess more than anything it's to document revelations I have for myself and perhaps be able to reach out to others at the same time. however, i realized that although for the most part i write about myself, i need to be careful for others and their privacy. i don't believe i have ever mentioned names in a harsh bashing way because i'm careful to avoid that becuase i need to protect the people. the people around me will naturally know who i am talking about since they are involved in my daily life, but that's fine because if they weren't my friends or spent time with me they wouldn't know. anyways, i hope i will continue to be aware of this and never hurt anyone who might possibly read this.
to be honest, this is kind of a strange habit i have, rambling. haha it was funny because today, my old bible quizzing director was talking about the importance of listening to someone. and this is definitely something i have learned over the years. naturally, i am a talker. i guess this is what makes me an extravert. like this blog, i could go on and on, about nothing. is it to hear myself speak? maybe a little bit [wow, that's so narcisstic] but more than anything, i think it's bored. for me, sometimes when you are in the middle of doing something, you dont want to stop doing it because you don't want to change and do something else. it's the sloth in me. this paragraph is really shining a poor light on me. haha. for most of my friends, they know i'm a talker. funny i also ask people a lot of questions though because i love hearing about other's lives. it's important to me. but then, i always want to respond. which is what i have been learning about. sometimes when people rant, they just want someone to listen to, especially if they don't know you well. of course you mean well, but who is to say that you know the whole sitaution? sometimes feelings are hard and people's hearts are hardened. i think this has something to do with my savior complex. wanting to help people, but it can go far into not being sensitive enough to other's needs. so over the years i've been working at it. trying to practice more the discipline of silence, especially since according to the Bible, a gentle and quiet spirit for a female is pleasing.
that goes into the topic of patience. gosh, i'm kind of annoyed about this. this has been a discipline i've been trying to learn, but why am i still failing at it? okay, now this is speaking into another part of my life, success driven. looks like there are many things to be handing over to God in the upcoming years. i mean in the past, i had an anger problem, but looking back God has really healed me of those temper tantrums. even though i'm not sure how/why. i guess this also speaks into something else about God. sometimes people go through much pain and they keep praying to ask Him to take it away and yet it still seems to remain there. of course, it can be their fault because they aren't actively doing anything about it. but sometimes it's just waiting on God's own times. then funnily, there are other times where God takes it right away, immediately like a miracle. so with this success driven nature of mine and also impatience-will it be fast or slow. one thing for sure is, i don't think i've been praying enough about it and having really been committing it to God.
bringing to next point--in Sunday school we talked about life transformation, something i really love about being a Christian, when God turns around someone's life/heart. it's a beautiful thing, as I have seen in my life. we've been looking at ephesians-put off the old clothes, renew your mind, and put on the new. renewing your mind is constant and one sure way is to memorize Scripture. that's something i said i was going to do this past school year, but have not really pulled through; but after memorizing again a chapter for bible quizzing, i'm going to start again. Bible Quizzing really has been such saving grace in my life. knowing the Word has helped me persevere and given me wisdom to offer others. i'm thinking of going through galatians, ephesians, philippians and colossians. maybe that can be my goal. at the same time, i've thought about memorizing verses separately all over the Bible. still food for thought, but i definitely will do at least one verse a week. i also think this will be good practice for the rest of my life but especially in grad school, since I will be without community. i am anticipating it, going into the real world. i'm definitely really excited to be teaching and interacting with students. i'm also excited to gain ideas from other teachers. however, i'm not really a drinker, especially since i'm underage, i've never drank. i mean it's better since i am turning 21 in october. but i really have little desire. i think the only thing will be to socialize with some co workers but getting really drunk is not my idea of fun. i will also need to take this before the Lord. i can be very judgmental and it's really not my place. i need to know how to use this privilege when i turn 21 wisely. how to use it for God's glory. hm.
but something that i really need to put off as i have realized this week is my success driven attitude, my workaholism. i need to learn to let go and let God. God is good and he has good plans for me. "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3
Sometimes nothing more important to do is prayer. we need to be in constant communication with God daily more than anything else we do. i think i need to remember this. sometimes in a day, i will be so busy doing other things and the funny thing is lots of them have the purpose of wanting to glorify God, like dship and small group and meeting up with people. not saying that all those things aren't good. but i have just been reminded of the martha story. Mary sat there listening at Jesus' feet despite all the things that needed to be prepared in the house. i am just like Martha, with the busyness and through that she become frustrated at her sibligns and angry. wow, i do feel that way sometimes. i really need to know when to sit and let God give me strength.
however, the other thing that kind of annoys me is my low ability to take change. i stress so easily every time circumstances change. i think this has a lot to do with things not going my way and when my schedule is ruined that bothers me. i'm also lazy and procrastinate so sometimes that harms the plan too. so i need to be self controlled and persevering in the necessary and important things because these are hte fruits of hte spirit. i will be battling against human flesh so it's not always easy but I hav ehte Holy Spirit so I should be able to overcome the temptation but that's also why accountability is important and why we need community. however, i also need to remember that God has better plans than all, so even if my own plans are disturbed, i need to accepting and loving towards it. i need to change my heart. rather, God change my heart and take away these anxious feelings.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
conclusions:
-memorize Scripture
-pray lots for change
--learn to rest from work
well here goes:
this is kind of random, but just now i had a flash of thought run through my mind--should i make this blog private? but i've been so against it up until now. i mean it's already not really public in a sense because people don't know about it unless i give them the link. and i do know some other people who do that. and the thing is, i'm not really ashamed of anything i write in here. all the things i write are a reflection of my innermost thoughts that i just need to process through. and by allowing others to read it, i'm trying to be transparent about the struggles and changes i'm going through. at the same time, i'm not asking for sympathy. rather, as a way of keeping in touch for some, although i don't write in a very diary version. i guess more than anything it's to document revelations I have for myself and perhaps be able to reach out to others at the same time. however, i realized that although for the most part i write about myself, i need to be careful for others and their privacy. i don't believe i have ever mentioned names in a harsh bashing way because i'm careful to avoid that becuase i need to protect the people. the people around me will naturally know who i am talking about since they are involved in my daily life, but that's fine because if they weren't my friends or spent time with me they wouldn't know. anyways, i hope i will continue to be aware of this and never hurt anyone who might possibly read this.
to be honest, this is kind of a strange habit i have, rambling. haha it was funny because today, my old bible quizzing director was talking about the importance of listening to someone. and this is definitely something i have learned over the years. naturally, i am a talker. i guess this is what makes me an extravert. like this blog, i could go on and on, about nothing. is it to hear myself speak? maybe a little bit [wow, that's so narcisstic] but more than anything, i think it's bored. for me, sometimes when you are in the middle of doing something, you dont want to stop doing it because you don't want to change and do something else. it's the sloth in me. this paragraph is really shining a poor light on me. haha. for most of my friends, they know i'm a talker. funny i also ask people a lot of questions though because i love hearing about other's lives. it's important to me. but then, i always want to respond. which is what i have been learning about. sometimes when people rant, they just want someone to listen to, especially if they don't know you well. of course you mean well, but who is to say that you know the whole sitaution? sometimes feelings are hard and people's hearts are hardened. i think this has something to do with my savior complex. wanting to help people, but it can go far into not being sensitive enough to other's needs. so over the years i've been working at it. trying to practice more the discipline of silence, especially since according to the Bible, a gentle and quiet spirit for a female is pleasing.
that goes into the topic of patience. gosh, i'm kind of annoyed about this. this has been a discipline i've been trying to learn, but why am i still failing at it? okay, now this is speaking into another part of my life, success driven. looks like there are many things to be handing over to God in the upcoming years. i mean in the past, i had an anger problem, but looking back God has really healed me of those temper tantrums. even though i'm not sure how/why. i guess this also speaks into something else about God. sometimes people go through much pain and they keep praying to ask Him to take it away and yet it still seems to remain there. of course, it can be their fault because they aren't actively doing anything about it. but sometimes it's just waiting on God's own times. then funnily, there are other times where God takes it right away, immediately like a miracle. so with this success driven nature of mine and also impatience-will it be fast or slow. one thing for sure is, i don't think i've been praying enough about it and having really been committing it to God.
bringing to next point--in Sunday school we talked about life transformation, something i really love about being a Christian, when God turns around someone's life/heart. it's a beautiful thing, as I have seen in my life. we've been looking at ephesians-put off the old clothes, renew your mind, and put on the new. renewing your mind is constant and one sure way is to memorize Scripture. that's something i said i was going to do this past school year, but have not really pulled through; but after memorizing again a chapter for bible quizzing, i'm going to start again. Bible Quizzing really has been such saving grace in my life. knowing the Word has helped me persevere and given me wisdom to offer others. i'm thinking of going through galatians, ephesians, philippians and colossians. maybe that can be my goal. at the same time, i've thought about memorizing verses separately all over the Bible. still food for thought, but i definitely will do at least one verse a week. i also think this will be good practice for the rest of my life but especially in grad school, since I will be without community. i am anticipating it, going into the real world. i'm definitely really excited to be teaching and interacting with students. i'm also excited to gain ideas from other teachers. however, i'm not really a drinker, especially since i'm underage, i've never drank. i mean it's better since i am turning 21 in october. but i really have little desire. i think the only thing will be to socialize with some co workers but getting really drunk is not my idea of fun. i will also need to take this before the Lord. i can be very judgmental and it's really not my place. i need to know how to use this privilege when i turn 21 wisely. how to use it for God's glory. hm.
but something that i really need to put off as i have realized this week is my success driven attitude, my workaholism. i need to learn to let go and let God. God is good and he has good plans for me. "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3
Sometimes nothing more important to do is prayer. we need to be in constant communication with God daily more than anything else we do. i think i need to remember this. sometimes in a day, i will be so busy doing other things and the funny thing is lots of them have the purpose of wanting to glorify God, like dship and small group and meeting up with people. not saying that all those things aren't good. but i have just been reminded of the martha story. Mary sat there listening at Jesus' feet despite all the things that needed to be prepared in the house. i am just like Martha, with the busyness and through that she become frustrated at her sibligns and angry. wow, i do feel that way sometimes. i really need to know when to sit and let God give me strength.
however, the other thing that kind of annoys me is my low ability to take change. i stress so easily every time circumstances change. i think this has a lot to do with things not going my way and when my schedule is ruined that bothers me. i'm also lazy and procrastinate so sometimes that harms the plan too. so i need to be self controlled and persevering in the necessary and important things because these are hte fruits of hte spirit. i will be battling against human flesh so it's not always easy but I hav ehte Holy Spirit so I should be able to overcome the temptation but that's also why accountability is important and why we need community. however, i also need to remember that God has better plans than all, so even if my own plans are disturbed, i need to accepting and loving towards it. i need to change my heart. rather, God change my heart and take away these anxious feelings.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
conclusions:
-memorize Scripture
-pray lots for change
--learn to rest from work
Thursday, May 5, 2011
thoughts running through my mind
this is going to be a lot like a diary entry of things I did, but I really have to think through events that have been happening lately. hadn't much time to process, been strangely busy.
it's been good because i've been driving lots. i drove for about two hours on the way back to NY from toronto and that actually gave me a lot of practice for changing lanes and also how to drive longer distances. i think i've really been gaining more and more confidence, praise God. it's coming faster than i expected because i really could not envision myself ever driving alone or much, but now i'm starting to get more comfortable and feel pretty safe most of the time. my parents have been really good and smart about letting me drive often, which will be needed because i am getting a car in california and i will have to drive a lot to get groceries and go to work and church. i might also have to carpool people and i know my parents don't want that, but i have a month to persuade them. i agree it might be dangerous so i'll do my best to make sure i don't need to drive people but it may be hard because not many people have cars in the STEP program.
speaking of, i am getting kind of nervous for the upcoming program. i've been meaning to talk to my parents about it and such because it usually makes me feel better, it's hard to keep all my feelings inside, especially if they are related to anxiety. i know i will love and enjoy teaching and i'll be super busy anyways. but this program is for a whole year. so i really need a community. i have heard that people within STEP become close to each other, but frankly, when i look at the people in the fb group, sometimes i feel so distant. i think it's a result from being definitely one of the youngest but also because i am Christian. i know I can be friends with others too, but sometimes our values are so different it can make it difficult. i just want to be respected for who i am as well. not to be peer pressured into doing something that i may not care about or enjoy. anyways, i have told people about this concern and i know some are praying for me, so thank you. i have started praying about it this morning so hopefully i will consistent in taking this up to God and leaving it with Him. i know I should not be continuously worried after this. on a side note, a praise. i finally contact an older sister that went to Stanford in her undergrad years from my home church and she responded quite fast. i guess God is trying to show me not to worry. she was really nice, willing to meet up with me and talk more about church options. it's kind of funny, at the rate things are going, i may very well end up going to intervarsity grad fellowship, even though that is not what i want initially, since i do want to join a church, but you never know with the circumstances right? whatever God's will may be for me to grow more and be useful for Him. i am just really thankful for a resource out in California, especially near Stanford since I don't know many people there.
side note: i am a little ashamed of sharing this for whoever reads, and i have thought about NOT blogging this, but i'm just going to go ahead and talk about it anyways, because i need to think it through. the human fleshy side of me that longs for a relationship tells me that i need to join an Asian fellowship or even a Cantonese one where the guys are semi attractive. i'm so ashamed of this kind of thinking. i didn't even know it existed. maybe what is stemming out of this is a human desire to be in a romantic relationship, but it's funny because at the same time, i'm also really scared to be in a relationship. in fact, i can barely imagine being in one. i'm so used to being single and taking care of myself and of course of those in my family, but to be always thinking for another person all the time, i'm not sure if i am ready for that. i don't know if i can be that selfless or dependent. which is another scary thought, because i kind of don't want to be alone either. i have this thought that runs through my mind that i will find someone to date in graduate school, so maybe this is where the pressure is coming from. it's weird because those two feelings are paradoxical. and to be honest, in a sense, i think it is right to say that the right person who comes along will be during a time when i am not thinking about these things at all. it's not that i don't want them, but it's just not as fantastical as i make it out to be. i think God wants me to be realistic about the situation and He has been doing good works in me throughout college. giving me confidence as to who i am as a woman in Him. He wants me to solely depend on Him, which is why He has been stripping away my desire for dramas [granted that i knew they were bad for me also because they were giving me false ideas about romantic relationships between males and females] but also the addiciton would not be healthy to my future. He wants me to live for Him and I do as well, I don't ever want to change because of a guy or anything, but only because of God. I know that God uses people to hone and change us and I'm fine with that, because I've learned a lot through my friends' experiences, but I never want to use a guy to change me. it works for some people, as in when they get into a relationship they mature much more and such, but i guess I just never wanted that to be an instigator in my life. also, God has been teaching me how beautiful i am and how i need to not have such low body image of myself. sometimes i forget about it in the busyness of life, which is a good side effect, but it doesn't solve the actual problem of how i am dissatisfied and according to my parents, i really shouldn't be because He's blessed me with so much, which is true. in light of all hard diseases, what is how I look like matter in the end? sigh, difficulties of being a girl and dealing with sinful nature.
self control and learning not to have idols, but to depend on God for strength--
i need to pray for a pure mind and thoughts and for pure motivations when i find a fellowship. i need to be focused on Him and how He wants to hone me. He will take care of me. I am nervous for sure, but He is good.
last thing: devotions this morning once again helped me to realign to His kingdom. I am often sidetracked by my own desires, which is basically what this entire post is about, since i mainly talked about my worries and such. i really need to pray for these things, which i have started to, and lift them up to God but also view them in His light. i am reading revelations right now and i'm on chapter 5. today it talked about who was worthy to open the scrolls and only one person is, Jesus Christ, who shed His blood for us and was the Lamb and sacrifice for our sins. as a result, we are forever indebted to Him. in this light, i am reminded that He is the purpose my life and reason for why I live. all other things I am worried about are not worth much in the end, right? of course, i still need to live in this world, but how much emphasis i put on something should be different from the rest. in the end, it's all to His glory.
it's been good because i've been driving lots. i drove for about two hours on the way back to NY from toronto and that actually gave me a lot of practice for changing lanes and also how to drive longer distances. i think i've really been gaining more and more confidence, praise God. it's coming faster than i expected because i really could not envision myself ever driving alone or much, but now i'm starting to get more comfortable and feel pretty safe most of the time. my parents have been really good and smart about letting me drive often, which will be needed because i am getting a car in california and i will have to drive a lot to get groceries and go to work and church. i might also have to carpool people and i know my parents don't want that, but i have a month to persuade them. i agree it might be dangerous so i'll do my best to make sure i don't need to drive people but it may be hard because not many people have cars in the STEP program.
speaking of, i am getting kind of nervous for the upcoming program. i've been meaning to talk to my parents about it and such because it usually makes me feel better, it's hard to keep all my feelings inside, especially if they are related to anxiety. i know i will love and enjoy teaching and i'll be super busy anyways. but this program is for a whole year. so i really need a community. i have heard that people within STEP become close to each other, but frankly, when i look at the people in the fb group, sometimes i feel so distant. i think it's a result from being definitely one of the youngest but also because i am Christian. i know I can be friends with others too, but sometimes our values are so different it can make it difficult. i just want to be respected for who i am as well. not to be peer pressured into doing something that i may not care about or enjoy. anyways, i have told people about this concern and i know some are praying for me, so thank you. i have started praying about it this morning so hopefully i will consistent in taking this up to God and leaving it with Him. i know I should not be continuously worried after this. on a side note, a praise. i finally contact an older sister that went to Stanford in her undergrad years from my home church and she responded quite fast. i guess God is trying to show me not to worry. she was really nice, willing to meet up with me and talk more about church options. it's kind of funny, at the rate things are going, i may very well end up going to intervarsity grad fellowship, even though that is not what i want initially, since i do want to join a church, but you never know with the circumstances right? whatever God's will may be for me to grow more and be useful for Him. i am just really thankful for a resource out in California, especially near Stanford since I don't know many people there.
side note: i am a little ashamed of sharing this for whoever reads, and i have thought about NOT blogging this, but i'm just going to go ahead and talk about it anyways, because i need to think it through. the human fleshy side of me that longs for a relationship tells me that i need to join an Asian fellowship or even a Cantonese one where the guys are semi attractive. i'm so ashamed of this kind of thinking. i didn't even know it existed. maybe what is stemming out of this is a human desire to be in a romantic relationship, but it's funny because at the same time, i'm also really scared to be in a relationship. in fact, i can barely imagine being in one. i'm so used to being single and taking care of myself and of course of those in my family, but to be always thinking for another person all the time, i'm not sure if i am ready for that. i don't know if i can be that selfless or dependent. which is another scary thought, because i kind of don't want to be alone either. i have this thought that runs through my mind that i will find someone to date in graduate school, so maybe this is where the pressure is coming from. it's weird because those two feelings are paradoxical. and to be honest, in a sense, i think it is right to say that the right person who comes along will be during a time when i am not thinking about these things at all. it's not that i don't want them, but it's just not as fantastical as i make it out to be. i think God wants me to be realistic about the situation and He has been doing good works in me throughout college. giving me confidence as to who i am as a woman in Him. He wants me to solely depend on Him, which is why He has been stripping away my desire for dramas [granted that i knew they were bad for me also because they were giving me false ideas about romantic relationships between males and females] but also the addiciton would not be healthy to my future. He wants me to live for Him and I do as well, I don't ever want to change because of a guy or anything, but only because of God. I know that God uses people to hone and change us and I'm fine with that, because I've learned a lot through my friends' experiences, but I never want to use a guy to change me. it works for some people, as in when they get into a relationship they mature much more and such, but i guess I just never wanted that to be an instigator in my life. also, God has been teaching me how beautiful i am and how i need to not have such low body image of myself. sometimes i forget about it in the busyness of life, which is a good side effect, but it doesn't solve the actual problem of how i am dissatisfied and according to my parents, i really shouldn't be because He's blessed me with so much, which is true. in light of all hard diseases, what is how I look like matter in the end? sigh, difficulties of being a girl and dealing with sinful nature.
self control and learning not to have idols, but to depend on God for strength--
i need to pray for a pure mind and thoughts and for pure motivations when i find a fellowship. i need to be focused on Him and how He wants to hone me. He will take care of me. I am nervous for sure, but He is good.
last thing: devotions this morning once again helped me to realign to His kingdom. I am often sidetracked by my own desires, which is basically what this entire post is about, since i mainly talked about my worries and such. i really need to pray for these things, which i have started to, and lift them up to God but also view them in His light. i am reading revelations right now and i'm on chapter 5. today it talked about who was worthy to open the scrolls and only one person is, Jesus Christ, who shed His blood for us and was the Lamb and sacrifice for our sins. as a result, we are forever indebted to Him. in this light, i am reminded that He is the purpose my life and reason for why I live. all other things I am worried about are not worth much in the end, right? of course, i still need to live in this world, but how much emphasis i put on something should be different from the rest. in the end, it's all to His glory.
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