so after one day of blogging and saying that one reason why i haven't blogged much is because i haven't had much to say because of the busyness and BANG today God spoke to me. the wonders of doing devotions and deciding to recommit myself in terms of being more faithful to Him--He is really so good.

in the most unexpected of ways of course. God used the Wow Hits 2012 CD worship song to speak to me. which is why i wanted my brother to get me that cd in the first place. i realized even though i just like listening to music for the beats and not really the words, i think slowly i've been changing, especially now that i drive. i really like singing along if i'm alone in the car and it's really an enjoyable time. also God has really used those words to start seeping into my brain so i'm glad that i've made the conscious decision to try listening to Christian music to help focus myself. it's really a nice and enjoyable time with God, a nice break in the busyness of life.

so here's the song that God used today:
song: you are more-artist: tenth avenue north
you are more than the choices that you've made
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes
you are more than the problems you create
you've been remade


cause this is not about what you've done
but what's been done for you
this is not where you've been
but where your brokenness brings you to

the eye opening part was the chorus shown above. i think i was pretty shocked when i thought about the first line that i was singing along to. shocked as in, i did a double take. i was like, did they choose the lyrics correctly? because y'know that's what society and the majority of it is always communicating to us. with all those self help books and whatnot. and though sometimes the ideas in society seem like they are trying to help you and might not be so bad, when you really look at it, at its motivations and focuses, you come to this realization that it makes people delusional about the real truth. so this was kind of a scary moment yet I rejoiced at the same time upon discovering this nugget of misconception that i held in my brain. God was able to reveal truth to me instead. i feel that even in the church possibly, you will hear some people talking about independence and doing the right thing, but in the end, the focus is on you you you. when it should be on God God God. and i think the key part of this song is that it doesn't say that you shouldn't make your own choices and learn from your mistakes. rather, who we are as Christians is much more than just that and we need to remember that. there's a line in the song near the beginning that says "are you in over your head" and i really think that sets the tone for the rest of the words. the song's focus is to remind Christians of the cross of Christ and what He did for us. i think especially growing up in the church, sometimes it can get muddy, serving in the church when my focus becomes unclear and more self righteous than about pleasing and loving God. this is such a good reminder. i think i've been having a very humbling experience here at Stanford with the lack of community. God has been good and provided a wonderful church for me and i have met some really solid Christians. it's really cool though sometimes i would like to get to know them more and spend even more time with them. but I really can see where He is taking care of me throughout. He's given me great master teachers to learn from and I am so blessed with that because it's so important during the student teaching experience. I'm falling deeper in love with teaching and its rigor and i believe that choosing this program was a good decision because i'm learning so much and i agree with so many of its ideologies. of course, I don't want to be brainwashed either in terms of worldliness so I need to stay connected to God. and like I've said before this year is a good test for that. community is important and i am still experiencing some of it, but i also need to develop my relationship with God more. He's always there but I just need to turn to Him and give Him the time of day. though it is refreshing to remember that I am saved by grace and not by anything I do to make myself feel more justified. He must become greater, I must become less.

haven't written in a long time. but not much has been happening also so that's also why.

anyways, a thought that came across my mind today.
i've been really impatient lately with the people around me. for some reason, in the past few days, random things having been popping up-sudden assignments to implement in the next few weeks (normal i guess for this program) but then lots of requests from people to do a favor for them, like carpooling and using my printer. and to be honest, i really haven't had the best attitude. and it shows. it's so obvious. i doubt those people will read this, though if they do i am sincerely sorry. it is such a bad Christian testimony of me. afterall love is supposed to be patient. that's the first describing word in 1 corinthians 13. but that's always been the one i struggled with the most. haha, though i must admit they're all quite a challenge. anyways, i feel like patience is so difficult for me. i wonder if it's growing up in ny and wanting to get things done quickly is a mentality from the East Coast. i also think a bit is my own personality. i have a drive and like things to be done and off my plate so i don't have to think about it anymore, which is very selfish of me actually because sometimes i don't take into consideration other's schedules.

but back to the main idea, i really think God has been testing me. or maybe that's not an accurate statement since I do not know what this testing is towards. i mean i know in the sense that it's for the "greater good" aka it's definitely testing my perseverance in a sense and refining my faith to be steadfast in my attitude and humble even when i am tired. i have learned from this program how weak I really am mentally and in terms of self control. i am so busy and my brain feels like it's always turned on except for when i sleep. i am constantly thinking of teaching. don't get me wrong--i really love it. and the intellectual part of it is awesome, thinking what's the best way to reach my students and how they can most benefit. but it's so tiring because of the addition of the master's program and all the assignments and readings we do. they are pretty useful and i think i'm learning a ton from the program--the only problem is there is no time to rest. no time to stop and reflect. i'm considering picking up a Sabbath again because i really need it. God has been good and i haven't really been that stressed to be honest. just physically exhausted. but i'm turning in my assignments on time and staying on top of everything so far. it helps that my social life is way scaled back, though now i'm just used to it and don't mind it so much. especially since it's just for a year. it's also nice because i always have people from the program to bond with. also my roommates from time to time.

but all in all, this post is about me being a jerk and how i need to stop. i want to embody more of Christ in how i respond to others. i need to have a more willing attitude to help others. but it is so hard with the busyness and tiredness. i am really experiencing the idea that love is not convenient. whatsoever. in fact, that kindness of love in my words is often lacking. i've sort of apologized after the initial =_= and acted preppy afterwards whenever they thanked me trying to make conversation but i want to take away that initial =_=. i need to work on that. rather, i need to spend more time in devotions and let God carry me. He's been really good an faithful to me. it's my turn now.