so spring break has been good. it's been really fun traveling with these girls because we are all really chill and though I'm the planner, it's nice that no one is particularly forceful about going anywhere and we mesh well because of that. we all enjoy eating and have some things we are eager to do, but we haven't fought or anything like those horror stories you hear about people traveling together. praise God for the most part on not getting on each other's nerves =)

also, another big thing about spring break is that God has given me freedom through circumstances and allowed me to no longer tied to past wishes. He has done this twicefold for me and opened my eyes and satisfied my heart. He has really been faithful though I have also done my best to exert self control over situations. I really am learning this fruit of the spirit. I hope to continue to be able to trust in Him, with my future life and plans.

i need to keep my standards as long as they are rooted in God's word and not let myself slip because that's what God's plan would be for me.

the hope for a new approach to pride

i've been pretty frustrated at myself today/emotional about the pride and jealousy towards others. my dad has confirmed with me that it is my sinful nature.

it was really good talking to him, someone who has struggled similarly spiritually because he has so much more experience being a Christian. God really used my father today [as He did many times in the past] to speak into my life and affirm/encourage me about what approach i should take when confronted with my sinful nature that causes me sadness.

firstly, to thank God for revealing to me this side of me. secondly, to realize that all people, including me are essentially the same, sinful. the pride that has built up in my heart as a result of accomplishments/growth in my faith/being a Christian leader. today i realized once again that this is all due to God's grace. If He wants me to grow, He will allow me to grow. If He wants me to lead, He will give me the tools to do so. i think I have become too focused on myself that I forgot that God does all the allowing. Like someone said at MAC, God loves to use bad candidates. but regardless, He has the best plan in mind and whatever HIs will, as His child, I must obey. I can't forget that I am like all others, a sinner that is in need of God's grace and rescue. He is so good to me that sometimes I think I will forget this because I have been so caught up into thinking that I can do it. But it's not me, it's all Him. I really need to increasingly rely on Him.

in addition, it is kind of frustrating knowing this problem and wanting to become more humble and like Christ; however, at the same time, I know that there is nothing at all i can do in my power, even devotions or praying, that will MAKE me closer to God. Rather it is God that does the growing, the planting and harvesting in others as well as in me. interesting concept.

i am a sinner.

"yes, i understand"

when you make an argument/point
when you have a revelation
share it with someone else

but then that person says so matter of factly
"why, yes, i know this/have thought about this/know i have this problem"

well, then yes i admire you/now i feel stupid
you're probably also thinking this person JUST thought of this?!


but having a realization about something
and actually understanding it
regardless of if it is the first time
is just as significant

it's okay that the other person understand this already
that's fine
but their nonchalant answer
surprised at you
have they REALLY understood it?
does their life show that they understand it?

saying,"i know i have this problem"
in the back of my mind, that may bother me
understanding/awareness is important
are you even making an effort to change it?
it's bad NOT to understand
but to be complacent is just the same
it makes no difference
in fact, that's sinning.

hm, i haven't had much to REALLY post in a long time [i mean considering how i've decided to start posting this year]
actually, it's not so much about posting something, as it is that there's nothing currently on my mind [that isn't logistical about how i should do something]

i just went through, reading all the blogs that i follow, which isn't a lot. and it's encouraging to read the inner thoughts of my friends. in fact, a lot of their thoughts seems parallel to mine [not the experiences practically speaking, but their struggles with God and their faith/growth in Him]
what i learned at the gender retreat about cultivating a relationship with Him really applies: that the more you dive into your faith, the higher highs you have and the lower lows. and from reading my friend's blogs, i can say that this is true.
1-i have experienced this myself so it's really interesting having someone put in words some of my same sentiments, and seeing people struggle in this way. i know that God is doing a good work in them, although they are going through much pain and confusion. at the same time, i really understand, because I have experienced moments of intense pain and loneliness and confusion. at that time, you don't feel like God is near at all, though you KNOW He is and that's what you hold onto. it's really miraculous actually. and a beautiful picture.
in a way, i almost admire/envy these people because I want to continue to grow and experience Him internally. i've been doing lots of the things in His will-in discipleship and small group, but recently i've been feeling that it is a little repetitive and almost like doing the actions. i have been doing my devos, but i need to draw back to Him. i need to delve further. if anything, my prayer life has really been lacking and i know it. i've been slothlike and lazy, one of my usual problems.
it's interesting though because it does not seem like i am addicted to dramas anymore. i don't really watch old dramas and sometimes I read recaps, but i don't YEARN after them, the way i feel i used to. these days, i still waste time, on facebook, but it's not like i'm addicted to it, it's just to pass time. i think most of my time has actually been reading recipes and baking/cooking, but i guess that's a relatively healthy hobby. i also go to the gym and play DDR, when i'm not sick.

and then the rest of the time? i just sit there and waste time really. hmmm, i really should be more productive. like reading Christian books or whatnot, but i'm just too lazy. everything for me is stressful and goes on a list. why is this? i feel like there's a serious problem behind this. why is it that i get stressed and overwhelmed so easily when there is so much to do? is it because i feel an immense sense of responsibility? i mean if I do not do these things, the world will not end or anything. i think I need to readjust my idea of grace, that God has already great plans for me regardless of what i do and i am getting what i don't deserve, so no matter what i do, i won't be able to attain what i want to. there are so many things i want to improve in, to be the person i want to be--maybe this is the real problem. i am too focused on the outside, on what the world sees of me, on my own reputation. rather, I need to only adhere to God and really believe this. it cannot simply be something i say, some meaningless words.i want to look a certain way to others, i want to be accomplished by my standards, to feel self worth. but i am not really worth anything. only Christ matter. i need a rearrangement of my world view. --i need to put this in prayer--to be more like Christ and less like myself.

i thought about fasting. before when I did my drama fast, i really learned a lot about myself. because i was trying to depend on God. and then today, i had a passing thought, that maybe i should really fast from food. but i'm scared, as i've always been. i don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. furthermore, how can i say that it is only through fasting that i can feel nearer to God. this cannot be. it puts my body at a state that is increasing vulnerable, i agree with this, but i cannot just keep trying to fast for the rest of my life. my problem would not be solved. being a Christian cannot simply be a feeling. i want to grow, but growth is not anything that shoots up in a single day. it is through constant good disciplines that i can grow. and the disciplines, as God has already given me are: reading His word, prayer.

i need to pray more. this is for sure. maybe i'll start journaling more. this is pretty good. helps to clear my mind and rationally think everything out [this is what makes me a T, i guess?] but it's really helpful to come to these conclusions. afterall, often times that is how i grow. i need to learn how to obey God's word. most of all, i need less of myself and more of Him. how do I do that? I need to read more of His word. I need to keep asking myself how Jesus would react in a situation. it will not come natural to me. i am so fleshy and selfish and taking the MAC survey reminded just of my human nature, how I am so into self preservation [thank you american culture] and do not know how to really love and serve others in spite of pain. however, i know my Lord Jesus was one of the best examples of this. i need to learn this. please father, help me.

competition

is it that only when you think you will lose something to someone else,
that you start caring for that very thing?

does that speak only of a desire to be the winner,
or is it because you have only realized through your loss the value of that very thing?

i only thirst for more and more of You.
teach me Your ways, O Lord.

one month down. towards graduation.
it was a good month.

now, I need to refresh myself in Your presence.

just some thoughts.

i feel like i am very jealous for the affection of my peers. and affection does not mean a romantic sense even, but just to be given the attention unique only to me.

i know that this is something only God can fulfill in my heart. the desire to be the center. and though I know He loves me so, why do I still sometimes long for this. is it just my human fleshy self rising up against me?

do I simply try to shield off community sometimes as a protective method to ensure that I won't be left hanging at the end? if so, that's very selfish of me. [i mean, that doesn't really surprise me at all, but still]

i think i need to dive deeper in the gospel to a further understanding of more of Him and less of me because right now, in split instances, there's still LOTS of me.

phil 2:3 "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves"