listening to: se7en's "when I can't sing"

been meaning to write for awhile, so there's a ton of things i want to say. but for now, i'll just blog about this:
Ladies, please don't settle for less than what you deserve.

i was thinking about this concept for some time and thinking, why do i feel like this is a true statement (besides the obvious)?
in fact, i thought about writing this as a note on facebook instead of my blog so i could elicit responses from people, but i decided to wait it out a little bit because i don't want to offend people since sometimes people can really pick out words and it's hard to defend online.

so, first things first: this is what i have to say on my soapbox:
ladies, you are meant to be pursued by the guy. that is just how we are created-we have that need innately. do guys not have it? i think they do in some sense, but it descends as a different form for them. but for girls, this is an essential. if we are not properly pursued by the guy, we will always be doubting ourselves and whether the guy likes us or not. yes, this is the 21st century and girls should take some initiative. i totally agree with that. but here's what i mean: i don't mean that girls should do nothing but sit back and let the guy do all the chasing. no, girls, if you like the guy, or think that you might like him later, you need to show it [and of course eventually communicate that clearly to the guy as well]. please don't be ambiguous in your actions, because guys will get confused easily and they can't read your mind. i think that sometimes as females, we may treat the guys the same we do our girl friends and link arms, chat late night. but girls, you gotta realize that those are signs for [most] guys and they think you like them [of course this goes vice versa]. but girls need to be intentional and show her interest by allowing the guy to chase her and showing that she's interested. but ultimately, it should be the guy who initiates in the beginning.

i'm having a little trouble expressing what i mean without sounding traditional. but let me give the reasoning why i think females are meant to be pursued: i think inside each of us [guys included] there is a part of us that has the desire to be loved and chased after. we were created that way by God. i actually think i read this in captivating once. in a way, the way we are meant to be pursued will never be possible because people are selfish and scared to give so selflessly. so in a way, God fulfills that need. His endless pursuit of us and the great love He has for us despite how we fail Him. but because He is always there, we fail to see it sometimes. we take it for granted, like many other things.

hmm before i had a Bible verse that i read that echoed these same sentiments but for some reason, I can't find it right now. but i think it was talking about how God never gives up on us so we should respond in love towards Him. the thought was so refreshing to me in this context of dating/relationships. to be honest, this is an area that i haven't really thought about in this past year, but during the times that i've met up with friends in the past few months, it's been a topic that's come up and i see people getting mistreated emotionally as they are strung along, which led to this post and my thoughts on the issue.



ACTUALLY EVERYTHING AFTER THE LINE IS MUCH MORE COHERENT AND HAS THE MAIN POINT I WANT TO MAKE, SO:
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to conclude all these convoluted thoughts, ladies you deserve something better. because the King of the Universe was willing to die for you, despite you [and me and everyone else] not deserving it because we make mistakes and we are inherently sinful with false motivations--because the Creator of all forgave all of that and still said that YOU deserved His death-->therefore, in my book, i think that ladies [and men] you should never be treated and played around with your feelings. if the most powerful God died for you, who is to treat you poorly? you deserve better.

for me, i think a personal goal was that until i was completely fulfilled by God, i would never bother looking for romance. after all, no one can pursue me better than God. if I cannot learn to be satisfied by that, then that hole in my heart will never be satisfied because it is not something a human can fill. of course, i don't want to impose such an ultimatum on everyone else (especially those who are not Christians) but this is something i feel very strongly for myself, for a long time now. i think i'm reaching that place, or am closer than i was before, but still learning to be loved and let God take the lead.


really i hope you just read the above two paragraphs, since i think that's what i believe the most and would advise to others. but you can also see some of my thought process of why i think YOU deserve better. and who is better than God ;)

a new year with a new life

i just wanted to write some sort of corny heading. but as i signed into this blog after about a month and looked at my last post, i must say I really shift like the wind, though i've always known that about myself which is why i characterize myself as in between an I and E ;) i really had the best break ever this year. it was the most restful and enjoyable and everything i wanted it to be. truly, i am beginning to understand the importance of good rest that gears you up and readies you for the next long haul. of course, i don't want to be disillusioned either and become bitter as i am working. as pastor patrick said in today's sermon about the parable of the two servants, the lesson we can learn and apply to our lives as we wait for Jesus' coming is that we need to be faithful and wise in our work responsibilities. i am so glad he said this so clearly because sometimes when we are in a Christian bubble and especially during my undergrad years, you feel immense pressure to be super involved in the Christian org, sometimes to an unhealthy amount. i'm not going to go too into this because by all means, i am grateful and so thankful for what God did during my undergrad experience because it allowed me to grow individually in Him like no other and embrace my faith as my own. that part of my life had its place. but as i transition into the real world, once again i am reminded by my Lord that He has called me into teaching, since high school. since the beginning of this year [this past month] i have had two sundays that FOCUSED on the idea of calling in our lives as Christians. and now that Stanford program is in full swing, i finally have some time to sit back and reflect on what this new year brings and what I should focus on in this next half year. calling is something i explored immensely in my high school life so everytime it is brought up in sunday school and service, i am very certain of where i stand because of the doubt i previously had and how i explored it. but it has been good for God to bring this topic back in my life, to dumb down any pride I may have about knowing for sure where I want to be, but mainly because i needed the reminder and to review how all along God had been working in my life to prepare me for at least the next ten years. i am finally nearing the end of this "training" period in my life and time to enter the workplace where God has called me. i am of course excited but now uncertainties arise as I must apply for positions and figure out where God wants me. however, talking with parents has been a great help to me because i am reminded that because I am God's child, i need not worry like the others about finding a job. He will provide for me like He has always so faithfully done in the past. God has been so good to me to find things for me to do each summer. i need to reach another level of trust in Him by being faithful in doing my applications and using my time wisely, but then leaving up the decisions to Him and really praying it through.

that being said, in this next half year here are my current goals:
1-i want to be equipped to live the Christian life in the workplace, so i need to pray more regularly and do my devotions.
in practical terms, a new goal is to also start reading Christian books again so I plan on committing half an hour every other day to reading these books. things i need to pray for: guidance for next year's life [where to go] and love for my current students and to be the best teacher i could be and also a good witness in the classroom [to figure out how to do that] and to my peers and be loving and kind to others
2-i need to exercise continuous self control with foods by reducing my snack intake and replacing it with more fruits. i will try to find my strength and rely on God for help.

how we love and serve others is a direct indication of our relationship with God. I need Him more and I need to spend time with Him more so He can change my heart and attitude more and I can truly understand what loving and caring for others is.

push and pull

y'know i've really become a homebody halfway through this program. my myers briggs I levels are probably out of this world now. i was laying in my bed thinking: do i want to go to this event i know is going on tomorrow? not really...that has been my response in the past two weeks and maybe the last month. some of it might be due to the fact that i know i'm only going to be here for three more weeks so in my mind, the logical thing to do is to sit in my room and vegetate because time will pass quicker that way? obviously false. but for some reason, knowing that i'll be going home soon, i just don't want to go out. is it because subconsciously i know that i will be hanging out with people when i get home so i'm hibernating to prepare myself. i don't really think so. so then is it because i'm under the impression that if i stick it out and stay at home, i can get done all that needs to be done early before break begins so that i won't have to worry/think about when break comes? i think some of that is true and it's the common way of thinking in most people. however, i think that only makes sense is if you're trying to finish that work since it could possibly interfere with your break. but my deadlines are all before break, so OBVIOUSLY it's not going to interfere with my actual break.

i think i'm coming to the conclusion that i'm becoming a workaholic. which equates to being a restless person. i'm always fidgeting and used to being productive/have some big project coming up that i need to do. and to be honest, after this three week break, i'm going to be plowing through another half year so this mentality is not exactly wrong. and let's be really honest, i'm probably a workaholic at heart, a little bit. yet at the same time, i can be so extremely lazy and wanting to relax all the time, it's just a dichotomy that doesn't really seem to work yet for some reason it exists in my life. and STEP has somehow made me become more of a workaholic, as in during the break, if i don't have any work, i get antsy and slightly bored and need to DO something. productive that is. i never had that problem before. i could always entertain myself easily with watching dramas or reading mangas. not that those things don't interest me anymore of course. now it's changed to a different nature. watching movies and such has been something i do to procrastinate [though i only procrastinate a little bit now] and more than anything it's to get my mind off things. i think it's because i cannot be STILL. hm, this may be an issue. because that's the whole idea of sabbath. letting go and believing in God to provide for you during that time.

yeah it's been hard for me to sit down and journal/blog since i'm always busy and then when i have "free" time i don't really want to think or write any more since i feel like i'm writing all the time for papers anyways. and i don't feel like reading sometimes because i always have things TO read. which may also be an issue. it's kind of like i want to keep fidgeting to allow time to pass so therefore there is no time to really spend with God wholeheartedly because I cannot sit back and let Him work.

i think i'm also getting anxious now that i'm done with my last paper. and ready to go home.

what else did i want to say before concluding? ah yes being a homebody. yeah i wonder if i've become like this because i am always out so i always savor the moments when i can stay in to "recharge" in a sense since that has always been a necessity in my life. as much as i love people and enjoy being with them, i also need and enjoy me time. i know i'm not completely an introvert because i do enjoy going to school in the mornings and seeing people and socializing with some friends that i've made in the program. maybe what i am trying to avoid is NEW experiences that are not part of my daily routine. because going to church and prayer group, though i do have to prod myself a little, for the most part, it's pretty easy to motivate myself to go. but for outside events that upset my schedule, it's been hard to make time to do it. maybe it just shows my inflexibility. i wonder...

but as i was saying, it might be because i'm out all the time anyways so that may be why. early in the mornings, then i have three hours at home, time to sleep and eat and relax a bit and do hw. then i have class and then four hours at night to do the same. so i'm out normal hours like someone who has a job and goes to work. maybe it's because i have a lot of homework to complete? i just hope that after this program is over, i don't turn completely antisocial. the funny thing is, i'm excited to go home and hit up all my friends that'll be around and hang out with them. i don't mind that that much. it'll be fun and enjoyable to see them and chat for old times' sake. but i am just afraid of meeting new acquaintances because of the energy it takes to converse and think of questions. how sad. i'm like an old person because of this laziness. sigh.

on that note, what i think i need to do is possibly take a small sabbath time and just be with God. it'll probably be fridays since i don't do much work those days.

fulfillment

mark of yet another month again!
i just finished watching 13 going on 30 again. that movie gives me goosebumps and i'm always giddy when i finish the end.

today i was thinking, what is it about this movie that makes me feel so good? it is sort of like a fairytale i guess.

but on contemplating it, i believe something that really strikes me about this movie where other movies lack is the whole innocent love thing. unlike many other movies that i watch, it's not really about the "romance" or the "chase" though of course it's always delightful to watch the two main characters together. but the most lovely part of this movie (especially at the end) is how it comes to full circle. the movie is a bildungsroman, basically a coming-of-age movie. a girl who jumps in time realizes that all the dreams she's ever wished for are materialistic and not really worth it. lucky for her, she gets a second chance at life to choose the one thing that really matters for her. i love the idea that the person she loves the most is the one she has been friends with the longest who always supports her. it's not sexual tension, which many other movies show between the main couple, but it's about friendship and that love is stronger than most. they can depend on each other and are faithful to each other when the times get rough.

though i don't agree with all the messages of this movie, there's one thing this movie shows that is also accurate to the Christian life. how many times do we age and look back on our lives, regretting that we did not embrace the only thing that mattered, the one who has always been there for us and loved us, but we might not have noticed it. for Christians, this is Christ, who is always so faithful to us despite our unfaithfulness and waiting for us, ready to guide us. she's so lucky to relive her life, but for us, we don't get this second chance so we should make the most of all our time living for God before we can regret it. likewise, it's never too late to embrace the love of Christ though we may be remorseful that we did not do it earlier, especially because it gives us an overall greater purpose. i might be stretching it, how this movie can show themes of the Christian life, but i think there is something to this movie that makes people feel so good about it, because she's given this second chance. perhaps this movie's themes also strikes a chord because the idea is universal and it's universality comes from how we are made as God created us. maybe?

regardless this is a good reminder for me to take my Christian life seriously. that Christ is the only thing that really fulfills. it's not going to be other relationships, either friends, family, or romance, or material items. but it's the one who has loved me all along and continues to support me.

haha, it's been one month again

so this the trajectory of my blog in grad school-monthly blog visits. i guess that's not bad considering. i really do enjoy blogging so that's why i even bother. and whenver i blog, i take a peek at my friend's blogs to see how they are doing in their lives. sometimes it's interesting because they'll be like, i don't think anyone reads this anyways, but you never really know who IS reading it right? i think that's why i make my blog public. because people know about it. and though i've been afraid of blogging some things because now i'm in the public realm of teaching and i need to be careful with my words online because i could get sued and lose my job, this internal struggle within me has still whispered that i want to make this blog public still. because what am i really supposed to be afraid of?

anyways, that's a side rant and i'm not really going to talk about that now. maybe the future, but now i need to focus. yesterday, church was awesome. so i'm back home in LI for a week and i am super thankful to God for giving me this week break because it's greatly needed. i love love love my profession and would not trade it for anything else. it gives me so much fulfillment, cognitively and mentally and socially with my students. kind of crazy how God knows me so well xP
but regardless, all the constant readings and writing assignments for school-i definitely needed a break to reconvene with the family, which is always fun, and a little bit mentally. though thanks be to God, i haven't really been stressed, unlike last year.

okay, i need to get to the point already. yesterday, during morning assembly and sunday school, my church invited a speaker from NJ who is now a missionary in China as a counselor for young children. she was a few years older than me, my brother suspects she was his age, and though I did not have a chance to actually talk with her, she has no idea how her words resonated with me. she talked about her life story, her parent's story, and her journey to become a missionary. and God unclouded my eyes to remind me of my heart from back when i was in high school. my heart for missions in China and that is why i decided on this profession in the first place. in fact, her parent's journey of acceptance of this fact is similar to my parents who have went from begrudging to allowing God to do what He wants in my life. the change i've seen in specifically my mom's life and their growing desire for God is an encouragement to me. and similar to this girl, i have faced those same fears which have held me back. China is so dangerous and i'll be all alone. i'm scared of being lonely and not knowing people and my surroundings and worse off, the language-i still cannot speak very well, though i have vastly improved in understanding by some miracle. and like her, i see how God has molded and shaped my life to be the tool He wants to use. the spiritual growth and experiences in undergrad really prepared me to live a godly life and know how to have godly relationships. and now the experience in graduate school of learning the best teaching practices so i can reach out and educate all kinds of children. i can almost see how God is very specific in how He molds me. and more importantly He never gives up on me. He always sends people my way to care for me. i thank Him for the people He's placed in my life to challenge me because He wants me to learn how to evangelize and witness more and more and more. boldness in sharing my faith has always been something i've not been strong in and now I have a mentor who has giftings in this area. God is so amazing in the work He does in my life, it's crazy.

but now i'm being bogged down my thoughts of getting a job and fears. fears of the mission work in China and the difficulties and struggles, though I know there are immense blessings. this is one thing I've been continually confused about and seeking: where does God want me after this year? I feel like I get a desire to work in different ministries with different people so easily that sometimes I cannot discern where God is really calling me. for sure, it is to be a teacher, which is one step towards the goal already I guess, but where exactly? Does He want me in China, a place that I was so convinced to go in high school? Because it's been so many years since then, has my fears overtaken me and cause me to not see clearly about what I really want to do? or my pride even? or does He want me to work with the Asian Americans in the US and reach out to them? like my experiences in interning here. I know there's a great need here and my heart has also been moved to stay and hope to raise up leaders of the next generation to serve in the churches here who have a great need. But like the presenter said, all churches have great needs. so I need to find out where God wants me to go, amidst all these worries of not being able to find a job. i need to be continually praying to ask Him where He has placed me. what is accurate? what is from my sinful nature? what is from You? I need discernment for these things.

one thing that I was reminded of: God is too amazing and He is worth it. He is worth my living for and my everything and I should never lose sight or compensate my time with Him.

so after one day of blogging and saying that one reason why i haven't blogged much is because i haven't had much to say because of the busyness and BANG today God spoke to me. the wonders of doing devotions and deciding to recommit myself in terms of being more faithful to Him--He is really so good.

in the most unexpected of ways of course. God used the Wow Hits 2012 CD worship song to speak to me. which is why i wanted my brother to get me that cd in the first place. i realized even though i just like listening to music for the beats and not really the words, i think slowly i've been changing, especially now that i drive. i really like singing along if i'm alone in the car and it's really an enjoyable time. also God has really used those words to start seeping into my brain so i'm glad that i've made the conscious decision to try listening to Christian music to help focus myself. it's really a nice and enjoyable time with God, a nice break in the busyness of life.

so here's the song that God used today:
song: you are more-artist: tenth avenue north
you are more than the choices that you've made
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes
you are more than the problems you create
you've been remade


cause this is not about what you've done
but what's been done for you
this is not where you've been
but where your brokenness brings you to

the eye opening part was the chorus shown above. i think i was pretty shocked when i thought about the first line that i was singing along to. shocked as in, i did a double take. i was like, did they choose the lyrics correctly? because y'know that's what society and the majority of it is always communicating to us. with all those self help books and whatnot. and though sometimes the ideas in society seem like they are trying to help you and might not be so bad, when you really look at it, at its motivations and focuses, you come to this realization that it makes people delusional about the real truth. so this was kind of a scary moment yet I rejoiced at the same time upon discovering this nugget of misconception that i held in my brain. God was able to reveal truth to me instead. i feel that even in the church possibly, you will hear some people talking about independence and doing the right thing, but in the end, the focus is on you you you. when it should be on God God God. and i think the key part of this song is that it doesn't say that you shouldn't make your own choices and learn from your mistakes. rather, who we are as Christians is much more than just that and we need to remember that. there's a line in the song near the beginning that says "are you in over your head" and i really think that sets the tone for the rest of the words. the song's focus is to remind Christians of the cross of Christ and what He did for us. i think especially growing up in the church, sometimes it can get muddy, serving in the church when my focus becomes unclear and more self righteous than about pleasing and loving God. this is such a good reminder. i think i've been having a very humbling experience here at Stanford with the lack of community. God has been good and provided a wonderful church for me and i have met some really solid Christians. it's really cool though sometimes i would like to get to know them more and spend even more time with them. but I really can see where He is taking care of me throughout. He's given me great master teachers to learn from and I am so blessed with that because it's so important during the student teaching experience. I'm falling deeper in love with teaching and its rigor and i believe that choosing this program was a good decision because i'm learning so much and i agree with so many of its ideologies. of course, I don't want to be brainwashed either in terms of worldliness so I need to stay connected to God. and like I've said before this year is a good test for that. community is important and i am still experiencing some of it, but i also need to develop my relationship with God more. He's always there but I just need to turn to Him and give Him the time of day. though it is refreshing to remember that I am saved by grace and not by anything I do to make myself feel more justified. He must become greater, I must become less.

haven't written in a long time. but not much has been happening also so that's also why.

anyways, a thought that came across my mind today.
i've been really impatient lately with the people around me. for some reason, in the past few days, random things having been popping up-sudden assignments to implement in the next few weeks (normal i guess for this program) but then lots of requests from people to do a favor for them, like carpooling and using my printer. and to be honest, i really haven't had the best attitude. and it shows. it's so obvious. i doubt those people will read this, though if they do i am sincerely sorry. it is such a bad Christian testimony of me. afterall love is supposed to be patient. that's the first describing word in 1 corinthians 13. but that's always been the one i struggled with the most. haha, though i must admit they're all quite a challenge. anyways, i feel like patience is so difficult for me. i wonder if it's growing up in ny and wanting to get things done quickly is a mentality from the East Coast. i also think a bit is my own personality. i have a drive and like things to be done and off my plate so i don't have to think about it anymore, which is very selfish of me actually because sometimes i don't take into consideration other's schedules.

but back to the main idea, i really think God has been testing me. or maybe that's not an accurate statement since I do not know what this testing is towards. i mean i know in the sense that it's for the "greater good" aka it's definitely testing my perseverance in a sense and refining my faith to be steadfast in my attitude and humble even when i am tired. i have learned from this program how weak I really am mentally and in terms of self control. i am so busy and my brain feels like it's always turned on except for when i sleep. i am constantly thinking of teaching. don't get me wrong--i really love it. and the intellectual part of it is awesome, thinking what's the best way to reach my students and how they can most benefit. but it's so tiring because of the addition of the master's program and all the assignments and readings we do. they are pretty useful and i think i'm learning a ton from the program--the only problem is there is no time to rest. no time to stop and reflect. i'm considering picking up a Sabbath again because i really need it. God has been good and i haven't really been that stressed to be honest. just physically exhausted. but i'm turning in my assignments on time and staying on top of everything so far. it helps that my social life is way scaled back, though now i'm just used to it and don't mind it so much. especially since it's just for a year. it's also nice because i always have people from the program to bond with. also my roommates from time to time.

but all in all, this post is about me being a jerk and how i need to stop. i want to embody more of Christ in how i respond to others. i need to have a more willing attitude to help others. but it is so hard with the busyness and tiredness. i am really experiencing the idea that love is not convenient. whatsoever. in fact, that kindness of love in my words is often lacking. i've sort of apologized after the initial =_= and acted preppy afterwards whenever they thanked me trying to make conversation but i want to take away that initial =_=. i need to work on that. rather, i need to spend more time in devotions and let God carry me. He's been really good an faithful to me. it's my turn now.