a few thoughts: our personal/unique mission in life is when we do what God has created us to do that makes us the most fulfilled and at the same time fulfills a great need in the world. reading through an old journal from back when I did my first missions trip: was told by the leader that I had the gift of encouragement and discernment, which surprises me. granted one of my friends told me that he thought the gift of encouragement is true, simply based on the fact that i'm very positive and smile a lot. hahaha. i don't know if that's considered "encouragement" though. i do like to encourage and bless others on their gifts and talents when writing birthday cards because i see qualities that are good and i want them to be affirmed by it. but i don't feel like i do it enough verbally in front of people because i may be embarrassed to do so sometimes? is it the fact that I have the desire to encourage others, that's why? or maybe because i am an eternal optimist and i really believe in people's abilities? not sure, but it's an interesting thought to consider. as for discernment, yesterday my pastor's wife actually mentioned that to me. or was it my old youth pastor? haha not sure. but i was sharing about my church/my life plans and then they were like that's discernment. it was either concerning the fact about whether or not a church is following the true God or what God is calling me to do next. I don't know if i would say that i have the "gift" though. because doesn't that mean i am able to discern what God's will is? or what God thinks? i mean i do admit there are times where someone will say something that is "biblical" but i don't know how i feel about that topic or statement based on the sole reason that something may feel off about it or not completely biblical. i am also very introspective so that may also be a part of it. interesting...food for thought. the other thing i am supposed to be thinking about is whether competition and winning is something that is ordained by God? like is it right to have that spirit of competition of wanting to win or be the best you can be? i think in the sense that it is good to be the best that God created you to be in order to glorify him is fine and all. another thing. to remember that during the time of singleness, one must remember that she only belongs to God and "herself" and not to give herself away so easily, physically and emotionally. Lord please let my eyes be continually fixed on You and Your plans, that I would not be sidetracked but I would always seek your will for my life in every circumstance and that my world view can be revolutionarized and changed to conform to your will.

first post of 2013!

it's been awhile since I've posted and I didn't think I'd come back to post, but for some reason, with all the free time I have, now that I'm done with school, I decided to read this blog yesterday.  Really, all my ramblings and musings were very interesting and it reminds me of the different things i thought about.  all that to say: i was amused and encouraged by what i wrote and it shows the growth i've had so that's why i've decided to return to blogging periodically.  I do still journal, but a lot of times, those thoughts can be rather private and repetitive where as blogging gives me a chance to entertain slightly different ideas.

i thought it would be befitting to think about my first year teaching experience.  it was pretty entertaining to read my own blog and see how fascinated i was with myself when i completed teaching 100 minutes for the first time.  to just think, i have just completed a full year of full-time teaching.  the comparison is daunting and crazy.

i think i adjusted to teaching rather quickly.  in this second semester, it almost seemed second nature to me and now that i'm done with school, i'm actually a little...bored.  i didn't think this would be possible but i think a big reason is that i no longer really watch dramas.  most of my free time is spent with friends, and grading at coffee shops.  i still read two blogs on dramas, but i don't spend too much time being engrossed in dramas.  i just think that teaching takes a lot of mental energy and actual time.  i come home and i'm exhausted.  i'm also spending time catching up with college friends on webcam and such on the weekdays.  as i told people, my E side really comes in the second semester (same as last year) where i just want to hang out with people all the time.  i think i can enjoy time by myself when i'm watching drama but other than that, it's actually quite boring.  this is an interesting realization in it of itself.  i mean i always want to wean myself off dramas completely and in a sense, i think it's happening.  i think a part of it is outgrowing it and a part of it is no longer finding interest in lots of dramas and having no energy to rewatch something old from the beginning.  i'm trying to pick up reading this summer (like a good English teacher should) so hopefully that will work out.  i think i've gotten into the habit of sleeping "early" at least not past 1, which is good and healthy.  i realized what my friend Mimi said: once you enter the working world, it IS kind of boring when all your friends are working and you're not.  now i understand what she means.  at the same time, i am glad i didn't do summer school since i still want that space to relax.  there are still lots of errands for me to run and a part of me just wants to play with my friends all the time, i think.  however, i can still balance that by forcing myself to do some work while my friends are at work and then hanging out with them afterwards.  and i have been creating lists and crossing off things as i come to it.  but i'm thinking next summer, i may actually not mind working as long as it's not the whole summer and there's not work AFTER work.  at least i'll be doing KAC at church and my brother is coming and i'm going home to NY.  most likely i'll work in NY if i don't find something to do in CA afterwards.

i think overall i was able to use my time in planning more efficiently in the second semester and i got a lot more EFFICIENT with the grading though i'm going to need to continue to plan and figure that out for next year since i still did not end up grading some assignments.  sigh.  at least, i will be teaching the same two courses next year though i'll have two English II =_=  but i should be content with my lot as it is.  i can spend more time developing the English II courses. I was much wiser in using my prep period with the planning and since i will have most of my powerpoints made and such, it should be easier next year.

i'm really thankful for my church this year.  i read my previous posts about last year's church and i was also really excited about my church then, but this year, i'm thankful for the friends and the fellowship God provided that i didn't even expect.  that was my prayer last year and God has fulfilled it in an amazing way.  i'll be honest--i doubted Him, that He would answer this prayer.  not that I didn't think He could do it, but for some reason, I questioned Him why He didn't do that for me last year already. but you know, last year was a good experience for me of how it is possible to be in a church and not be involved and how that can affect one's relationship with God.  I am so thankful for this church in many different ways. I love their mission-oriented heart and desire to send people out to do missions, since that is something close to my heart: to evangelize both to the local people in our neighborhood (something that I think is very cool) as well as globally.  it's so cool to see that they have an orphanage in China as well as teaching ESL to the local community, two things close to my heart.  God really led me to this church to help develop and prepare me for the missions He has in mind for me in the future.  i'm glad for the friendships i was able to develop with the girls in the fellowship, each relationship a very different type, but all meaningful conversations and fun times together.  i've integrated in the church and families have welcomed me.  i've also gotten to know various people through retreats and fellowship gatherings--God has shown me how important it is to step out of my comfort zone to form the community around me.  I believe this is an important skill He is teaching me for the future as I will continue to displace myself in different places to do His will wherever He leads me.  I also love the hearts of the young people in my fellowship and how they are fervent for the Lord and actually have a personal relationship with Him.  I have seen so many people who have grown up in the church and fall away or never really had that intimate relationship so it's refreshing and encouraging to see this of the next generation.  Their heart and desire to serve the Lord allows us to see eye to eye but also spurs me further towards my own faith, which is the way it's supposed to be according to Hebrews.  I've been pushed to grow more in my faith, especially in my daily quiet times with God, to really get to know His true character much better, an important discipline to have in order to be properly fueled for each day.

james chapter 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

 good reminder from my Savior today and this also explains the approach to prayer I often have (which I have found to be fruitful) confessing, giving thanks, then supplication. it helps you put into perspective God's purposes and your own humanity.

 this is also an encouraging verse to me that I need to continually grow in the Lord to become a prayer warrior and one that He can entrust His good work. I do not think I am there at all yet but I need to strive to become closer to Him even now.

the world we live in

so i just watched a video on some girl's opinion of marriage.

 and i think that if I had watched this a few years ago, I would have agreed with her, or i would not have known how to respond adequately.

 to summarize the video: the girl was basically saying that she thinks marriage is a choice between two people and no one else should really be involved. as she was speaking, she made me realize what the overall worldview we are taught so prevalently in society today in America: you mind your own business and i'll take care of mine.

 however, this is very selfish way of thinking. in fact, in my first year of undergrad, i used to think "to each his own" when it came to biblical interpretation. and it was not until my dad started seminary and i started to read his papers that God began to open my eyes about this issue. that there is a right way to interpret the Bible but there may be multiple ways to APPLY it. the Bible is meant to be interpreted as it was taught to those people of that time. which makes total sense when you think about it because the words that Jesus spoke, He was trying to communicate an important message to the people He was ministering at that time. however, because nowadays we are so far removed, it becomes increasingly difficult for us, without proper studying, to understand the true intent behind God's words.

 i felt ashamed when i realized that i used to think it was up to one's interpretation when it came to reading the Bible (to an extent of course). similarly, i felt that this video was very reflective of the beliefs that society strongly supports. everyone has a right to themselves and their own lives. but the reality is God created us and we are meant to worship Him and glorify Him. today i began to understand my personal dilemma in ministry. while I realize her incorrect point of view and where it is stemming from, at the same time, I do not condone some Christian people's response to her (as in the way they respond). to me, this sensitivity has a negative side because it has made me less bold in my faith. I think God was telling me today that the gospel REQUIRES a response. i've always known that intellectually, but as I analyze the way people think in America, I realized that there is no way to go about this issue without an overwhelming response from the opposing side. i still think there are more appropriate ways to approach this topic, but it's tricky.

 in all honesty, the way i would approach this issue might just be to circumvent it. cause i've always been a firm believer that if the argument is pointless (as in if you are arguing for the sake of getting your point across) then there is no point. nevertheless, the truth needs to be proclaimed. for me, it's always been more of show them what it means to be a believer and why people are believers in the first place before addressing such "controversial" issues that may end up in nonfruitful discussions. Because I believe that God will reveal His truth when people accept Him as their Savior. It may not all happen right away but He will peel away the lies as they continually depend on Him.

memorizing/meditation

this is what will keep me going this week:


philippians 4

v13-I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. [includes teaching credential/videoing, assignments, final unit plan, work applications--i will make it through as long as I rely on God, no matter the time]

v6-7--do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [reminder to self: trust in the Lord. if i am worrying, pray and remember that God is good, He is sovereign and all plans are in His hands. He knows what's best for me and throughout my life, He has proven to me over and over again, that He has my best interest in mind. by praying, God will give me a peace the world cannot provide. moreover, this peace is the peace that I am saved, I am God's child and I have eternal life and the gospel. this peace is something I have to hold onto in faith because despite what my sinful nature may say, God is above all and He can protect me from wrong thoughts and feelings.]

amen.

hebrews 4 reminders

entering into the sabbath needs to be by faith alone. i read an interesting commentary. sabbath rest refers to resting in Jesus and reveling at the work He did. He has already completed for us what needs to be done by His death on the cross. so we are to rest in Him all the time.

these were comforting words for me today as the time is near for me to implement my teaching event that will determine whether i get a credential. i needed to be reminded: God called me into this profession and boy am I ever glad and thanking Him for knowing me so well. but at the same time, I need to not forget that I am doing His work. i should not panic and worry needlessly about whether i will get my credential, how my kids will behave while i videotape. rather, i need to pray increasingly more [and have started] and trust in God.

this is a way of humbling me so that I do not get prideful about my work as a teacher. i am by far from perfect so I need to rely on Christ and hope His love shines through me. i need to rest in the fact that Jesus has already won the battle for living for me, and rather than panic, i should simply enjoy life's pleasures and blessings.

comfort

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.--Philippians 1:6

from the sunday sermon:
my pastor said that whenever he asked someone, how are you doing in your spiritual life? many times they would respond not doing so well, haven't done my devotions in a long time or haven't been praying etc.

then pastor brought up the fact that many of what people would say in response to this question is about what they HAVEN'T been doing. but he said that it's not about what YOU are doing. it's about what GOD is doing in you. and you can be confident [as it says in Philippians] that if you have handed your heart over to God, He will complete His good work in you no matter what.

this was so refreshing to hear, because i know sometimes as a Christian, I can get caught up in the doing. but this verse and the pastor's reminder woke me up to the fact that it is not about what I am doing and that I need to have faith that God will continue the work He is doing in me, despite the ups and downs.

[disclaimer: that is of course not an excuse to NOT do anything once you become a Christian. it simply means that we should not put such immense pressure on ourselves, but rather--trust Him.