losing motivation.

i must say that it's really uplifting to see what God has been doing in people's lives from my high school. i don't know if they'll ever read this post [i doubt it because people are not stalkers like i am xP] but just reading this one girl from my high school's blog-the realness of what she spoke about her faith, its ups and downs, made me really joyous, sincerely. perhaps this is a good indication that i will enjoy teaching and seeing development in people, even though it may not be in that instant, but hopefully God will work through me as a tool to help others out.

when i look back on it, i ponder upon my own changes as a person. sometimes i feel like i haven't really changed at all. i think the way i've reacted may have changed but overall one thing i definitely note is that i'm more like myself than ever in college, which I must praise God for. to make a long story short, in high school, i felt like i put up a facade a bit. i mean the thing is, that person was still me, but then it wasn't really me, but an aspect? i wasn't trying to be fake. i was just being a student. i think the fact that all i do is attend classes in school and not have time to seriously socialized affected my relationships with high school friends because they did not really know me. granted, i did not really relate to some of them also.

i think in college, i've gotten to understand myself as a Christian in a secular world better, especially my sins and problems have become more evident than ever. i have never wanted to change so much before. college is an interesting place i'll admit. my only question is: how can i make high school/middleschool or my own classroom mirror that type of environment for growth of students in the future? this is something i can only ask God to do.

last topic to touch on,
i've been struggling a lot with loneliness. this sounds weird and writing this on blog makes it seem i'm seeking for attention, and maybe i am but in a way i want to know people's opinions also. one of my friends always says that when you are sad/moody you should never be alone. however, the way i see it, as i was calming myself today, it's different for me. i think it's good for me to be alone in a way becuase that is when i truly process; however, that is only when i see the need and i guess i can miss that sometimes by running away to relax and watch drama. hm, interesting food for thought for later. anyways, i don't know where this loneliness is stemming from. i do have an idea but i'm still searching it. i feel like God wants me to have this though because He wants me to learn to depend solely on Him. i'm a strong believer that people should fellowship with others in order to grow and for accountability purposes, but at the same time, i think He wants me to learn to give everything up to Him alone and not look to anyone for comfort. He's taking away my parents from me this past week by making them really busy with life. in a way, it's good for me, to grow up and learn to stand on my own, well really, to stand on the solid rock of Christ. He can restore me completely so I should stop seeking. people will probably have very different views of this and so it might just be my personality that i do not want to burden others but i know i'm very needy. however, i want to learn to only be needy for Him. other people are helpful but it's not like that without them I'll fall apart. I'm still learning that.